amy elizabeth.
hugs and kisses to the one i misses. :)
thank you, pitas.
wishlist!
-books. the ones you think i should read. :)
-scarves, gloves. thanks lindsay!
-happy heart scent by clinique.
-about a boy book/dvd. thanks minz!
-pilates videos. thanks vy!
-digital camera. (riiight.)
-nalgene water bottle. thanks ann!
-pajama pants/shorts. thanks gabe!
-workout clothes. (xs)
-love. awh. heh.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
i'm more alone with you than when i'm by myself. gone crazy, be back soon. and all this time i was aching to find. love is... deliberate who-zah? you and i both loved. a praise chorus.
on a better, lighter note, i love my brother. he is so brilliant. look at his painting and tell me that he is not a genius. brand new colony i ain't got no crystal ball. and i will love you through the simple and the struggle. i never knew my stomach could do this to me. love anyhow. i've been the needle and the thread. it's fafsa time! faith in fate. must get out. and i can't wait to write you a letter for every day that i can't bear.
Friday, April 2, 2004 // 01:41 a.m.
ahh! the ataris were awesome tonight :) free concert at usc, and they were amazing. it felt really good to be at a concert again--it's easy to forget what it's like to be in armpit city and barely able to breathe but loving it all because the band is just phenomenal. :) from "so long astoria" to their encore performance featuring "the saddest song", it was great to hear them live and see people scream along. ah. gotta go to more shows and concerts, fo sho. something i have to take advantage of while i'm still young. so much love for the music and the people.
afterwards, melanie and i hung around and she found a guy who got the other drumstick (yes, she was lucky enough to get a drumstick--but i got a guitar pick, which i think is appropriate ;p ) and we talked to him and a few other huge fans for a while. we hung around and i kind of told the drumstick guy and his sister that we would stick around to take a picture of them with the ataris members and send it to them, since their camera was out of batteries. so after waiting a while, the band's techie-turned-3rd guitarist came out and talked to us for a while. he was really cool, and mel and i got a picture with him :) ok ok. he was pretty cute. what can i say? i'm still a sucker. we talked for a bit, and then john (guitars, vocals) stopped by and signed our stickers. lots of fun, we had a big ataris hug at the end before we all parted ways. kind of fun, and sort of crazy random. the only band i've ever been a groupie for was blink182, so this is all quasi-new to me. just sort of random, i guess. anyway, i had a wonderful time and all the bruises and grass stains are worth it. :)
the ataris will always remind me of thuong and the way me and ann couldn't stop crying hysterically when we heard "san dimas h.s. football rules". what was that, sophomore year? damn. there's a lot of history behind that song and "your boyfriend sucks". weird how some memories don't ever go away.
i was also thinking of vince butero today. if ya'll went to morrill or knew him in freshman year of high school, you'd know that he's one of the funniest guys alive. i was looking through pictures and i am wondering why i never had a fatty crush on him. he had such a great personality and was so low key. anyway, he moved to arizona or something the summer after our freshman year, so i don't know where he is today. but i am guessing that he's probably still hilarious, and still skateboarding, and still one of those guys that exudes cool. :)
on a completely different note, i have to link you to this. i am so fucking outraged. what the hell were they thinking? if you are as pissed as i am, please join me in calling the editor of details: Daniel Peres (editor-in-chief) 212.630.4000. and you can also call the dumbass writer and cuss her out: Whitney McNally 212.630.3850. don't watch this happen and not do anything about it. we deserve a fucking voice. i will make it a point to keep calling until there is a public apology made or mcnally is fired.
really had to get that out there, because it matters a lot to me. besides being outraged by stupid things like that, i am doing ok. everything's busy and tiring, but good. just a month and a half left...
Tuesday, March 30, 2004 // 11:32 p.m.
my computer is going crazy. i don't know what to do because i think there is some kind of virus. it's driving me nuts.
speaking of driving me nuts, i've been perplexed by certain occurrences. and overall, i am convinced that most guys are assholes. and i'm not talking about them in a romantic way, i'm just saying that in general, they tend to be callous and just as catty and moody as girls. the thing is, most of them deny their feelings so they are not called pansies or pussies or other names of the sort. and the only time they'll be sweet is when they have some kind of romantic interest or they want to lead you to believe that they do. and either way--it's all a front.
of course not all guys fall under this category--i'll give you that much at least. but i've had enough guy friends to know that most will use and take and screw whatever they can get.
bitter, yes. but honest, too.
Sunday, March 28, 2004 // 07:25 p.m.
still a little wiped out from this whirlwind of a week. friday and saturday night=too much partying. but neither were as fun as when minz and i get our freak on at places like the delt house/ucla afterparties. shabashoo. i miss partying with you mindypoo.
still wondering what i'm doing with myself, and trying to figure out why i can't seem to get it right.
i'm sorry if i haven't been a very good friend. my priorities are very selfish right now, and i am still working everything out in my head. i guess that's the only explanation i can give.
Thursday, March 25, 2004 // 12:51 p.m.
remember not too long ago when i said i was terrified of change?
well, i've changed my mind. how appropriate, eh?
change is good. i'm learning to like it. and sometimes all it is is a return to how things used to be. i think i am sure of myself again, and happy with who i am. asb had a lot to do with it: it helped me learn to love strangers and work to give something to a community i didn't really know much about. and it let me get to know a lot of people that accepted me immediately--people who made me feel like i was worth something to them. and all i had to do was be myself.
i know i am being ultimate cheese factor, but it's true. it seems like in college, everything is so inconstant. home isn't quite home, and wherever you go to school will never completely feel right either because you're always moving around. someone's always coming, going, studying abroad, finding new friends.
but i am tired of depending on anybody else to be my home. i am rediscovering the love that i thought i had lost-- finding it in friends, family, strangers, and my passions. i won't pour my heart into a lost cause.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004 // 01:09 p.m.
though i should be studying, i was quizzing instead at okcupid, like the rest of them crazies that have made this quiz impossible to avoid. anyway, i turned out to be a deliberate gentle sex dreamer. the results are somewhat true and rather hilarious, though highly embarassing. :D
alternative spring break was the best spring break i could ever have asked for. did some amazing things and met a lot of awesome people....i had written an entire entry about it but it got deleted. :( but i'll write more when i get a chance, i promise. for more details, you can check out erin's page. i love asb. i highly recommend it to anyone that gets the chance to go next year.
time to take a vocab quiz in chinese. i am so productive, it's scary.
Friday, March 12, 2004 // 08:20 a.m.
YES i am still alive :D it's been a crazy week, but i am still here and kickin!
there is something nice about being constantly busy or exhausted--you don't have time to think. unfortunately, my brain still catches up to me, particularly on these early mornings when i wake at 8 for no apparent reason.
all this week i've been interviewing RA candidates for next year, which has been fun in some cases and really disappointing in others. but it's interesting to hear other people's answers and vision of the RA job. heh. i don't know, it's very weird to be put into a situation like this, when you actually get to pick the people you work with and you are made to feel like you have some sort of authority or say. nice, but weird. in any case, i'm really excited that about what looks like my possible staff for next year. yippee.
i've also been working on naascon, the asian american student conference i was talking about a little while back. earlier this week, i met with james, the co-chair of the national board, who is really cool. it's so weird to meet other people that are so gung-ho about this! i thought i was pretty good about staying on top of things, but apparently the ball has been rolling for a long time and i've hopped on just at its peak momentum. we're going into the fall 2004 conference at full speed, and i'm going to start looking for venues and things like that, because it is going to be held at usc. CRAZY. i'm so excited; we're expecting 800-1000 students from around the country. i can't even fathom it.
if i named my daughter jamie, would it be annoying for people to call and ask for jamie and i would answer with "jamie's not here but amy is!"? just a random thought. i sometimes wish my name wasn't amy so i could name my kid that. but then again, i love my name. so you're SOL, kid!
alright, time to get ready for work. work all day--rumor has it that jim carey might come because his daughter is thinking about going here!--and then possibly JEP with those crazy kids at berendo middle school. afterwards, i am meeting with some people who are coming along on the navajo nation trip to make a student documentary. it's not a big deal, but they asked me and this guy aaron if we wouldn't mind being interviewed, real-world style, throughout the trip. fun times! :) i am excited about the whole thing, and i would say more about the trip, but i gotta get my ass moving. to end with a great quote: "Shift that fat ass, Harry. But slowly, or you'll swamp the damned boat." (Washington to General Henry Knox while entering the boat that was to cross the Delaware River) ah yes. true leadership.
Sunday, March 7, 2004 // 10:51 p.m.
woke up at 4am this morning to volunteer for the la bike marathon. really really fun, but tiring. i haven't volunteered in quite a long time, so that was really cool. i love apo.
i think i've said this before, but i'll say it again: it's passion that makes a person sexy to me. that and kindness. so i decided that i'm not going to settle. not for a job i don't believe in. not for someone who is mean to me, and not for someone without some kind of passion--and if not that, at least the promise of developing a passion.
i see you in strangers. but i see us in misunderstandings and hurt. and it's enough to dissuade me.
it was such a beautiful day today. the air feels like summer, and the thought of it scares me. i don't want summer to come. i am afraid of losing my girls, my staff team...people i've become closest to. and more than anything, i am afraid of being lonely. if i spend this summer in LA, which is more than likely, i don't know how i will be able to handle being on my own. i've spent several months in anticipation of spending a summer in LA to spend it with you, but this summer holds no promise of anyone helping me through this. you used to keep me grounded, you were home. now i'm afraid to go anywhere. i don't want any more change. i'm still trying.
i fell through the cracks.
Saturday, March 6, 2004 // 05:32 p.m.
bowling today was fun. 96 the first game (2 strikes, baby!) and 93 the second (another 2 strikes but they came at the end. ooh suspense.) that is to be put on the old asb site man. i miss you guys. bowling was the shit back in high school. :) not that it isn't fun now. it's just not the same without the nicknames, the carefully-choreographed hi-5s, and the trips to denny's, chili's, etc.
not sure how to describe the way i've been feeling lately. i get the spins from how hectic the days are. life is great, i am doing pretty damn well when it comes to the basics.
still, it's hard to ignore how empty everything feels.
Friday, March 5, 2004 // 12:56 a.m.
rediscovering the music of middle school. good stuff.
there are two high school students sleeping on my floor right now. they are so cute. and i don't mean that in some kind of condescending sense. i just really like them, and it's refreshing to have such laid-back kids. not that the last kids i had were annoying but...well, there is a difference between the high strung kiddies and these ones that are not only chill, but incredibly flexible and considerate.
so it turns out that this apa national conference thing might not be mine to take care of unless they decide to host it here at sc. :| so jeff sez i will be unemployed again if i don't get my ass in gear. haha. i will do my best! it sounds like such a great opportunity though. i hope i don't let it slip out of my hands.
at this point, i like looking at a cloudy future. leaves room for possibility.
Thursday, March 4, 2004 // 12:58 a.m.
today was one of those days when i felt on top of things. really good about everything, and i just got another task actually. you might even call it a job. heehee :) jeff hired me to coordinate the apa (asian pacific american) national conference. i'll find out all of the details tomorrow when i come into work, but i'm so excited. this sounds like such an awesome project, one that will be really great for networking and getting new ideas, and on top of that, i get paid for it :)
all day felt really good. it was such a beautiful, warm day and a surprisingly very warm night too. i love these kinds of days.
i've heard that tone of voice before.
Monday, March 1, 2004 // 09:44 a.m.
i have reason to believe that i have an ulcer. ie; my stomach is eating itself. literally. AWESOME. hahah. fortunately, jacqueline's mama is a gastropologist or something of the sort. :p so she has been giving me directions on how to end this intestinal nightmare. i feel better already!
i also have reason to believe that most (see, i left a little margin of error) boys are scum. the lines are the same, the sweeping-off-the-feet, the charm that is all part of an act. it's ok though. i decided that i am far too good to be hurt by the likes of you.
lots of shoobie love to my norcal friends that i haven't been able to see in far too long :( i love you, vy and ann. you guys are my cure-all. :)
Wednesday, February 25, 2004 // 11:23 p.m.
had my first day of official work today! it was awesome :) i love the other tour guides and the interns...and everyone that works in the office :) it's just a lot of fun and it's different from what i had imagined. it's pretty busy in there, and the first 3 hours passed by incredibly quickly, and on my last hour, i went on my first tour! all by myself! hahah. aren't you proud? :D
it was such a great rush though :) they sent me and erik out on our own, even though we're both new, this group was about 50 middle school kids, so there's less pressure i guess. but we split them up into two groups and before i knew it, 25 little kids (alright alright, most of them were the same size, if not bigger than me :p ) were following me :) along with a few really nice chaperones...everyone was really chill and we were on our way. it felt so amazing walking through campus and showing them everything, telling them my own personal memories or stories, and they were hanging onto my every word. what a weird feeling. it's like being a teacher except much, much cooler. hahah :) i really enjoyed myself, and after it was over, i was still beaming. :) no huge mishaps or questions that stumped me, so i was really lucky and pleased. i totally didn't think it would turn out so well, but i'm really glad it did. leaves me feeling cool and confident. like a good anti-perspirant!
so for two days in a row, i've gotten comments from people about me being especially stand-offish. woops. i immediately explained that i had just been sort of irritable and stressed as a whole lately, not really being able to make time for people, and i was taking it out on the wrong people. the thing is, these two comments came from people that i actually was kind of annoyed at, just didn't think they'd realize. so i guess i really do wear my heart on my sleeve. oops. i did it again. haha. um, i do realize that this isn't really a good thing, and even worse that i notice it and denied it. well. that's my little guilty moment of the day. does that make me a bitch? or just bad at lying?
shabas. i realized that part of the reason i haven't really been stressed-stressed but more like under the weather kind of irritable is because i honestly have like two dollars in my bank account. it's so weird to be hanging onto a thread like this, money-wise. i can't go out, i am really super irritable about driving anywhere because i don't have money to refill my gas, and i feel guilty when i charge anything on my credit card because it goes to my parents and i don't want them having to pay for anything more than my tuition. so this is a weird kind of stress that i've never really had, and it's pretty interesting how much it's been affecting the way i'm treating people. i'm more stingy and less giving. not willing to share as much. it's pretty horrible.
anyway, i'll try not to worry about it too much and just wait till my next paycheck comes around. at least the great thing is, i love what i do and i am enjoying my life right now. if i had to choose, i think i'd rather be poor and happy.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004 // 01:44 a.m.
i should really be working on homework right now, but i've been so damn productive today that i figure i deserve a little break. i'll probably pay for it tomorrow, but i really am willing to pay that price tonight.
i sometimes get inspired to write just by reading what you've written years ago. um. i don't think this is healthy, but i have an admiration for you that i am far too shy to reveal.
the days are getting fuller, more demanding. we're in the calm of the storm.
i want to spend the rest of my life writing music. i'd spend these rainy days outside on the porch listening for inspiration. and i'll find someone who will bring me chai tea in my favorite blue mug while i'm storming up ideas. and he'll sing along and our dog will bark at the raindrops as the fat cat (she doesn't belong to anybody) grumpily stares at the chaos outside the window.
i am a sap, it's true. but just you wait and see. someone will love me for it. :D
Monday, February 23, 2004 // 05:38 p.m.
armed with chocolate, a million papers, and w-2 forms, i am ready to start my fafsa. woo-eee.
i've decided to stop going on AIM as much because i feel that it decreases my productivity. i am trying to get my life back on the right track, and myself reorganized and caught up with work again. lucky for me, i haven't fallen behind too much in my classes, just a lot of reading that i still haven't done.
i am feeling good about the future. i'm excited about this summer, and i think it'll be interesting to spend it here in LA. it will be a different experience i think. maybe it will feel like camp. :)
things are looking up.
i won't hold my breath any longer.
Monday, February 23, 2004 // 12:55 a.m.
sometimes it scares me.
it really makes me wonder how such horrible things can happen to such good people.
i think of mr. kerrick and his late son quite a bit. and i just can't believe that someone who has been so influential in other people's lives could lose something so important and precious. i don't want to hear about life lessons or other made-up excuses for this kind of hurt. no cliche is going to make up for his loss.
i'm lucky, i suppose, that i'm agnostic. there are fewer questions to ask.
Sunday, February 22, 2004 // 09:01 a.m.
what can i say? i'm still a sucker for the pita. lj is cute, but i am not ready to move on. :p
regret is the weirdest feeling, because it really gets you nowhere. you can't take back what you've done or undo what has passed. yet it's so easy to think about the maybes and whatifs.
wise words from mr. g: "soulmates are made, not discovered."
being in love is nice, but something about knowing that you can create it takes away from some of its magic.
but i'm going to try and stop being so bitter. it will work for a couple of days, and then something will happen so that i lose faith in mankind again. heh. but then i will turn it around and be alright again. it's a vicious cycle. :p
my car and guitar are going to be my true loves. always.
Friday, February 20, 2004 // 02:30 a.m.
for lack of new ideas for layouts, and also because i am becoming exceedingly lazy, i have decided to try out the funk phenomenon that is a livejournal. please visit and make sweet, sweet love to it. :D
