amy elizabeth.
hugs and kisses to the one i misses. :)
thank you, pitas.
wishlist!
-books. the ones you think i should read. :)
-a calendar! orchids/gerbera daisies in particular.
-shoes, though i know it's impossible to find.
-scarves, gloves.
-classical music.
-a peacoat.
-about a boy book/dvd.
-pilates videos.
-love. awh. heh.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
i will go down with this ship. pic-chaz! wordthief seven nation army ice cream. a year in review.
what a year! though i'm grateful for it and all the people who have come into my life. and especially bittersweet and grateful for those that have left my life, for now at least. i guess it's not fair for me to put up a song for december since there are still eleven days left and you never know what the future brings. :p but i hope you all had a good year in retrospect. consider this my virtual christmas card since i'm not writing any this year. :) to old and new friends, far-away and nearby: warm wishes for a safe and happy holiday and a new year full of all good things. and as tupac once said, "ain't got nothin but love for you." oh it's true. :) xoxo. quirky as ever!
in closing, i am glad to be home. holla at a playa if you're in san hizzle. fo shizzle.
i feel it in my fingers...i feel it in my tooooes bright lights.
sunday morning rain is falling dog puppets! her name was lola... trials and tribulations of a teacher's pet. interrupting thoughts. amy, the red-nosed RA... "if you think about it, every experience is worth having." -henry ford every once in a while... make like a tree and... stundies! but i think i'll stay stuck.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003 // 01:25 p.m.
was gonna write a heartfelt entry, but got caught up in aim. eep. it's the devil. anyway, happy new year! hope it's filled with joy and good food and good friends. if you're not doing anything, all the squares from aquad and a few special guests will be chillin at my house tonight. you're welcome, too! :)
Saturday, December 27, 2003 // 08:03 p.m.
i spent a bit of the evening scanning and uploading pictures for YOUR enjoyment. so go see. :) i'm not done with the albums yet, but they're coming along nicely. the summer 2003 one is a little sparse, but you can always see more pictures here. time for dinner with the folks! hope you're all well.
Friday, December 26, 2003 // 02:24 p.m.
these past few days have been a blur. a fun blur, but i can't completely remember everything that's happened. on tuesday, we had our big dinner with the gang at chili's. it was good to see everybody again, as usual, and me and vy built an awesome tower of coasters. once i get the pictures up, you'll see. :) thanks to everyone that came, though, and hopefully next year's will be less flu-y and with fewer miscommunications. drama-rama, ya'll.
after chili's, annie, vy, and i went to the '02 crew thang at the garret. fun times! it was a smaller group this year, which i kind of enjoyed, simply because i think we get the people that actually want to be there...hopefully, anyway. lots of fun, and it was really good to see old faces that i hadn't seen in like a year. reminded me how grateful i am to have been involved in student government and to have a place to go every day after practice. good ol' mr.g's room. where everybody knows your name, for one reason or another. :O once again, drama-rama, ya'll. hahah. i'm just playin, but damn. high school is crazy. but i'm a nerd and i loved it anyway.
xmas eve was craft day, which was awesome if i do say so myself. heh. we played mario kart doubledash too, which i must say is the best game ever. it's so exciting! you get the little cubes and you throw the little thingies and you can switch off drivers. that shit is off the heezy! haha. i'm a geek for being so enthusiastic about it, but i could play that game all day, man. thanks for bringing it, janice :) and jim, once you get better, IT'S ON, SUCKA!
finally, christmas was really good this year. we celebrated my grandparents' birthdays at the same time this year...supposed to be a "surprise" birthday/xmas party but i don't know if they particularly cared. hah. but it was so cute, all the little kids climbing all over each other to help them blow out the candles. there are far too many kids in the family dude. feels like an asian mafia, and my grandpa, who has turned 85 this year, is like the godfather. what a champ. :D thomas brought his bunnies for the kids to play with, too, so the night was filled with, "buuuunnniiieeesss!" being squealed from time to time. hehe. it definitely felt good to be surrounded by family and in a crowded house.
opening gifts happened last night, when we all finally came back. it was cute because this was the first year in a really long time that my parents gave us presents at christmas. it makes me feel like a little kid again. actually, the best feeling is simply having all my brothers under the same roof. it gives off a feeling of security that kind of fills the house. and there's nothing better than playing board games till five in the morning and waking up at 2 in the afternoon to eat see's chocolates for breakfast. yum. :)
warmth and fuzziness.
Monday, December 22, 2003 // 02:56 p.m.
i love margaret cho. she's so passionate, dude. whenever i meet or talk to people that are so unafraid to be intense, to be in love with something...i am in awe. and i wish i could be as inspired. i think the only thing that i feel somewhat passionate about, as far as careers go, might be education administration. but even that...i don't know. it's all scary, and the future is so uncertain.
admittedly, i am terrified of life. it holds all possibilities, good and bad, and it freaks me out sometimes. i have trouble looking at challenges in the eye lately. i feel like a bit of a fuckup, and it's kind of embarassing. i am ok when i'm with my friends, or if i'm playing ball or usually when i'm driving. other times i'm just sort of restless and i guess a bit sad about whatever. i just feel sort of like i've failed at a lot of things, particularly my relationship with martin, and it's frustrating to feel so alone and not really be able to talk to anybody about it. not that i'm not grateful for those that have let me talk to them about it, and this is not a cry for help, i just need to vent about it because i am tired of crying about it and tired of feeling so goddamn incapable. i don't know. i know i'm being melodramatic, and i'll get over it. i feel bipolar! eep.
i think i just need to re-learn the things that make me happy and do them for myself. it's not about alone time, it's about surrounding myself with the people i love. and kicking ass in basketball :D hahah. if only, right? :)
Sunday, December 21, 2003 // 11:50 p.m.
"you can't drive forward if you keep looking in the rear view mirror." -the wise sonny tizzle :D
basically, don't let the past hold you back. in any and every case.
i'm pooped. and "the royal tenenbaums" is a great movie.
Saturday, December 20, 2003 // 11:28 p.m.
after having watched many a "best of 2003" shows and read articles about the like, i decided it'd be fun to describe this year using song lyrics from (sort of) pop songs of 2003. some of them might just be songs from my own personal favorites, though, but i'll try and use as many popular songs as possible as to relate to a larger audience :D i'm sure you guys don't really care, actually--i'm doing it mostly for my own enjoyment and limiting myself to pop songs as a fun sort of challenge. i know. i'm a nerd and i don't really expect anyone to read this, but i think it's fun! :) joy!
so here it is, my year in review according to the hits:
january:
"wish cast into the sky, i'm moving on//sweet beginnings do arise." -all american rejects: swing swing.
february:
"go go go shorty, it's your birthday//we gonna party like it's your birthday...i'm that cat by the bar toastin to the good life." -50 cent: in da club.
march:
"you stood at the door with your hands on my waist// and you kissed me, but you meant it// and i knew that you meant it." -dashboard confessional: hands down.
april:
"i love you like a fat kid love cake." -nuff said. :p
may:
"you can turn off the sun, but i'm still gonna shine//and i'll tell you why...'cause i won't worry my life away." -jason mraz: the remedy.
june:
"'cause i miss you, body and soul...and though i can't be with you tonight, you know my heart is by your side." -daniel bedingfield: if you're not the one.
july:
"together we broke all the rules//dreaming of dropping out of school//and leave this place to never come back...i'd do anything just to fall asleep with you." -simple plan: i'd do anything.
august:
"if tomorrow never comes//i would want just one thing//i would tell it to the stars and sun//i would write it for the world to see//and it's you." -michelle branch: it's you.
september:
"either way i wonder sometimes//about the outcome of a still verdictless life//am i living it right?" -john mayer: why georgia.
october:
"and i take in just a little bit//i close my eyes and count to ten//i've been waiting for a chance to let you in." -michelle branch: breathe.
november:
"don't you see, don't you see that the charade is over?//and all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards all go to you." dashboard confessional: the best deceptions.
december:
"i was just guessing at numbers and figures//pulling your puzzles apart.//questions of science, science and progress//do not speak as loud as my heart...nobody said it was easy.//oh it's such a shame for us to part.//nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard.//i'm going back to the start." -coldplay: the scientist.
Thursday, December 18, 2003 // 11:31 p.m.
it's good to be home. :D
finished with finals! drove home yesterday, all by myself :) rather proud, thank you very much. it was kind of self-cleansing. singing your heart out for like 5 hours (oh yes, record time, baby.) and listening to songs you are secretly ashamed that you like (let's just say nsync...was the jam). heheh. super!
today went to play ball with slac (vy, our Stanford Linear ACcelerator) and watched lotr! yes. finally. ha, after one whole day of waiting for it right? :P such a big dork. but the movie was awesome, of course, although for some reason i expected more? i don't know. orlando bloom. sigh. maybe i'll wear my orlando undies tomorrow. heehee.
for your enjoyment, a conversation between me and annie (and an invitation to my arts and crafts day!):
me: two events coming up, a dinner and arts and crafts.
annie: wtf? u fuckin teacher u.
me: what?! it'll be cool. i'm gonna buy mugs and we're gonna personalize them!
annie: ur scary.
Monday, December 15, 2003 // 02:03 a.m.
so i've been having these profound insights in the shower lately, and although right now is one of the worst times to post a profound thought, i wanted to share before i get back to cramming for bio. anyhoo...i was just thinking, who says the honeymood period ever has to end? there is no rule in the book that says that it does. maybe it's just an excuse to stop having an amazing sex life. :D but the way i see it, you should wake up every morning and think, "god, i'm lucky." and should it ever change...maybe some things have to change.
so i'm going to stop feeling so bad about everything. different expectations and philosophies about relationships. i don't regret anything, and as paula abdul once said, "that's the way love goes". hahah. is that right? i get her mixed up with...everybody. :p ok! back to bio. g'nite everybody. stupid kids done with finals. gar. :) see you at home sooooon.
Sunday, December 14, 2003 // 02:51 a.m.
why can't i sleep? haven't even showered yet. blech.
the energy has worn off. now i am sad and empty. heh. i kid, i kid. though the energy is down now, and i think i'm just in that kind of nostalgic, tired mood. and holy shit--three days away from having this semester over with.
caribbean restaurant called "cha cha cha" tonight. fun times, but very brief because i had to come back to "study". heh. i got some stuff done, but agh. i am so frustrated with myself and my inability to concentrate. i just get so caught up. and then it's impossible to think of anything else. crazy.
steal some covers share some skin
clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
you twist to fit the mold that i am in
but things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
and i would gladly hit the road get up and go if i knew
that someday it would bring me back to you.
that may be all i need.
in darkness she is all i see
come and rest your bones with me
driving slow on sunday morning
and i never want to leave.
maroon 5: sunday morning.
Saturday, December 13, 2003 // 01:32 p.m.
what is the best present you can get from your residents?
DOG PUPPETS! hahaha. two of them. one is named amadeus and the other is cat. they sing, too, "bingo" and "how much is that doggy in the window?" awesome. i was going to name them after the givers of the gift, but they thought it would be insulting. ha!
if i sound hyper (or...read hyper i guess) it's because i am drinking a red bull right now. woohoo! you know you're in trouble when you have to drink red bull to stay away in the DAYTIME. what the heck is wrong with me? a week with 8+ hours of sleep every day is really harmful--may i suggest that you never do it? yes. yes. not a good idea unless it's during winter vacation. which is....5 days away baby!! so close so so so so so so so cloooooose.
a paper to write and then a project and then studying cramming for 4 finals 4 finals eeeeeeeeep.
hahaha. caffeine does some horrible things to me.
Friday, December 12, 2003 // 12:42 a.m.
tonight i was reminded that everybody has a checkered past. and in the grand scheme of things, we're lucky to be alive.
Thursday, December 11, 2003 // 10:22 a.m.
so i took my first final today, which was in my favorite class this semester, tales of witches, rogues, and madmen in early modern spain. what a name for a course, eh? :P it's for my arts and letters requirement, but it was an amazing class. my professor has been nothing but supportive and awesome, and he is always saying nice things about me, so much so that it makes my ears burn. don't know what i did to deserve this, but today, i think i really half-assed the final, which now makes me feel guilty. especially because at the end, he shook my hand and said that it's been a pleasure. now, maybe he does that to all of his students, but it just makes me feel so bad. so now i have to do extra well on the final paper to make up for such a shitty exam.
don't take this as me complaining, just as a point of view. it's flattering to have people expect so much of you, but it can be hard sometimes to live up to those expectations. i'm not saying having no expectations at all is any easier, but it's just interesting how much we feel like we OWE something to people sometimes. i dunno, is it just me? i often feel like it's my responsibility to put other people before me, particularly with my RA job. i know that's not really healthy, but i've always thought that everybody does it. maybe because i've kept the same friends for the last...oh, 8, years with girls that exemplify niceness. you call them and they are there for you, without hesitation. and we're all about the self-sacrifice. maybe it has something to do with the asian culture and enduring hardship, maybe i am pulling this all out of my ass. but it's a strange feeling when you think about living your life to please other people.
just a thought.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003 // 03:08 p.m.
i wonder when i'm ever going to feel whole again.
how are you supposed to know when you've made the right decision?
i feel weak for not going through with this. for not being able to go on with my life and pretend like nothing happened.
on the other hand, i feel weak for not having stuck it through. how would things be different if i didn't let go?
i guess it all comes down to who knows me best.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003 // 12:59 a.m.
dude. my nose hurts so bad right now, but inside and out 'cause it's all raw and pink and peeling. poor unhappy thing. i feel like rudolph.
today started off kind of bleh. i couldn't sleep this morning around 5am, so i studied bio till 7 or so and finally went back to bed, only to sleep through my alarm and make both me and lindsay late. i went to get my package, thinking it was gonna be some awesome thing from someone unexpected, but it ended up being my winter room checklist for my residents. gar. then when we went to the british consulate again today, guess who gets a ticket just as she walks out of the building? soooooo mad. i don't think they'll let me contest it 'cause the city of LA parking enforcement is probably not as lenient as the USC people. oh well. down the tubes, man.
apparently, everyone is sick too because when we went to ralphs, there was no more cough medicine. i mean the entire shelf man--completely empty. who knew? all those poor people. i managed to snag a generic nyquil bottle, which is burning up my stomach as we speak. don't know what's in here, but it must be the 10% alcohol. woohoo! heh. out like a light, hopefully.
thanks for all the kind comments and visits, by the way. :) i appreciate it, and it's nice to being back. i have been updating a lot more too, and i think that's because i'm so used to reviewing through my day with someone at the end of the day, and now that i can't, i'm turning to good ole pita. heh. should be the ultimate cure to being single.
speaking of which, judging by the hits, he hasn't been visiting. which is a good thing, i guess, because i could only imagine that any memories of me would only spark negative/unproductive feelings, just as i am going through the same thing with any memories of him. i can, though, hopefully talk openly and honest about it now without feeling ashamed or weak if i say something. i guess the part that's been hurting the most lately is that i feel like nobody is ever going to love me the same way. and i will miss being able to share my life with him. and i don't even want to think about moving on yet, for either of us. i guess that's how i've always been though.
maybe it's the generic nyquil talking, but i'm pooped. see you later alligators!
Tuesday, December 9, 2003 // 12:06 a.m.
today was a pretty good day. slept till 10, drove lindsay to the british consulate to get her visa, but they didn't get to her before they closed, so we're going back tomorrow. which is ok with me--i like driving in the early mornings 'cause it reminds me of high school. yeah i know, i'm a loser still stuck in high school sometimes. though it feels really far away now, even more than before. weird, huh? i think about it and it's kind of comforting because all the things that seemed like such a big deal during high school are healed now. and i am hoping for the same for things going on these days.
i went the library tonight and read two chapters of bio! oh yes. such a stud. :D i'm pretty proud of myself, though, and hopefully i'll be just as productive in the next week or so. the madness is almost over...
despite what i say, i have the best residents in the world. had a really good dinner with one of my girls today, and when i got back from the library i got a banner-type sign that reads "i love amy". why are they so damn cute? i love these girls.
i have been thinking about it, and what is funny about this year is it kind of feels like my second chance of being a freshman. my residents are so different from the friends that i made last year, and it really opens me up to many new experiences. plus they are going through their wild and crazy, i-just-turned-18 phase and piercing/tattooing everything. it cracks me up, but it's kind of an interesting change in perspective. they are so experimental right now, and their enthusiasm rubs off on me. plus it's fun to dress up/get made up/do nails/hair as if to impress somebody. it's a kind of energy that lets me be a little more girly, a little more willing to take risks. so weird, but i feel a lot of the time like i am learning more from them than they are from me.
Monday, December 8, 2003 // 01:02 a.m.
there are times i really hate this job. true, the good outweighs the bad, and i am still grateful for this, but sometimes...argh. there are certain residents that i can never be sure about, the ones i worry about the most. and it's frustrating, because you never know if they are breaking rules because they want attention or because they're just jerks. heh. i don't know. i still believe in looking for the silver lining. but i also still suck at being a hardass--had to get another RA to help me regulate. damn. so frustrated with myself and the entire situation.
i'm tired of going out. i just want to sit in and do something productive because i've been doing a whole lot of nothing for a while. i'm so overwhelmed and tired of being so busy. tired of interruptions, changes, grades, requirements, expectations. sometimes i wish the world could just stop. give me a chance to breathe.
i miss you so much.
i got horribly sick overnight. couldn't sleep at all last night, and all day today i kept feeling like i was going to keel over. i'm praying it's not the flu, but it's been spreading like mad throughout the floor so i guess i wouldn't be surprised. lots of vitamin c, echinacea, water.
this has felt like the longest week ever.
Sunday, December 7, 2003 // 12:21 a.m.
went to p-town tonight after the game. well, after a nap after the game. :p today feels like a blur. i sat down in barnes and nobles like a nerd and continued reading a book that i began to read at costco a couple of months ago. it's called "the christmas shoes" and i believe they're making a movie of it on cbs. so keep your eyes open for it!
there is one excerpt from it that made me tear up. i wish i could have taken just that page. if i had paper and pen with me, i would have written it down, but alas, i have misplaced my little notebook that i jot things down in. i should have bought that book when i was at costco, but i didn't know at the time that i could relate to it so well. ok ok, minus the kids, the cancer, and the broken relationships. hahah. ok ok, so it doesn't relate to me at all! dammit. :p maybe the next time i am in a bookstore i will pick it up again and finish it.
two nights out in a row and i am exhausted, sore, and my throat is killing me. heh. but each day i realize that i have a lot to be thankful for. and i still miss you, but i'm trying not to think about it.
this week has felt like more. at least a few weeks, it seems, have gone by. maybe because of all the big changes or because of all the possibilities that are coming up next year. tonight, lindsay said, "sometimes the scariest things end up being the best things that happen to you" or something along those lines (sorry if i butchered it). when i think about it, it's true. and you know, i'm grateful for those scary things. not all of them, of course, but you know. just scars to talk about, holes to hide. ooh, poetic.
i've been writing this entry for an hour and now i am too tired to finish. have a good night!
Saturday, December 6, 2003 // 01:36 a.m.
oh, and i forgot to mention the newest joy of my life: STUNDIES! hahah.
you won't believe it till you see it, but my residents managed to make underwear with pictures of hot male actors on them...aka, studs. stud+undies=STUNDIES! i will never get tired of saying that. ha!
so far, i have two pairs of brad pitt and an orlando bloom. if you would like to order a pair, lemme know and i will hook you up, g. act fast, they are selling like hotcakes! :D
Saturday, December 6, 2003 // 01:00 a.m.
good girls' night tonight. went shopping in beverly hills, then in santa monica, and ended the night with a comedy show on campus. fun times! bought supercute jacket. also got paid today, which is part of why i'm in such a super mood. working and getting paid rocks. hahah. guess i'm ready for life! :p
many changes in the past week or so. which made me go on a short hiatus, but obviously it was very short because i got so many requests to come back ;) ok ok, like TWO but that's a lot to me. haha. i know, i'm pathetic. can't even go a week without you, pita-readers! i adore you.
news? i got the tour guide job, and i will begin training next semester. woohoo!! very excited about that, and i think it will be a lot of fun. definitely a really good experience, and the money ain't bad. ;p no better than the job i have now, but CIRCLE has ended so my TA stuff is pretty much done with. so it's time to move on...
speaking of moving on, i also have a new tidbit to share: brian epstein, 4th floor mkt ra and good friend, and i are going to be running for student senate president/vice president for next year. TOTALLY crazy. it started out as an idea that my boss at apass suggested to me, and i kind of laughed, and the idea grew inside my head...and i thought brian would be an excellent running partner, and i brought the idea to him. he was intrigued and...not even like two weeks later and word is spreading. we're getting his frat's backup hopefully, and i think i can get adpi's support. we think that he can get most of the hillel/greek vote and i can get most of the asian vote. hah. sometimes i still don't know if we're serious, but the more people we tell, the more official it seems. mind you, i've never stepped foot into a student senate meeting this year, but heck. high school can't be THAT different from college, right? ha :p i don't know what i'm getting myself into, but it is pretty damn exciting.
as far as classes go, been doing pretty good in most of them, although i'm totally gonna fail bio. i'm not talking "fail" like a C like some overachievers i know that think C is failing (half-kidding!), i mean like a D or an F. hopefully i'll be getting A's in my other classes so it won't be so bad, but it's still pretty much a crappy feeling. just seems incredibly hard to focus this semester.
alright, well, last football game tomorrow so i better hit the hay. woohoo!! i would boast about us going to the sugar bowl but to save face, i'll wait till the final bcs standings are announced on monday afternoon ;) then, prepare for the gloating.
miss you (so hot in the usc shirt i got you :) ) and folks like you.
