jimmy eat world: softer.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003 // 01:30 a.m.
every time i log onto friendster, i think about how weird high school is. it kind of sets you up to think that your whole life is going to be either very much the same or very different. i don't know why i have this weird obsession with it--i think it's because you (or maybe it was just me) longed to be in high school all through your childhood and middle school because of how it looked on tv. it's just cool to be in high school. college is...kind of cool, but not as sweet-valley. heh. there is just a little less dating, a little more hooking up, and overall, it's just weird! how else to describe it? i still get nostalgic, but i don't know for what.
i love college though. and i feel really fortunate for the friends--new and old--that i have that have been helping me get through what's been a kind of difficult transitional month. i know i've been a sap about this lately, but it's only because it's true and there are some people out there that i still love and care about very much, especially the ones at home that i haven't talked to in a while. heh, also, dina and lindsay brought me an oreo milkeshake today to get me motivated to do my paper and as a comfort food i think. :) i love you guys. hoorah for the dive-in movie of 2002! hahaha.
well, a couple more paragraphs on this essay and i'm off to bed. how exciting! heh. hope you all have a good week.

shoooooobs.
Monday, September 29, 2003 // 10:25 a.m.
happy birthday ann!! you are my cake and i am the ice cream (or the other way around, which do you want to be?) :) xoxoxoxoxo.

everybody's just a stranger.
Sunday, September 28, 2003 // 11:01 a.m.
ah, ben and jerry's. the only way to do breakfast.
been suffering from a bad case of the crazies lately. something in my brain refuses to focus or click. maybe there are just too many things cluttered up. i need to make a to do list. first thing on it will be to make a to do list. does that make sense?
listening to john mayer on foggy, overcast days make me feel half-empty and homesick, but i can't help myself. it reminds me of the beginning of last year and all those crazy insecurities that would stop me from being whole.
funny how much can change, but some things never do.
last night i went to visit michelle at csulb. i never realized how close it was...maybe 30 minutes, tops, to get there. it was good to talk and get caught up with what's been going on in each other's lives. most importantly, i think we bring each other down to earth again. it sometimes catches me off-guard when she says something so wise and understanding, and it makes me feel sort of bad for not ever having seen it that way. we went out and got chili at wendy's and although it should've been reminiscent of high school, the circumstances were so different that i feel like it only highlighted the change that we've been through since then. 13 years and still going strong! :) overall, we helped each other deal with our crazies and the bad shoobies.
i wish i could put it into words.

'cause i'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby.
Friday, September 26, 2003 // 02:23 p.m.
3 thai iced teas (which are now my favorite drink by the way :D ) a red bull, and a whole lot of sugar later, i'm finally done with my bio midterm!! that shit was crazy and i am pretty sure i did horribly. but it's over, and that's what matters. i'll work harder for the next one instead of staying up till 5am the night before and urging my residents (they have the same class) to "suck it up!" as they fall asleep on my couch. hahaha. they really are growing on me. thank goodness for a great floor and those amazing friends that would do anything for you. i would not have gotten through this week without these.
tear.
anyway, gotta go to a tv taping! woohoo!! nbc studios, here i come! have a great weekend dahlings.

are you listening?
Monday, September 22, 2003 // 10:55 p.m.
some things aren't worth getting mad about. or jealous. or sad. some things you just learn to stop caring about. it turns out however you want it to be if you're in the right state of mind.
i'm not letting you get in the way.

a quiet sunday.
Monday, September 22, 2003 // 12:46 a.m.
my job rocks. the girls have started to bring me offerings of food and candy. i could get used to this. :D
all joking aside, they are growing on me. and as worried as i was that a lot of them would be in sororities and leave me, i'm glad they're doing something that makes them happy. i mean, almost all of them are involved in something, and that is important. anyway. sappy talk. :)
i spent all of today in my room. seriously. i was excited to go to a 2 hour bio review because it would be the first time i would leave the floor. it's been a pretty productive day though, and i'm feeling kind of good about myself.
i hope all the uc kids had a good time moving in and are doing ok. i miss you guys. i'm feeling nostalgic.
for lack of better words: jimmy eat world-just watch the fireworks.

people moving to the moon.
Saturday, September 20, 2003 // 04:00 a.m.
i can't remember the last time i was up this late because i had actually stayed out till this late.
i guess it's appropriate though that this was the last night before martin goes to back to sd and begins his second year of college! dun dun dun! i think i've been partially living my summer vicariously through him, so now it feels like it is really autumn now and schooltime. not that the classes haven't hit hard. it's just that there was always time for play. not no mo'! :D
tonight we went and saw "matchstick men". if you haven't seen it, i recommend it. it's like...oceans 11 meets catch me if you can plus a little bit of adaptation. some of my favorite movies. all combined in one! it really is charming though, in that i'm-gonna-swindle-you-and-you're-gonna-like-it kind of way. you know. :D heehee.
afterwards, it was boba at life plaza and some azn shopping! hahah. damn. i have not seen so much pucca and babu and mashimuro stuff (if you're not into this kind of stuff, you'll have no idea what i'm talking about) since last year, when we went to chinatown. honestly. but it was fun times. and, like a sucker, i couldn't walk away without buying one cute thing that has some saying like "your bring me joy but times like this so sweet." don't play like you don't know. ;)
it doesn't even feel like it's 4. i'm debating whether or not i should just go all night and just study. but a part of me wants to go out tomorrow (well, tonight) during the nighttime, so i should really get some studying done during the day so i actually feel like i deserve a break.
i feel like such a hermit because going to the movies tonight was one of the first times i've gone to the movies since, what, finding nemo? there must have been another one. but i always get all uptight about going to see movies because i don't think it's worth the money. but it sure is fun, and i had forgotten. so it was cool to see all the previews and everything. ooh! during xmastime, there's going to be a movie called...love absolutely? absolutely love? absently love? hah. i can't even remember, but it has hugh grant and colin firth and is from the director i think of bridget jones' diary. of course a chick flick/romantic comedy, but i fall for those things like um... leaves? lol. what a crappy comparison. i'll leave on a low note just in case it gets any worse. :p have a nice night.

doing what i do best...procrastinating.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003 // 11:53 p.m.
i haven't purposely avoided work for a while, so i thought i'd take some time out to do it tonight. hehe. but only for a little while. gotta rush back to doing my bio report soon. poo.
i don't know if i mentioned this, but on sunday we went to the groundlings theatre in melrose to celebrate catherine's birthday :D fun times! it's an improv comedy club, and it was pretty cool...nothing close to "who's line is it anyway?" but i must admit that there were some scenes that moidahed me. moidah!
anyway, afterwards, we went to hollywood and highland to have some johnny rockets, which was good. we met an aspiring actor kid from south carolina. i've never met an aspiring actor that came from so far away before, so i thought it was pretty cool. you gotta admit, those people have guts.
unite for sight is doing well. i might not have mentioned this to some of you, but i joined a group that goes to schools and does presentations on eyecare and vision, and also does free vision screenings, eyeglass drives, etc. something to get me rolling with the optometry stuff. but it's getting a lot better, and i like the board. i am director of membership. woot woo. :D
just for shits and giggles (sorry i've been cursing so much lately--it's a passive-aggressive attack on how crazy school has been), here's a picture we took when we were at hollywood and highland. :D that's catherine, me, and martin. weeeheee.
ooh. so i hear that my elbow is in the new sorority life. heh. just the elbow. :p i don't really know if i am in it at all, but from what people have told me, the camera spans over me once in a while. haha. it's probably a horrible shot of me picking my nose or something. oh well. judge that, america! :p ok. back to bio!

thank goodness for naps.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003 // 01:43 a.m.
i've had class all day today except for maybe a couple of hours but i took a nice little nap and because of that i am superhyper! woop woop woop! hehe. so crazy.
little words of wisdom? hm...martin has steve (my car) right now, so i am missing driving alone and singing at the top of my lungs. haha. that's not really words of wisdom, but you know. i think i had something profound to say, but i can't remember...
oh yes. it's strange how becoming an RA allows you to lose all faith in humanity and also see a ray of hope all in the same minute. not that my residents are awful people or anything of the sort. i went on rounds yesterday and it's annoying how some people give you a hard time about little things or try to undermine you. i mean, if i'm just doing my job, how's about giving me a break? i guess people are just ignorant. meh. it's not so bad. just kind of overwhelming sometimes.
to take a page out of alda's book, i really like this quote: "I'm a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will." it's true. it's like that simpsons episode where homer gets the crayon dislodged from his brain and becomes all smart. and then lisa can relate to him again, but suddenly his life isn't as great as he thought it was. intelligent, good-hearted people so often get the short end of the stick. but hey, fuck it. life is good, and i'm grateful and consider myself lucky. so thank you to all my friends and family and loved ones. big shout outs! hehe. :D way to ruin the mood. :p oh well.

did i live it right? i hope i lived it right.
Saturday, September 13, 2003 // 09:55 a.m.
"first of all, everything is fine. everyone is fine."
i wonder if hearing that first makes you feel better or worse about what the person is going to tell you next. that's what catherine said to her dad as soon as she called him after we got into a car accident yesterday. we were on our way to hollywood for dina's birthday, and we had to pick something up at psd. as we were turning left, a car running a red crashed into us. airbags, smoke, and the screeching of tires seemed to take over the car. when we got out and looked at the damage, there was hardly any. thank goodness for those german suvs. hehe. both cars involved didn't seem that bad at all, except for the deployed airbags, which are going to cost a ton. we were all a little shaken up, but the matter was taken care of quickly and without a whole lot of problems. gotta love them dps officers and the nice guys at lapd.
needless to say (or maybe not so needless), we didn't go to hollywood for dinner. we walked to sizzler across the street and hung out in my room for the night. maybe no more driving for a while?
football game today vs. hawaii. did i mention last week that the game vs. byu is one of the best games i've ever been to? man. something about being a sophomore and coming back to these things after missing it...definitely makes the game that much better. no more inhibitions to hold you back from being totally into all the songs and cheers, and suddenly you know all the words. weird.
a couple of nights ago i went to the vsa meeting. yes! the vsa meeting after cursing that club and never wanting to go back. i can't tell you why i would want to, exactly. the amount of people i would like to be there for just about equal the number of people i would like to avoid. but i want to challenge myself to get past that. plus, i guess apart of me still wants to hang out with more asian people. not that i am trying to be all ethnocentric, but once in a while i would like to talk about my family history or pho or the model minority myth in a social situation without feeling like i'm the black sheep in the group. i don't know. maybe i just miss having someone to connect with on a lot of different levels. a part of me just wants so badly to feel whole.
good charlotte: day that i die (acoustic)

clarity.
Thursday, September 11, 2003 // 10:50 p.m.
i spent a lot of today bitchin' and moanin', but it hit me that it's the second anniversary of the 9/11 incident and i hardly talked about it to anybody. and it's humbling when you think about how petty your problems are compared to the whole world and all the problems out there, some that seem beyond solving. i think i'm lucky that my problems are at least in my own hands.
i think i can get to bed by 1 tonight, which i'm pretty excited about. i'm sorry for those of you that i haven't been able to talk to much lately, but i am grateful for you nonetheless.
lastly, it's nice to get an "i love you" for no reason. and not because it's out of routine or because it's in conjunction with some kind of apology. just because.

sneezy, wheezy...off the heezy.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003 // 01:43 a.m.
hahaha. damn. i'm so nerdy it hurts sometimes. :)
feels like it's been a long time since i've written in here and there is probably quite a lot to say. overall, though, things are good and i am happy.
niem says that to save time, i should just include one note of wisdom or just a few little things for each entry. that way, i don't meander with topics as much, i guess. and it'll still help me remember things.
so here are bits and pieces of what i've learned recently...three completely different things that have not a whole lot to do with each other: talking about it does help...and i'm grateful for having people to help me through it all. curling up into fetal position and taking an afternoon nap with a nice breeze streaming through your room is the ultimate cure for bad feelings. convincing yourself that you only have "the sniffles" as you are sneezing and coughing through your day is a good way to overcome it.
i think that's all. hope you're all well. :) watch out for those crazy cold germs!

baby, you knock me out.
Wednesday, September 3, 2003 // 01:28 a.m.
what a crazy day. actually, a very crazy weekend. friday and saturday were insane, as you know, and sunday and monday were really nice but also quite busy. the drive to san diego was pretty good, and once we got there we went to the beach! yes :) good ol' la jolla. so pretty. we got there in the late afternoon too so it was a very prime time for people to be leaving and a nice opportunity to jump some big waves. scary, but fun :D martin is determined to teach me how to boogie board, which i think is really cute. so as terrified as i am, i am going to try. and we've got some time ahead of us to keep trying. ;) maybe if i didn't get swept away by the waves so much, i wouldn't be so intensely terrified of deep water. hell, ocean water in general. but it was a lot of fun and i'm glad we went.
afterwards, we drove to another seaside place and waited for seals to come and play on the shore. we only saw one, but we caught a nice sunset. :D then we swam at the apartment complex pool, where martin again was very intent on making me "walk" through the water. i'm not really sure what he wanted me to do, but i think he gave up right away because it wasn't long before we got hungry and went to eat at sam woo's with his apartment-mates :D hahahah. poor babe. eventually i will get over this fear. it's just going to take some time.
monday was all about the aquarium, although it turned out to be a little bit of a disappointment. not nearly as awesome as the monterey bay aquarium, but i mean COME ON it's the famous monterey bay aquarium. heehee. i'm just hyper, so if i'm especially obnoxious in this entry, i apologize in advance. anyway, i got to touch a shark! it was very reminiscent of elementary school days, which was cute. afterwards, i drove back and picked up lindsay from dina's on the way...we had lunch together at island's and then headed back to sc. since i hadn't touched a book since thursday, i locked myself in the room and read for about 7 hours straight. it was productive, and made me feel less bad about having such a wonderful weekend. :)
today has been a very tiring day. class from 9:30-2, then one-on-ones and meetings all day till class at 6-10 and a staff meeting till midnight. what is this?! amy is swamped with a whole bunch of things that she never expected. this is all very crazy. but i think i'm handling it well and i'm enjoying myself. in cinema we watched "it's always fair weather" starring gene kelly...wow, what a great musical! he's such an amazing performer. the movie really picked up my spirits and is part of the cause of my hyperness at 1:30 in the morning. anyway, it was especially fun and set a good tone for the rest of the night. my favorite songs were "baby you knock me out" and "i like myself". very likable. i think it's interesting, also, how musicals work so well to sugarcoat whatever social commentary they are trying to make. anyway, that's all cinema-nerdtalk so i'll spare you the boredom. gotta git some shuteye anyway. have a good one, folks!

shoobie (part ii)
Sunday, August 31, 2003 // 02:32 a.m.
don't bother looking for a shoobie part i. i just added it for a kind of nostalgic effect. :D
i feel lame because i don't know what new songs are out right now. i am not hip with it. although i do know that john mayer has a new single out (sorry if that is old news to some of you :P ). anyway, for those of you that have been living under a rock for longer than me, the song is called "bigger than my body" :D at first i wasn't sure if i liked it, but now i enjoy it. who can resist that voice? swoon. :p
i'm grateful that this week is over, but can't believe it's already saturday night/sunday morning. i really don't know where today went. oh! but on friday, i had my first night of duty and my first program. duty went alright...i hope i don't always run into assholes that try to be all badass when i ask them to quiet down. but besides that...my program was a success! about 20 residents came, including some kids that didn't even live in marks tower...and we all gathered in my room to watch finding nemo in my room. afterwards, i got a lot of thankyous and positive feedback from a lot of kids that i didn't know. so it was really nice :) i am quite satisfied as far as RA stuff goes so far.
i slept in today until 11ish, which means i got about 9 hours of sleep. woohoo! it was so good to catch up. martin, stef and i went to evk for brunch and then we picked up mindy to go grocery shopping. before i knew it, it was 5pm and i had to get back to plan out something to do with my girls. we ended up ordering pizza and watching "good will hunting". damn. that movie gets me crying every time. such a great storyline and script. definitely one of my favorites.
after the movie, a few of us played a wild game of boggle and then taboo. fun times, but i am surprisingly very exhausted. time for bed, and then tomorrow i am heading out to san diego! woohoo! :) martin and i are going to the aquarium to find the REAL nemo and perhaps enjoy some swimmin'! not in the aquarium, though. :D at the apartment complex pool! jeeeez. swiiiimmmiiiin with the fishes? you so crazy.
...have a nice 3 day weekend :)

crazy times.
Thursday, August 28, 2003 // 11:59 p.m.
i apologize for being crazy lately. i mean, you know, crazier than usual. i haven't been dealing well with all this stress, but i am realizing that it really isn't that bad and i'm just putting everything under a magnifying glass. so. things are ok! really! :D
i'm really excited that tomorrow is friday. partly because this week has been crazy, partly because i'll be able to hang out with martin and spend some time away from sc (not that it's bad...i just want to get away for a little bit) and because it's a three day weekend and it'll let me catch up on...everything! i would like that very much.
alda made me a cd that has a lot of songs that bring kind of sad memories/feelings. i've been listening to it since she gave it to me, but i don't think it's helping my attitude about things very much. at least i know she is probably feeling the same way. anyway, the reason i bring it up is because there are some songs i want to recommend from it: jeremy kay's "have it all" and the ataris' "saddest song".
shoobie. my brain is fried. perfect for fry-day!!! nyuknyuknyuk. amy is back in business. :D oh yes baby.

stuck in the middle with you.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003 // 11:48 a.m.
i'm here in leavey library right now. good times. reminds me of last year when i couldn't figure out how to get my internet running and i was here all the time just crying to friends about how much i wanted to go home. wah wah wah. :p
so i just found out that the one class i've been dying to get into since last may is so overbooked that the prof gave me a straight out "no" when i asked if i could please add the class. he said it so easily i thought he was joking, and i kind of laughed, until he further explained that the class had way too many people as it was. shit shit shit. so now i am stuck with cinema, which is ok except i guess the thing is that i liked intro to cinema because it was full of freshmen and people didn't really know everything and it was fun and exciting. 393 is ok, but i feel like it's full of big fat film experts that i can't measure up to. if i stay in it though, it counts as a class for the american studies major, which would be a decent major for me since that's the one possiblity that has actually remained with me for more than a few months. but it makes me sad that i have to settle. lately, i feel like i've been settling in a lot of ways, and it's frustrating. i don't want to complain anymore, because i know it's no fun for you nor myself. heh. so i guess i'll see you later. time for lunch.

feeling: overwhelmed.
Tuesday, August 26, 2003 // 12:58 a.m.
can i have a quick whinefest? well too bad. this is my pita. i can do whatever i want. :p
really though, this is going to be a whiny entry. i've decided. i just need to get it out of my system.
i'm lonely and tired and feeling ugly and about to start my period and this just makes it worse because knowing that it's going to come only makes me anticipate the bad feelings that come along with it. and everything that's really not that big of a deal is gimungous in my head. and while i know this all, i can't help it because something in me needs to bawl my head off and get this all out.
not that i'm bawling my head off. i'm just feeling overwhelmed by everything and the lack of sleep over these last weeks has been catching up to me. i can't think straight and i can't solve everyone's problems and i can't be everything and everywhere all at the same time and suddenly there's just too many people to please.
and then my mom calls and tells me i need rest i'm not getting enough rest because my ankle it's going to stay like this forever if i don't give it rest but how do i explain there is no time?
i'm letting this all hit me too hard and i know it and i've got to let it go but i just want a weekend without obligations and a chance to sit down and put pictures up in my room and play boardgames with my residents and be with martin and stop thinking just for a second.
there is always someone to call or someone to write to or someone i should be having lunch with. i know this is my own fault. but i can't stop.
my problem is that i take everything to heart. my friends, family, this job...and now the girls. everything my residents do, everything they say...suddenly it's like they're my world. it's weird how a lot of your fears go away when you feel like you have to take care of someone. i know i'm not supposed to be doing this, getting too close to them and getting attached after a few days. i know i can't solve all their problems, but it's disappointing when i can't.
in the end, everything is fine.

common sense.
Monday, August 25, 2003 // 04:23 a.m.
the great part about living in a dorm is that there are these obnoxious, flashing lights and deafening alarms in every room that go off when little shits come and pull the fire alarm 'cause they think that kind of shit is funny.
we just found this lovely information out, which is why i'm completely awake at 4:30 in the morning. it's really weird to wake up to that noise and suddenly feel responsible for 27 other girls. holy shit. i've never been so scared for someone else's lives all at once like that--it hits you with this huge shock. i guess i take this job too personally sometimes, to the point where i may be letting myself get attached to them too quickly. anyway, barely breathing, we pounded on every door and got each girl out of there. of course it was a false alarm, but you don't think of it like that right away. poor girls.
tonight was fun, margaret cho came and gave a pretty good show...i didn't know she would be so political but that's kinda cool. i expected more in a way, because all i really wanted was for her to be so funny that her fanbase would extend way beyond asianamericans and white gay men. not that that's her entire fanbase, it's just that i wanted so badly for her to represent the asian american community as something bigger than its stereotype. and i think she did that, but i wanted people to tell me how much they loved it...instead i got a lot of responses like, "she was...kind of scary with her...politics and everything." heh. fine. that's fine, i guess. i guess i just got really caught up in thinking, yes! margaret cho is wonderful! people will love her and then proceed to love asian americans! hahaha.
i am crazy. it's 4 in the morning and i want to sleep but my heart is still beating too quickly. poo to little shits. nyuknyuknyuk. catch ya'll on the flipside. :D

and i can't be without that scent.
Saturday, August 23, 2003 // 02:11 a.m.
vy sez people are unequipped to deal with unconditional love. i've always thought it came naturally. what do you think?
the past few days have been insanely busy. i've been lonely for no reason...i guess because my residents are so wonderfully social and well-adapted and independent that i almost feel needed. i want to crawl inside this naturally-shy self of mine and pretend i can live that way. but lord knows i can't and i won't do that anyway. i'm just a little crazy these days.
fun times though with annie, aakash, anand and mitesh coming to visit. we went to the row yesterday and today we went out to eat at jerry's famous deli with some of the mkt alumni--mindy, lindsay, and catherine. great food, huge portions, but i need to remember not to order pasta when they come in such big portions. all of that pasta makes me feel really sick. but yes. thanks for visiting guys, i had a wonderful time. :D (see annie, you're cool enough to be mentioned in my pita :p)
sometimes i feel like a freshman all over again. and other times i like to walk with my nose as high up in the air as possible just to be a snotty sophomore. heheh.
i miss everybody. but missing doesn't do any good, i guess.

the longest day!
Thursday, August 21, 2003 // 02:37 a.m.
move-in day summed up in 5 sentences or less:
woke up at the buttcrack of dawn!
dina and lindsay came to visit and help!
i love my staff!
i love my floor--the girls are sociable, cute, outgoing, and spent the past couple of hours talking in my room.
i miss how it feels to be a freshman.

i think that's it. everything went smoothly and i am very happy. now, it's time for sleep.

wunderkind!!
Monday, August 18, 2003 // 08:53 a.m.
monday already?! freshmeat is on its way. :p i am excited, but a little nervous. heheh. funny, because i bet the freshmen coming in are feeling the same way. you'd think i'd be over this feeling by now though.
this weekend was great. on saturday, the staff went out to burbank to pick up gifts for our residents and decorations for our floors. afterward, we shot our little film that each building has to do for the freshies to explain one aspect of residential life rules and regulations. we got roommmate conflict. i don't want to give too much away, but it included neil dressing up as the devil in drag, raf as a rather disgruntled angel costume (with a crooked halo to match) and me kicking brian's ass but dressed up as a boy. fun times. :D
when we finally finished the video (close to 10pm--damn, we all spend too much time together), martin and alda came to hang out and deliver my cooooooooouch! woohoo! :) well, it's actually alda's couch, but i get to borrow it. now my room looks a little less empty, but now i feel like it looks too crowded. meh. what can you do? anyway, we played simpsons pictionary and taboo...and for the record, me, martin and stef won by a longshot. ;)
yesterday was a really crazy day too. martin and i first went to pick up alda at home, then drove to dina&friends' birthday party in orange county...sat in the pool for a little and ate some of the best food i've had in a while. it's amazing how you can take plain, white rice for granted until you've had cafeteria food for 3 meals a day.
after the party, alda and i drove martin back to sd and came back to sc to watch adaptation. that movie is great...though i need to take a break before i watch it again. too many lines memorized.
on the way back, we talked like old times...and i think it helped to take away some of that fear that things will never be the same between all us 5th floor girls. i dunno. that's been one of my biggest worries this summer, but i think it'll all be ok if we make the effort.
during the drive, i surprised myself by revealing out loud what often terrifies me the most about relationships. i started to type out what this fear is, but i decided that i won't. i don't want to be vulnerable or make anybody else as paranoid and neurotic as i can get to be. you can ask me yourself if you really want. :)
today is for finishing errands, getting my room ready, and making door decorations for the kiddies. eeeee!

shoobie doobie doo...
Wednesday, August 13, 2003 // 05:14 p.m.
woohoo! we have an hour of a break. this is nice. i get to splurge on pita time.
training has been going really well, although i experienced some burnout for a couple of days...yesterday and today have been better though. i'm getting used to getting less sleep now, and walking is not so hard anymore. uh huh. that ankle is healing! :) less swollen now, and i can jog real slow if i am really careful. so yay. and thanks to all the wellwishers. :) no thanks to the mkt staff that make fun of me all the time :p punks.
the days have been going by pretty quickly in retrospect, but the classes and meetings seem to drag on. i pass the time thinking about what i might be doing this schoolyear and next summer...and it's all very exciting but kind of scary in its own way. we have been talking a lot about goals and expectations, and really all i want is to be more involved and get as much out of sc as i can. well, that and kick ass in my classes. i'm going to try to go to more office hours and SI sessions (as if i didn't go to them all the time in chem :p) and i dunno. i want to do as much for my residents as i can. sometimes i get all antsy thinking about what they are probably doing or going through...and this goes for all incoming freshmen, including my '03 homies. i dunno. i think back to last summer and freaking out about leaving and now look! i'm all well adjusted! heheh. honestly, though...damn that transition can be so scary and exciting and i'm nervous for them. yeeks. gotta get that empathy under control or else i might find it in myself. just one week till move-in...
it's weird to think that alda and all the other RAs went through this last year, while we were all freaking out and making last-minute trips to target and costco...frantically trying to get together one last time before college came along and would change us all. i know i'm being sappy, but it's just so strange to think that a year ago we had never even been exposed to any of this. and now all our lives are interconnected. ok now i KNOW i'm being a huge cheeseball but it really is something i think about all the time. i guess you can think about it in any situation and ask yourself why anything happens, but it's interesting to think about how different your life would be if just one individual hadn't stepped into it. or out of it.
not too long before going to training, i was reminded that there might be a lot of reasons for why people don't keep in touch or leave you. and it might not be because they stop caring about you or whatever reasons you think. sometimes it might just be a misunderstanding. you just don't want it to become a 3week, 3month, 3year misunderstanding.
anyway, i'm going to avoid delving too deep into this right now...there's still a lot to do and i gotta conserve all that brain power. hope everyone at home and those that have started moving in are all doing well.

is it good? yeeesss.
Sunday, August 10, 2003 // 03:27 a.m.
just had a nice visit from an old friend...probably one of the best talks i've had since i arrived at SC. :) thanks homie.
life has been completely revolving around training so far, as you probably have guessed. when i do get an hour or so off, it's to take a nap or i just sit and play guitar 'cause i don't know what else to do with free time. hehe. tonight was really fun--we went to mulligans for some minigolf and then hit up chilli's for a second helping of dinner. yaaaay for fun staff devo time. yep. happy times.
i forget what i've been wanting to write about these past few days, which frustrates me because i think it was somewhat significant. but i think, overall, i'm really glad that i've been able to catch up with some folks that have been absent from my life for a while...and even to catch up with people that i see pretty often but never get the chance to talk to a lot. i'm really grateful for the friendships i've formed. such a cheeseball, but it's 3:30 in the morning! what do you expect? :P
i'm overwhelmingly giddy. :)

mkt: "i love this place!"
Friday, August 8, 2003 // 12:02 a.m.
so far, training has been going pretty well. been making lots of friends and progress and learning a lot. it was intimidating in the beginning, but not so bad now, and i think/hope that it only gets better from here.
i'm all settled in and the place looks lovely. heh. sort of. the walls are pretty bare, so keep in mind that amy is in dire need of artsy fartsy photographs (ooh esp. black and white urban pictures) and posters of cool bands. nudge nudge. :D other than that, it is pretty sweet and i love it so far. thomas has been nice enough to stay with me these past couple of days, and it's been really nice to have his company. i must admit, he keeps me from going crazy. and the one night he was not here, i did go a little crazy. but, less on that and more on better things...
the ankle is still swollen but i can walk on it now and it's nice to have cafeteria food again. two very unrelated statements but i am happy and that's all that matters.

i'd do anything.
Wednesday, August 6, 2003 // 01:52 a.m.
can't sleep...head too full of worries and pestering thoughts and tomorrow is the first day of training and...
i'm sorry if i'm not good enough and i'm sorry for a lot of things...for all the things i could never explain and for the reasons i get this way and...god i've never been so scared of this before. before i knew that it was just me but now i hear it in you and that scares me to death.
i'm far too complicated, and, i can't believe i'm saying this, but way more competitive than i thought i was.

the trials of life.
Sunday, August 3, 2003 // 09:14 p.m.
hehe, the title makes it sound like this is going to be such a serious entry, huh? ;p don't worry. i'm in my brother's room right now, and in his video collection, there are about 12 videos that have "the trials of life" and a picture of an animal on the spine. i don't know what the videos are about, but it looks interesting. and deadly. :D
so, as you may have guessed, i am safe and sound now in LA. the last few days have been really crazy, with lots of packing, partying (or as much partying as you can do with a sprained ankle) and goodbyes. i'm a little disappointed that i didn't get to spend a lot of time with people, but i suppose these things happen. anyway, what's important now is what's up ahead, i guess.
martin came yesterday morning and the visit was, i must say, a huge success. i think my parents really like him, and my brothers seem pretty supportive. then again, what's not to like? ;D nyuknyuknyuk. the gang, or those that met him anyway, seem to get along with him well...awh hell. what more can i say? he's a keeper--even ann said so. :)
the drive to LA was fun and seemed actually really short. martin drove most of the way, and then once we got settled in at usc, i went to his house for dinner with the family. ohhh yeah. gettin' in good with the family. hahaha. i'm a huge nerd for still being nervous and excited about these kinds of things, but i dunno. it's important to me.
life is weird, man. what can i say? my last month or so in san jose, i was really excited about going back to LA. now that i'm here, i wish i could pick and choose and take some things with me. life in LA right now isn't the way i remember it, and i feel sort of disillusioned. i guess it's just like when i came back home to san jose for the first time. it's all the same thing...getting used to being home and then getting up and leaving all over again. huh. i guess i could never achieve my goal of becoming a truck driver. hehe. oh well.
when everything in life seems like it won't stop moving, it's nice to have something constant to keep you grounded.

walking on broken glass.
Thursday, July 31, 2003 // 11:25 a.m.
i am almost positive that i've used that title before. oh well. makes no difference! :)
i've relocated back to upstairs and can sleep in my own room now. oh, joy. :) i can hobble around a bit, but it hurts like crazy and it's very frustrating that i am moving out in two days and i have barely started packing. once i start trying to walk again, my ankle swells up like...well. you get the picture. haha. anyway, i will eventually be ok and i have to keep thinking that. janice and sonny's birthdays are tomorrow...so in case i don't write tomorrow, a very happy birthday to both! :) then martin is coming this saturday! and then sunday morning we'll start our long drive back. crazy.
it still feels like summer, even though the weather has gotten all overcast and cold and windy. i feel slightly cheated out of a month of summer, but i'm excited to go back. there is just still so much i feel like i haven't been able to do.
i don't know where martin finds this stuff, but it's pretty hilarious. :D
oh and for other entertainment, i've put up some pictures. i was too lazy to put in captions, but the titles should say it all. there are some nice pictures (courtesy of t-mobile) from this summer, and if you've hung out with me post-june this summer, chances are that your picture is there. :) if i like you enough, anyway. ;) i kid, i kid. come over. i'll take a picture of you and put it up. promise.