amy*s musings.
pictures.
more pictures!
thank you, pitas.
2004
// infinite possibilities.
// heightened senses.
// orchid thief.
// tough like watermelon.
// amplified aching.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
since you've been gone. time on my own. a waste. giant leap of faith. collide. love circles. swiss army romance. breathe in. a good feeling.
"I wanna be with her more, I wanna be with her all the time, and I wanna tell her things I don't even tell you or mum. And I don't want her to have another boyfriend. I suppose if I could have all those things, I wouldn't really mind if I touched her or not." --Marcus, About a Boy
Clementine: Look, I'm sorry if I came off a little nutso, I'm not really.
"There's a certain orchid that looks exactly like a certain insect so the insect is drawn to this flower, its double, its soul mate, and wants nothing more than to make love to it. And after the insect flies off, spots another soul-mate flower and makes love to it, thus pollinating it. And neither the flower nor the insect will ever understand the significance of their lovemaking. I mean, how could they know that because of their little dance the world lives? But it does. By simply doing what they're designed to do, something large and magnificent happens. In this sense they show us how to live - how the only barometer you have is your heart. How, when you spot your flower, you can't let anything get in your way." good days. u2: with or without you. that numbing sting. falling asleep to the sound of silence. living in a bubble. lovers and friends. would it take a half a pound to roll that joint for you? you don't know the half of it. it was only a kiss. somewhere only we know.
and if you have a minute why don't we go
i can't keep being here for you in this way. please make a decision. consider the odds. uh oh. more than fine.
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 // 02:07 a.m.
it's strange how this has felt like the longest week--hard to believe that it all happened just one week ago. just a week ago i was heartbroken, stressed out over my midterm, and panicked. that is not to say that all of that has gone away, but i have a midterm tomorrow and i feel pretty calm.
i had a moment today where i caught myself letting go and falling for someone i barely know--if only to be in that mindset again. and it's funny how much he reminds me of mr. point of information. he's actually quite charming and funny and even LOOKS similiar. kind of creepy, and he just happened to stroll into my life.
do you ever get that feeling like you keep meeting the same type of guy? and within that split second when he makes you laugh, you can fastforward to that very moment when he will eventually break your heart?
Monday, February 28, 2005 // 12:39 a.m.
i'm sorry that i can't better articulate this.
i feel anti-social in every way. i am unmotivated, angry at the world, and just tired and unfeeling for the rest of the world.
i know i'm being selfish and probably taking out my aggression on the wrong people (earlier chewed out my residents for being loud...they are always loud and today i just wasn't about to put up with it).
i hate being a bitch and i hate being this way, especially when all i want is to feel peace in my heart.
i wish i could give you some kind of reason, some explanation for why i am this way. but i can't even figure it out for myself. in the past, it has helped to talk to friends about it and vent. but in this case, it doesn't further the situation. i am not finding answers--only more questions. and it might just be that i spent this entire weekend being social and now i am through, and so hopefully i will be fine when i wake up in the morning.
but i am tired of waking up crying.
Friday, February 25, 2005 // 10:10 a.m.
woke up more bitter than usual today. it worried me because i don't want to be vindictive.
instead of telling me he didn't have the guts, he should've said that he didn't have the heart.
^^ lines you'll find in the next song i write. heh.
i hope you can collect all of the times you've ever hurt me and feel badly for all of them. because i'm just not showing mercy anymore.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 // 10:42 p.m.
i'm better today. had a good long cry and finally let it all sink in. took a nap in cinema class. (thank you, bao's shoulder.) will probably turn in early tonight and try to see if i can get work done tomorrow.
at first it hurt so much that i couldn't really see a way out. i suppose i can see this in itself a way out, though. it's a chance to move on, unattached and without any guilt. it is also a great way to get myself motivated to sing and write again.
sometimes when it seems that your only light has been extinguished, it becomes so much harder to remember that there are stars to guide you.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 // 01:45 a.m.
for the first time in a long time, i feel completely hopeless.
i just don't see the point anymore.
i used to believe that things happen for a reason, that people will be good to you if you are good to them, and that you get what you deserve.
and i understand right now i am probably just being blind, ungrateful. but i just can't believe in people anymore. i just can't.
everything that once seemed certain, i have been proven wrong. everything i thought i could believe in seems futile. i'm just not sure where to go from here. what's the point anymore?
i just don't see it. i know i will be a stronger person, but for what? only to get hurt again? only to fall into the same traps, the same circles and triangles? only to realize that it's not good enough?
the hurt doesn't seem to go away.
Saturday, February 19, 2005 // 10:05 a.m.
skimmed over the entries of the last month or so, and realized that i keep coming back to the same place. no kidding, i really am.
waiting, always waiting. waiting wishing wanting. and it's impossible.
and i could threaten to shut you out of my life, but i don't know how much it would work. we are, after all, best friends...and i've never been good at shutting people out.
and i know it's hard to understand from the outside, because the answers seem so obvious. trust me, i am kicking myself for not listening to my conscious thoughts that want nothing more than to get away from him. it's so easy to fall back into the cycle, to hold his hand, to shut out the world and for a few hours pretend that we are the only two people that exist.
ugh. i really do disgust myself sometimes.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 // 11:29 a.m.
i'm not trying to claim martyr-status or pretend like i've been through more shit than others, but i gotta say that one of the best things about getting hurt over and over again is that you learn to get over it. fast.
fuck it. i'm good at getting infatuated with new guys and replacing romantic love with things like food, friends, music, books, and taking long drives.
heh. yeah, i'm bitter. i guess it just comes with the territory.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 // 12:12 a.m.
i am pretty good at killing my own high by getting caught up in something completely unrelated and becoming incredibly insecure about it.
today is no different, but i wouldn't say i'm killing my high. just re-directing it.
things within the political realm have been pretty good. i am learning a lot about myself, and was very confident today. it's great to feel this way. whatever happens, i think i'll be pretty happy. i just don't want to let anyone else down.
outside of political things, i feel like things are getting rebuilt. my self-esteem about things is getting rebuilt.
the thing is, if you can't make a sacrifice for something you supposedly believe in, then maybe you really don't believe in it at all. and it's true--i care about you a lot. but i am asking you to take a risk on something that you know you can fall back on. it's like asking you to jump when you know there's something to catch you. and i understand it's difficult, but i can't believe in all your claims if you can't do this one thing.
love is a funny word.
i'm realizing though that, whatever happens, i will be alright. i think it's harder for you to see, maybe, but there is life after your first love. and i will eventually get over you. and, to be honest, i don't know if i believe in soulmates. lord knows i'm a romantic, but i'm really done with this idea that someone is perfect for you. especially because...well, fuck. i'm perfect for you, and you can't get the balls to be with me.
i must sound so bitter right now. i guess i am just really tired of being used (like anyone likes to be used) and i am really tired of people telling me how i'm too good for this. i do deserve better, i know. i just thought i'd give you a chance. what makes it hard to accept is this idea that i have given you every fucking piece of me and been completely honest and vulnerable to you and it's still not enough to make you see. and despite everything you've told me, actions speak louder than words. i can't just pretend like you're mine when you're not, and i can't let you hurt me this way. i'm going to have to take the high road.
the fucking high road, man. it's a lonely one.
Friday, February 11, 2005 // 10:07 a.m.
you should know that i have never had anyone be so honest with me about how they feel. it's good to know that you're vulnerable, too.
Joel: That's okay, I really didn't think you were.
--Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
--John Laroche, Adaptation
Monday, February 7, 2005 // 02:50 a.m.
for a second, you had me convinced that i'd lost you as a friend. that's the last thing i'd want. so thank you.
everything is crazy, but not bad at all. just really really exhausting. less than two weeks till a three day weekend...what will hopefully be a restful, relaxing three day weekend. no debates, forums...a rest from the world.
i have cried a lot these past few days, but tonight i got teary-eyed just thinking about how happy my friends and family make me. and how grateful i am to have you all and to know you all care so much. thank you so much. twenty one never felt so good. :) i love you.
Saturday, February 5, 2005 // 07:36 a.m.
i've never been so drunk before. not a happy kind of drunk anyway.
i suppose that is how the weekend of your 21st birthday should be. it's been really good. i am really happy with things, in general. i am even excited about most things.
on thursday, dinner party at saddle ranch with 30ish of my close friends...super fun. karaoke, rode the mechanical bull. last night was snowball, which is south side's annual dance thrown by the building governments. it was a success, i think. i only went for about an hour because i had been invited to delta tau delta's (my favorite house!) invite. so daniel came to pick me up for that and it was super fun. i've never been an invite before, and the theme was "gods and goddesses" so daniel and i wore togas. thanks to a shitload of alcohol, i really felt pretty good the whole time.
cut to the end of the invite, and i can't seem to find my purse. started to freak out, and sobered up real quick. desperately searched that disgusting floor, crawling around and trying hard to concentrate as my eyes went in and out of focus.
i never want to have to sober up that way ever again.
they found my purse tossed aside somewhere obscure, with my wallet and my camera missing. thankfully, my keys, student ID, and phone were still there...but i was really upset about my camera especially. there were a lot of pictures that i really wanted to keep. it makes me feel pretty fucking angry.
daniel was a real sweetheart about it, and i have to tell him how great he is later. but it really did spoil the mood of everything, and i did a lot of cursing before i really seemed to get it out of my system. i just can't believe someone stole my stuff like that.
when i came home, i imed ----- thinking he might still be awake, which he was. i didn't want to hang out by myself, so i went to his place. i swear sometimes i'm such a fucking dumbass, because there was one choice i shouldn't have made, and i did it anyway. i guess i kept thinking that he would make me feel better, wanted, loved. things would be better and i would be reminded that my camera and wallet were just material things.
i came back to my room pissed off at him for the bajillionth time. i just don't know what's going on, and i tell him time and time again that i would wait for him if he just old me what was going on. and i asked him if we'd be together at some point, and he said we would, he just didn't know when.
well, shit. what the fuck kind of answer is that?
i slept for about an hour, but can't really rest because my mind is going so quickly--probably somewhat because of the alcohol. shit. i feel like shit. anyway, i started thinking about it...cleaning up my room and thinking why this happened to me. was there some kind of profound reason behind it all?
and it hit me that there really was. i am still so pissed off about my camera being stolen, because that's my personal property and it has a lot of memories.
but imagine if i had my boyfriend stolen from me. how many goddamned memories does that have?
maybe it's karma after all. maybe i've really fucked up and this is my wake up call.
it certainly can't be worth risking all of my moral values for a guy that i don't even know i'd completely trust because of everything that has happened between us.
she probably hates me, doesn't even know me and hates me so much. and i think, a part of me hates myself too. and i'm not saying he's not to blame too, but i really have been the bitch who made it hard for him to keep his dick in his pants. and i've had a motive all this time.
maybe i'll delete this later, when i'm sober and realize what an ass i'm making of myself by posting this. how much i am exposing myself to people that don't know me, people that will judge me and think horrible things about me. but i think one of the most positive things about alcohol is that it brings out the truth. whether you want to hear it or not.
Tuesday, February 1, 2005 // 10:45 a.m.
you know that feeling you get in your heart when you know you're about to be let down?
it hit me today.
Monday, January 31, 2005 // 01:24 p.m.
things have been weird and good lately, for the most part.
i find myself ready to cry when i kiss him sometimes, and it makes me sad because i'm not sure what it is. a kind of nostalgia overwhelms me. maybe not nostalgia, but a sense of memory that makes me remember all of the hurt. and all i could think in that moment was...please don't hurt me again.
we are in for the long haul, i suppose. or at least, i am. we had a good long talk. and in the end, we are still friends. he said that i am the type of person he knows he'd fall in love with. that's comforting, because sometimes i feel like when describing how i feel about him...smitten is an understatement. i am crazy about him.
we're going to get through this, i think. i don't know where things will go, but we've reached a level of honesty with each other that i really don't think i've ever been able to reach with any boy ever before. it makes me happy, but what we have said to each other makes me a bit sad.
my horoscope is so right on today: "You're due for a bit of romance -- no, more than a bit. A lot. It's up to you whether it lasts forever or just for a day, of course. If you opt for forever, it may fall to you to convince the admirer in question that you're willing to stay in this for the long haul. Of course, that won't be tough to do. Anyone as unusual and interesting as you are is well worth the effort it undoubtedly takes to land you."
pretty eerie how these things sometimes work out.
life has been a whirlwind of staying up late, falling asleep alone and waking up early to a new day of tasks and obligations. it's not a bad thing, it's just rushed and really exhausting.
on a different note, i love my screenwriting class. it really gives me the outlet i need to create something that i can love. i like the people a lot, too. the semester seems promising.
Saturday, January 22, 2005 // 08:08 p.m.
early this morning, someone at school either fell or jumped off of the 8th story window in the building next to mine. i should mention that this was a resident in the same area as ours, and thus, our resident collectively.
even when i was walking over to meet for habitat for humanity this morning and saw all of the policecars and ambulance out there, i got chills. and at that point, no one really knew. as soon as i did find out the truth, i felt sort of weird. it was just sort of a shock.
i later found out that no one knows if it was an accident or suicide. apparently, he had been drinking heavily that night, so if anything, his judgment was impaired.
we didn't know him, but the whole thought of it is so strange and confusing. one slip, and it's over. in one way, it puts things into perspective. but in another way, it's completely disorienting.
Thursday, January 20, 2005 // 12:41 a.m.
i understand that this developed over time, and the choice was brewing in our minds for several months, but essentially, we went from being friends to lovers in a span of a week.
no wonder i'm worried.
paranoia is taking over, and i know i've said it a million times before, but i'm really tired of getting caught up in this circle-triangle thing. we flirt, something happens, i swear off our friendship for a couple of weeks until i start missing you and it starts all over again. and i am very tired of missing you. i'm powerless to do anything, really, and the only thing i really can do is run away from this. understand that it's the last thing i want to do, but you've done this to me before and i don't think i can handle the hurt again.
and i don't expect a miracle--i don't even expect you to tell me that you have made the decision to be with me. i am just tired of seeing us all hurt over this.
i'm not trying to be a "typical" girl, and i don't want to be another problem that stresses you out and gives you premature ulcers. it's not worth it. it's just that i can't wait around for you to make a choice, putting everything else on hold so that you get first pick if you ever pick me.
if you ever pick at all.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005 // 08:47 a.m.
wow. what a weekend.
friday started out innocently enough--went out to the movies with my residents and watched "in good company"...very cute. the movie was awkward with its editing and acting, but i've been a lot more critical lately, so maybe i just have to let it go. anyway, i felt like the script had too many things thrown into it, attempting to make the situation that much more complex, but really it distracted me. in the meantime, it was difficult to relate to the characters, and scarlet, topher, and dennis quaid had to rely on their star personas to carry the movie. where was the character development?!
anyway, i'll try to enjoy the movie for the movie. heh.
afterwards, lindsay and i went to play poker with some of the apo boys. pretty fun, but i definitely didn't expect to stay up until 7am with blankityblank. and he still makes me very happy. after weeks of denial, i will admit it; i am absolutely smitten. i think about him a lot...but now i know that he thinks of me too. :) still don't know where this is going to go, but at least everything is out there in the open now.
the rest of the weekend unfolded nicely. chris' birthday dinner, from which i had to leave early, to go to san francisco with suz and meeting up with the rest of the girls. not exactly wild times, but still a damn good time, and a reminder of how much i love these girls. even if we all are just grandmas, really. :)
looong talk with suz in the car on the way back to la, and we established several things in several topics of conversation. we decided that what goes on in the car stays in the car, but there was one thing that she said that made me feel incredibly happy. she said that nothing is ever going to hurt like the first love, but the second love can give you hope again and, essentially, make you snap out of that "the world is over" phase. now isn't that nice to know? :)
a weekend of firsts, indeed.
Thursday, January 13, 2005 // 11:36 a.m.
that's it. no more drinking on school nights. especially not tequila.
i've never been so tempted to drunk dial friends, particularly boys i am enamored with, until last night. i have also never been yelled at by -----. i've also never gone to sleep immediately following a shot. oh, and i don't think i've ever woken up with a hangover.
there's a first time for everything, i guess.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005 // 09:12 p.m.
how many times can we get this close and still decide that it's not enough?
maybe the book is right. maybe you're just not that into me. heh. and if that's the sad truth...well...that's sad.
oh well. school has been going fairly well and work is good too. ----- is still the highlight of my days, but i'm realizing that it's not worth it to hold on anymore. time to stop wallowing in pity and worthless hope. also, it's time for scrubs. :)
Sunday, January 9, 2005 // 03:16 a.m.
oh simple thing where have you gone?
i'm getting old and i need something to rely on.
so tell me when you're gonna let me in
i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin.
talk about it somewhere only we know?
this could be the end of everything
so why don't we go somewhere only we know?
keane: somewhere only we know.
Friday, January 7, 2005 // 02:39 a.m.
i wish you did not try to pretend to be happy for other people's sake. it really worries me.
Tuesday, January 4, 2005 // 02:32 a.m.
it worries me a LOT that it's 2:30 and i still can't sleep. not because of the time, but because i have a meeting at 10am tomorrow and i really would like to get a good bit of sleep, especially since i haven't really woken up before 10am for at least a couple of weeks. yikes!
so i turn to pita-ing. redid a bit of the design, tried to freshen it up a little. i like it. it's very, um, valentinesy. and i like valentine's. not because of the holiday itself, but because of the pretty colors and the fact that you can wear pink that week and people won't think you're weird for it. i realized the other day that i have about 6 pink shirts. that's a lot of pink, and i didn't even know i liked pink that much.
god. please let me sleeeeeeeep.
tomorrow we leave for our retreat in marina del rey. woop. it's not very far from here, but it will be a nice beach house, so that should be very nice.
----- confuses the hell out of me. seeing him again today reminded me of how i idealize him in my head SO MUCH. haha. but i was not let down by his company; he always makes me laugh so much and when i am with him, i feel happy.
but i don't want to be with him. does that make sense? well, i do want to be with him, but not as a rebound. i don't want him to have to make some kind of sacrifice to be with me only to risk discovering that he may have had a better bargain pre-amy. heh. i don't want to be the homewrecker. i don't want to be anything more than a friend if it has to be like this. it's really not fair to anybody. and i would just hate to have those expectations hanging over my head.
gah. it's better if i don't think at all.
Sunday, January 2, 2005 // 12:54 a.m.
on december 30th, vy came over and we watched "rear window" together. afterwards, we had a conversation that i'm going to try not to forget, because as we talked, i said something that i had not really realized for myself until that very moment. we were kind of wrapping up our year and kind of discussing what we had learned and everything. and i realized that in life, really, there are infinite possiblities. and whatever choices you make are completely at random, and you can only hope that was a good decision--not the "right" decision because in one situation, a right decision could have been wrong in another. and the more we talked about it, the more i realized how people dwell on what could have been if such and such happened. i have to admit, i still once in a while think "what would've happened if i stayed with martin?" and i am miserable about it because i think about how happy we could be. but it's an idealized situation; what would've happened if we stayed together and just fought for another four months? i never would have joined APO, and i wouldn't have been as close to my residents as i became. maybe i wouldn't have taken on naascon--maybe all that i've accomplished this year wouldn't have happened because i'd STILL be crying all the time.
when i think about it, i started out this year thinking i could never date again. i remember that on my new years' eve party, i got pretty messed up and cried most of the night. and now i've seen a good deal of the dating world--or something of the sort--and i've been in "relationships" of different levels now. i think i've learned what it is to love someone again...and know that i can bounce back from it.
i've also realized how important friendships are. it's cliche, but it's damn true: friends will be there for you through all your shit. when you are on your rag and can't stop whining about your cramps, when you just feel like eating some pickles at 2 in the morning, when you're having a shitty day and they rescue you with ice cream, when you are having foot surgery and they offer a place for you to live for free! my friends are fucking amazing (i almost censored it, but no other word quite replaces the enthusiasm i have :D )!
this has been a year of rebuilding suffering friendships, as well. if anything, this winter break has taught me this. this was my first time home for more than a few days since last winter break, and i'll admit that not keeping in touch has really hurt a few friendships that i've held very close to my heart. but i'm trying to work on it, and i am still thankful for these friends. and it's been good to catch up with old friends this break--people i haven't seen in years--and wow, i even made up with my ex from high school! that's a feat, if ever there was one. :D
december 31st was a damn good day. cleaned up the house and jenny from middle school called me to get some coffee. man, that was a trip, but it was so awesome because everything was still so chill with us! i was really amazed, honestly, because there was not even a touch of awkwardness even though it's been at least 7 years or so since we've really hung out together. i mean, you gotta be grateful for something like that. i left that starbucks feeling so good. after i got back, cleaned up some more and just prepped the house/food.
it was a good new years' celebration--you know when you feel like you get that mix of people that just makes you feel really happy? it was like that. by 3, we had broken out the high school/middle school pictures and reminisced for another hour or so. you never think things will change as much as they do, but they do. there are so many possibilities.