"There are all kinds
of love
in the world,
but never
the same love twice."
pictures.
more pictures!
thank you, pitas.
2005
// the longest february.
2004
// infinite possibilities.
// heightened senses.
// orchid thief.
// tough like watermelon.
// amplified aching.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
can't take my eyes off of you. the starting line: a million hearts. i got a story, it's almost finished. all stars seem to weep. uneasy. all or nothing?
looks like the odds against him as far as what other people say. as far as what i think, i can't figure out if i really do love him or if i'm just trying to convince myself that i do.
crazy. something new. huh. pensive. smitten.
i never knew such a day could come
i never knew till i looked in your eyes
can i just see you every morning when i open my eyes mind your step. ohhh man. everyday things. wow. boo. doth i protest too much? oh pita, it's been so long. the art of being overconfident. come what may.
all this time i wanted a happy ending, rice krispies! mmm. first! the drawbacks. quiet sunday. sort of funny. oh, look what you've done. woopsy. the truth is. retracing steps. the longest day.
i am really starting to wonder if there are things seriously wrong with me as far as emotional/hormonal stuff goes. i think about how concerned kevin used to get about me being so imbalanced, so seemingly fake when it came to emotions. it's like that. 'cause if you want love, we'll make it.
Saturday, December 10, 2005 // 02:04 p.m.
unexpectedly seeing you today reminded me of something.
underneath all of the bitterness, the anger, the desire to move on and forget--is an inevitable and overwhelming sadness.
there was once love here.
Wednesday, December 7, 2005 // 01:19 a.m.
there are times when i feel like my life is coming together pretty much according to plan.
the only thing is, i didn't plan it. woops.
Monday, November 28, 2005 // 09:31 a.m.
with all the ups and downs, i have a confession to make:
i bought a book called "it's called a breakup because it's broken; the smat girl's breakup buddy."
hahaha.
the thing is, it's quite helpful. the book is written by the same guy who wrote "he's just not that into you" and to be honest, it's even more true to life than that book. i felt like the last book was mean in some ways, and not necessarily true. this one, on the other hand, is a little more comforting and less insulting--it's a good friend to have when i'm starting to have those pangs of longing, etc. and the great thing is, i can read it at anytime, can consult it again and again, and it cost me a mere $19.95. i'm hoping this will bring me sanity.
i don't want to feel bad about mike anymore. i really don't want to feel anything. i wrote him a letter proposing friendship and nothing more, and i guess we'll see where things go from here. i'm ready to move on. at least, i have to be.
Sunday, November 27, 2005 // 07:06 a.m.
it was 4am when i felt the tap on my shoulder and saw that the car was stopped. pitch black around us. my brother's friend, dan, says, "you gotta see this."
i uncurl myself from my comfortable sleeping position and step into the cold, dark air. we look up, like a scene right out of the movies, and there are more stars up there than i feel like i've seen in my entire life. it's beautiful, and poignant. all those stars collected over millions of years--they really remind you that there's a whole history of the universe much bigger than you. much bigger than your petty problems, fleeting concerns, heartaches.
-------------------
so i've gone from denial to desperation back to denial and now i'm angry. all of this in a couple of days! no good. anyway, i'm pissed because i can't believe he could do this to me. after everything we've been through. first, he does a shitty job of being a boyfriend. then, he tells me that he's been unhappy for a while now, AND he recognizes the fact that all he's ever done consistently is hurt me. and what the fuck do i get? a whole lotta SHIT.
and i don't regret being with him, i don't think. i do feel like it's my fault that we broke up in the first place, and maybe i should have waited longer. but shit, i don't know. maybe what we thought was love faded away a long time ago and we were just holding onto our own delusions about what a relationship should look like.
god, you're an asshole. but i'm tired of this whole game. let's just be friends or acquaintances or whatever and be done with this shit.
Saturday, November 26, 2005 // 10:13 p.m.
the next time you see me or talk to me, feel free to tell me that i'm moping over nothing. tell me to stop sulking, because really, it's not worth it. shit happens, other fish in the sea...etc. i don't want to feel bad anymore, and once again, i'm pretty sure i'm taking this all too seriously.
Saturday, November 26, 2005 // 10:40 a.m.
you know how you can have nights where you slept a good amount but feel like you haven't slept at all? it's all interrupted sleep, strewn with worries and too many emotions clogging everything up.
ann says i think too much, and this is true. i wish i could take away my thoughts and put them somewhere else, especially when i'm trying to sleep.
i dreamt about you when i went back to bed. and even in my dream, i was panicking. i just wanted you. more than anything, i wanted to be with you. and obstacles got in the way; my residents, your friends, plans changing last minute. it all hurt.
i don't want this to hurt anymore. and i'm sorry i can't let go. i really do love you, and i don't know how to say goodbye to this. a few weeks ago, it was so much easier. mentally, i had prepared myself for the worst. this time, i had prepared myself for the best and assumed that we'd be getting back together. so to hear that you haven't been happy, that you can't do this anymore, that you don't want this...you really break my heart, you know that? like we haven't gotten anywhere in the past year. it makes me feel like my heart still longs for you even though i know i can't hold onto this anymore. there's nothing to hold on to.
i'm so sorry we couldn't do better than this. i'm sorry there are no more chances after this.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005 // 08:38 p.m.
i'm so proud of myself--i haven't called him or anything in the past two weeks! initiating conversation is a trap, folks. a TRAP.
various advice i've heard:
"in the time it takes for you two to talk things over, you'd already have met ten guys if you were truly letting yourself be single."
"things aren't going to change. he's not going to change. he's just not the type of guy you're looking for."
"is he worth settling for? because that's what it sounds like. it sounds like you're lowering your standards for him."
"love is tough. everyone struggles. maybe this is just a temporary setback."
"if you give him another chance, it's all or nothing."
Monday, November 21, 2005 // 11:00 a.m.
all these crazy thoughts running through my head.
when love stops being enough, what are you supposed to do? especially when it's enough for one person and doesn't feel like enough for the other? who is supposed to change?
women give up so much in a relationship. maybe men do too and i don't know it. but i'd like to know, i think. it's just so frustrating, not knowing. will things get better? will they get worse and it comes down to feeling like we failed? i'm tired of trying with you and having it turn into one big disappointment.
we want the same things, i'm pretty sure. we love each other, yes. we are attracted to each other and want to be together, and we make each other laugh. we are both selfish and stubborn, and we both think of ourselves as good people.
so if love isn't enough, what will it take?
Wednesday, November 2, 2005 // 12:40 a.m.
i haven't felt this lost or unsure in a while. at least, before when i was not doing too well, there was an end goal in mind: getting over someone, working on a project, finishing a paper. there's no end goal here.
i don't even know if i've ever been like this: not able to say anything is certain. i don't know what the hell i'm doing next semester and thereafter. i don't know where i'll be living. i don't know who i can turn to, and i don't even feel like things are right between us.
the thing about me and him is that...i expected things to be better than this. better than calling each other and just unloading. just telling each other everything that bothers us, stresses us out. when was the last time we were happy? i can't remember. and maybe i've just been brought up to be that damn naive and romantic. but i remember when we used to make each other happy.
and hell, i know there are bigger problems. i'm being petty and self-centered. but, shit. i can't help what i feel.
Monday, October 24, 2005 // 01:34 a.m.
so in my rant of why i feel insecure, why i get worried about our relationship and its duration, why i don't know why but i get very very very paranoid that he will leave... he says he gets scared too, sometimes. he gets worried because he knows other guys like me, just like i know other girls like him. the difference is, he doesn't obsess about these things. he calls them "fleeting thoughts" that he is able to talk himself out of.
HUH! go figure. worries being fleeting thoughts.
Monday, October 17, 2005 // 01:43 a.m.
an oldie, but goodie:
and i never knew such a love
could be inside of one
and i never knew what my life was for
but now that you're here i know for sure
i was incomplete till the day you walked into my life
and i never knew that my heart could feel
so precious and pure
one love so real
can i just feel your heart beating beside me
every night
can we just feel this way together till the end of all time
can i just spend my life with you?
Saturday, October 8, 2005 // 10:24 p.m.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to tell my parents, Yes, he’s a good guy, very smart, very nice. You would think they would be more excited, but when I told my mom about Mike, all the parent-pleasing facts included (he’s a computer science major, he’s getting his Masters in a year, he’s an RA like me)—she gave me a sigh and responded, “Be careful.”
At first, I was taken aback. I wanted to protest and tell her that neither of us should be worried—this is it. He’s wonderful, we’re wonderful. We can’t be happier. Mama, we’re meant for each other. And I’m tired of being scared. Can’t I just love without inhibitions and let that be it?
But upon further analysis, I know she’s right. I know that, even if he’s “the one,” there will be much hurt in this relationship. There won’t be as much hurt as there has been in the past, hopefully, but feelings will be strained and stretched, lost and gained. I know this, because it’s only been two months and sometimes I feel like we should call it quits. And other times, when he talks about feeding ducks together when we’re old, or refers to “our kids” using that phrase exactly—I know we’re both in the same place.
And it’s scary. Because while all of this is happening, I don’t know when to trust my feelings. I don’t know when I’m being paranoid, or when I have a right to be jealous, or angry, or stressed out. I go back and forth between thinking I’m a great girlfriend to believing he’d find someone better and less moody to being convinced that I’m just on a leash, following him around. And on top of all this, his past haunts me every time we talk about it.
Relationships really mess with a person quite a bit. For me, it’s a blow or boost to my self-esteem, it’s a motivator and tool to procrastination, and takes up nearly 90% of my time not spent on class, work, or extracurriculars. If I’m not writing about it, I’m thinking about it, or I’m talking to him about it, and I’m afraid I’ve grown so dependent on him that I’ve forgotten all that great time spent with my friends, family, and self.
So I’ll be careful. There are many precious things in life, and while a relationship can be one of them, your well-being should come first.
Thursday, September 8, 2005 // 12:35 a.m.
i know this sounds crazy, but he makes me happy in a way i can't even describe.
today i was talking to him about doing teach for america, and he asked how much it pays, etc. i told him, and he said, "i guess i'll be paying all the bills. it's ok, i am planning to make a lot of money."
:D
and it wasn't the money talk. it's the future talk. it's everything he sneaks into our conversations about what the next few years look like. and the way he squeezes my hand when we are playing with a puppy or baby together.
and i know i'm crazy for thinking about this. i know it all sounds ridiculous, and immature, and totally the whole counting my chicks before the eggs hatch thing. i know it, but there is something about how i can be having an emotional breakdown, be in complete distress, and after talking to him it feels like a good day is just around the corner.
i know it's hard to trust this. i know it's hard to believe everything i'm hearing. but i am tired of feeling so insecure. and to be honest, this weekend changed so much. being together was unbelievable. it was like, there was nothing to be scared of anymore because we both know that this is near as good as it gets.
and i think we've gotten over the fear of it. i think we're seeing eye to eye on this. we just can't talk about it, for fear of jinxing ourselves.
Sunday, August 28, 2005 // 11:40 p.m.
every day i want to tell him i love him.
but every day i am also angry for inexplicable reasons. or afraid. or just really fucking insecure.
i hope this goes away soon.
Thursday, August 18, 2005 // 01:07 a.m.
so yeah, my mood swings have reached a phenomenal rate of going from crying on the phone to laughing in the car back to crying. it's ridiculous.
anyway, it's a little better. all my rezzies have moved in, and it's crazy to have residents again. i'm very happy about it...overall, it is exciting if only a little overwhelming.
today i asked him if it was ok that i call him my boyfriend, and he said that's what he's been referring to me as for the past week. car-azy. here is something good.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005 // 01:17 a.m.
today has been a tummyache day. it's also been a day of distrust, frustration, and wanting nothing more than...more than this.
i'm fucking tired.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005 // 06:25 a.m.
so i have about an hour until i have to wake up, but lord knows for the life of me i can't sleep.
it was a decision that we had coming.
for the sake of not having to explain, and for my own memory banks, he asked me what was wrong because he could hear it in his voice. and it all came spilling out; that if i was going to be in a relationship this year, i would need for it to be supportive. i would need him to be there for me, and i would want to share my days with him. he would need to be steadfast.
he told me that he couldn't be that for me. he said he could lie and say he would, but he'd end up hurting me anyway. then he talked about how he was a loner, a floater, and he wasn't here to be anyone's rock.
i guess he needed someone to be steadfast for him. but this year, i can't be a support system alone. i can't be the one pulling the weight of the relationship. it's too exhausting and consuming and eventually, it leaves you emotionally trampled. this year, i come first.
so i said, why fake it? he asked if we could wait until he came back to figure it out, but what can change in a week? i'm sorry. this has been me my whole life. i'm not looking for a fling. i have enough friends that will be good to me without making me feel insecure and inadequate. we'll be too busy to see each other, too busy to care, too busy to fight and break up anyway.
it was an honest decision, and a quick one. all in all, an overwhelmingly accurate description of our relationship.
Sunday, July 31, 2005 // 01:12 a.m.
i figure i've been putting up a lot of half-assed entries in my poor pita these past few months, and i feel like i should say something substantive. as substantive, that is, as it can get on an online journal.
this summer has been quite a stepping stone, particularly because it's been two and a half months, and i feel comparably different from how i felt when school ended and i moved out of marks tower. i was so sad to go, and listening to many songs made me cry a lot because they made me think of mike and all of those bad things. happily, things are in a much better place for me at this point.
this is the summer i think i realized that i've grown out of some things, including the things i once thought i loved. for example, my hometown. i do love it, still, but there is only so much that you can build up a place where it seems like everyone has coupled off and forgotten about you. ouch, that sounds bitter. but i think it's bigger than that. just, in general, i think i have been ready to move on for a long time. i still miss my family quite a bit, but, as they say in garden state: "It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place." yes. that is very close to how i feel.
and i think i'm at a place where i am starting to build on this idea of my own home, my own family, here in LA. i've gotten a chance to build a life of my own particularly this summer because all i really had was my work and my apartment. and people popped in and out and i met and dated new people, and it's all been such an incredible learning process. case in point, i know what it's like to just click with someone, and i know what relationships i have to work at. and i know how to fake it enough to do it, and i know when i am being stubborn enough to just walk away.
i have also been thinking about what's going to happen after graduation. at the end of last year, i was quite certain that i was going to go teach for TFA in new york or some amazing place on the east coast. but it all depends on where things go with musician guy, in case he wants to stay together for a long time. i certainly would like to stay with him for a while, and i know that he will want to stay in LA to continue recording and playing shows and doing that whole thing.
and i know i am definitely counting my chickens before they hatch, but i start thinking about if he'll be a good father, and if he can be a good father if he's on tour all of the time, and will we (our kids and me) go on tour with him? hahah. man girls are SO CRAZY. i'm sorry that i think about these things, i really am. don't worry, i will never bring it up to him, especially not in that panicky way that it just poured out of me right thurr.
all of the future is so funny and strange and hard to say what is up ahead. but i suppose that's what makes it exciting.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 // 11:57 p.m.
some advice for my male friends:
if you don't give your woman enough attention, you better believe that she's going to go out and look for some.
is a phonecall every once a while too much to ask for?
Sunday, July 24, 2005 // 04:51 p.m.
i can tell you how clouds so close
you can touch them
how they look better than the sweetest ice cream.
and how sections of land, different colors
and dimensions look so ridiculous
when you really just think about it.
but what's better,
i think i found a happy beginning.
and maybe not a great deal has changed,
but more and more
i become certain that my heart is in the right place.
things aren't perfect,
but after all,
i've always had a knack for the bittersweet.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 // 12:25 a.m.
i can't even believe how cute you are sometimes.
...and i know it's disgusting how loveydovey giddy i've become. please don't hate me. rather, be happy for me that i am starting to realize how good someone can be.
Monday, July 18, 2005 // 12:55 a.m.
he calls me honey, baby, and sweetie.
first dates can be tricky, but everything after that just seems to fall into place. :)
...ready to let go of the past.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005 // 01:56 a.m.
went on my first official official date since...oh, i don't know. a long time. maybe since college started. i'm talking everything, from the awkward phone invite to the rush to get ready and getting picked up at the door. and then, him opening the door, picking a restaurant, holding hands, kissing at the crosswalk.
it's just as i feared.
he's perfect.
Monday, June 27, 2005 // 09:36 a.m.
another drawback of seeing a musician: you can listen to his voice anytime you like, and it's always pretty sexy.
hm, drawback or advantage?
the problem with trying to move on with your life by moving onto someone else is you start to obsess over a brand new person whom you have even less contact with.
Saturday, June 25, 2005 // 10:50 p.m.
it's a peaceful, quiet sunday. good day for sitting on the balcony and playing guitar. my roommate is taking a nap, with a cute little grin on her face. i don't know why she's grinning, but i wonder if i get that goofy look on my face these days.
i woke up too many times to keep track of, and you were still next to me. and you held my hand. and your arm was numb but you insisted it was ok for me to stay right there. and though you said you were tired, you had just enough energy to kiss me. you and your mischievious grin.
i don't know if this is love, but right now, i don't know if that's what i'm looking for.
---
this was what my co-worker called my "man-packed weekend." thursday night i went out with bd, dinner and dessert--a friendly thing, but i always wonder if it will become anything more. then awkward movie with kaleb, with him trying to be far more intimate than i would allow him to. he's so pushy about the physical things, and we've barely been able to have a decent conversation.
at the party on friday, the host and i danced for hours, foreheads pressed against each other, singing into each others' ears. he kept telling me he was falling for me, but he could barely stand up. people watched and whispered, and asked me if he was my boyfriend. i shrugged.
the idea of dating another musician scares me. songs are like a form of revenge: i've heard his album, and i know the feeling--and it frightens me, because i don't want to become another aching song. like i said, it's too early to call it love or anything more than a louder chemistry. who knows if it's worth the trouble?
funny, the more dates i go on, the more i appreciate myself. i am picky, but deserve to be. i'm a catch, damn it. :)
Friday, June 10, 2005 // 11:58 p.m.
more and more, i picture myself far away, on the other side of this crazy country.
Friday, June 3, 2005 // 12:30 a.m.
i think about may 2002, when everything felt infinite
and i feel so completely complicated
because it fills me with hope for the future
but nostalgia for the past.
and everything
everything
just piles up until i'm not sure what to feel.
what i mean to say is
memories fade
feelings go away
but maybe it's the people who stay the same.
and as long as they're around
i don't have to be so scared of losing.
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 // 10:53 p.m.
i withdraw that last comment.
solely based on (1) a closer look and (2) communication through facebook messages.
i am shallow and i am ok with that. :p
Tuesday, May 31, 2005 // 03:52 a.m.
i have a thing for engineers. don't ask me why, because i'm not sure if i know myself. it's probably something that has to do with how i think in a completely different way from most science/engineering people. they are always so logical.
having said that, nothing attracts me more than socially competent engineers. and by socially competent, i mean confident, flirtatious, and incredibly funny. i don't even KNOW the guy.
ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be an interesting summer.
...and i have an itty bitty crush. :) on a resident. :O
Saturday, May 28, 2005 // 12:01 a.m.
i find myself giddy again. with a reason again.
and it's the funniest, most curious thing. because i always knew i still cared about you, but it didn't really resurface again until recently. how to describe it?
my voice gets soft when i talk to you. you're so confident with that faux strong, manly voice. it makes me laugh, because i remember the way you used to clear your voice before opening the door. every time. what for? you knew how crazy i was about you. that's what drove you away, i think.
it's silly, i know, because it was so many years ago. but i find myself thinking of you in that way again. and i'm sure it's unhealthy, but there is something about it. there is something about feeling like you are going to love me again. there is something about reliving a relationship that never got a chance to get better.
funny. people say that time changes everyone. i think we're more compatible now than we were before. because we're more experienced now, and i think, more appreciative of the kind of friendship we had. the kind of conversations--even arguments--we used to have.
but again, as in the past, i probably see it a different way than you do.
i am nervous and anxious and excited. and i don't want to tell you these things because it's silly and means nothing to you. so it's ok. i won't tell you these things, because you'll think it impractical and immature.
that's the thing about you. you always made me so senseless.
no matter. in a week, i will see you. and whatever happens, it will be nice to share things with you again and catch up and really feel like i'm a part of your life. i'm so glad we're back in each others' lives.
Saturday, May 14, 2005 // 01:49 a.m.
three years since my senior year of high school, with that amazing month of may that blissfully wrapped up four years.
two and a half years since i befriended the girls who have been there through my entire crazy college career.
two years since the end of my freshman year of college, a year that started off with me convinced i would never stay at usc and ended with me not knowing how fate ever led me to so much happiness.
one year since i started to fall in love with the one person whom i'd care about enough to finally get over the boy i thought i'd marry.
three months since i convinced myself that i needed to fall out of love with him.
one week since i let him back into my life as a friend, content with the conclusion that we would never be anything more again.
three days since i spoke to him and saw the way he looked at me, so different from how he used to--and realized that he really had moved on.
eleven hours since one of my best friends' graduation from usc.
three hours since another emotional breakdown.
two hours since ice cream and a long drive with aforementioned friends.
one hour since coming back from a drive by myself, finally ending with me realizing how lucky i am.
anyway, i am ok now. it's just been a long day and i feel overwhelmed by my own thoughts.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005 // 01:58 a.m.
there are plenty of good things in the world.
i was thinking today, maybe i have relationship OCD? quite possibly. is there such a thing?
i've been waiting so long for school to be over so i can think about everything else, so i can let all of my emotions out.
and when it came down to it, i realized that i really love my friends and residents and all these of these people i am lucky to have in my life. the bad emotions...they will fade, and i now have the willpower to push them away.
being appreciated is nice. :)
Sunday, May 8, 2005 // 01:41 p.m.
something that recently occurred to me is that you never did try. not even when things were good between us. you did things nice when i asked you to, you talked to me when i needed you. the few times you called, you missed me, but it was never just to say something good.
and me, always trying too hard, gave you all of me.
so it's better this way, i think. i am too careful, and you, too careless. i'm the type to plan, to do things to make you happy and remind you of me. you never had to do such things. you never had to be thoughtful because i always thought of you.
and maybe all women are like this--always the ones who put more in than they are given. and maybe we think we are giving when we are actually taking.
but you'll never know or understand my hurt. never completely.
so we'll never be together. even after our friendship mends, even if you make me laugh again the way you used to.
and it's a good thing, i think. i'm not being bitter, just honest. and we can be friends now.