but when i see you...
Thursday, June 5, 2003 // 09:26 p.m.
hmm...a LOT has happened today.
woke up this morning reluctantly, got up and went to swim at michelle's house. lots of fun, feelin' the burn. especially in the spa. heheh :D right after, i drove my grandpa to the doctor's, then to get a blood test, and then to buy medicine.
it's always a little weird to me when i take my grandpa on these little trips, because i want so much to be able to talk to him. but because of his hearing problems and my inability to speak chinese fluently, we are even more distant. i get a little ashamed sometimes, because i used to speak chinese so well, and i've lost the ability to. what i love about my grandpa though is that he is never disappointed in me, and he doesn't say things to make me feel bad about myself. and we don't have to talk all the time.
it was pretty cute too because when we were in the pharmacy, he looked up and down the aisles (it was like an asian walgreen's) and finally settled on two cans of pennywort drink. hehe. a dark green drink made of the pennywort plant. i know it sounds awful, but it's very popular for vietnamese folks. hehe :D when he bought them and handed one to me, it reminded me of when he walked me home every day after school and he'd give me money for the ice cream man. i don't think i even had to ask. i know, i'm just rambling...but once in a while i have to remind myself of what it was like being a little kid.
speaking of little kids, i went to camp orientation today. it was alright, although i noticed that my fellow camp aides were ranging anywhere from 14-18...i don't think there was anyone the same age as me. not that it matters so much, but i do feel a little over-qualified. but hey, maybe that's just my big fat ego talking. :) anyway, we'll see how things go...
what i did get at orientation was my schedule for the rest of the summer. and VERY LUCKILY they did not schedule me for the first week of camp--the week that thomas is going on his trip that he won!! so it turns out that i CAN go!! holy crap! finally a chance to travel! i feel like charlie from the chocolate factory. heheh. we leave on the 15th and return on the 22nd and will be visiting las vegas, los angeles (big whoop :P ), miami, new york, and another secret city. heheh. i'm pretty excited, but i don't think it's even sunk in yet. anyway, i will tell you guys all how it goes as it progresses, hopefully. and if you want a postcard, please send me your address. :)
on top of that good news, alda sent me a lyric book for third eye blind's new album, "out of the vein"...but it was more than just a book of lyrics! :) there were lots of pictures as our friendship progressed and a few pictures of martin as a kid (sooo cute, tubby! :D ) and it was really touching. though it makes me a little sad and scared because i get a little worried about what i'll do next year without her. sure, i'm qualified enough to be a good RA, but i do get scared once in a while because i depended on her so much this past year. and the rest of the girls, too. thursday night must-see-tv is not as exciting as it was when i watched with lindsay, mindy and beans in alda's room. but i'll try not to get too sentimental. after all, it's summer! and life is good. and there are still adventures to come.
miles run today+yesterday: 5.0
miles total: 21.0

hanging by a moment.
Thursday, June 5, 2003 // 12:04 a.m.
sometimes i think i'm the only one that's this crazy, neurotic, etc. but then i realize that almost all girls are like that and that's just scary. damn, yo.
as sj friends trickle back home and into my life again, time seems more valuable and i'm spending less time sitting around reading and desperately searching for a job. which is good but it leaves me feeling like...well, i don't know what i feel like, exactly. nothing seems complete right now. and that freaks me out. i'm a control freak sometimes, i'll admit it. (maybe more than sometimes... ;P) not to say i'm not easy going, but i usually like to have everything nice and planned out. and right now, it doesn't seem like anything is going as planned. and i wonder if things ever will go as planned, or if that's what i want...etc. i just don't want to end up regretting anything.
oh yeah, my brother won the trip. yaaaaaah hoorah. thanks for everyone that voted :) you can see his winning picture at this site. oh yah, i should mention that thomas's middle name is thomas, an is his first name. but since we were little he's always been thomas. same with doan. doan is pronounced "d-woan" but i always say "dwayne." anyway, the point is, congrats to thomas!
when i talk to people, they manage to convince me that i am somewhat sane, but as soon as i'm alone again or even when i am with somebody but they make me feel alone...i just feel crazy all over again. someone tell me this is normal?

sugar bob, funky bunch
Tuesday, June 3, 2003 // 01:56 a.m.
curses to ken for making me feel sad about prom. heh. it's ok. maybe we didn't do anything extravagant or get completely wasted after, but we had a DAMN good time. and besides, it's in the past. for some reason, high school feels far away. and i think i'd rather keep it that way...not really out of bitterness or regret, but the opposite of that. i think that if i think about high school too much, part of me will want to go back. but moving on is important. and there is nothing to regret anymore.
a new kind of boredom has settled in me. a bit of a need to be useful and productive but then at the same time frustration for not being able to get myself to do anything. is it summer? heh.
been working hard on staying active, though, and not letting the heat get the best of me and my laziness. yesterday i played ball with vy, and, yes, i will gloat--i kicked his ass. :D just kidding, vy (please don't hurt me). we celebrated with slurpees, and i felt like i was in middle school again. not quite with the shudder i would get when i think about middle school, but happy memories. the good stuff about morrill: band, meeting best friends and the beginning of the saga that is/was the A-quad gang and the MOP. haha. i try to block out the insecurities, backstabbings, heartbreakings, etc...and then it turns out it worked out for the best! hey! i think what i mean is...sometimes going through the bad stuff only makes you more grateful for the good things. don't think too deep into this, though. i know there are exceptions and loopholes. but you know, as an overall, nice, round theme. :D
speaking of nice and round,
miles run today: 4.0
miles total: 16
climbin' that ladder, baby. climbin' that ladder.

squishy!
Sunday, June 1, 2003 // 12:33 a.m.
finding nemo rocks. :) go see it. i hope you aren't terribly embarrassed because you cry in the first couple of minutes, like me. it was so sad...
wow officially june eh? just crazy. feels so summery but not quite because not a lot of people have been home. yesterday was nice though because rob and i had some sort of lunch :D and then kelly and i went to see finding nemo! :D it was supergood and really cute and i was more emotional than some of the kids but you know. it's that time. heh. i have a right to be a little moody sometimes, don't i?! don't i?!?!?!
anyway, good fun at the movies except there were some crazy parents around. man! i hope i am never that hot-tempered. it was just a little ridiculous how angry those parents got. besides all of that, it was nice seeing some people from high school and catching up a bit with noreen. i don't know, seeing people from indy is kind of one of those things where you have to prepare yourself for and pray and hope for the best. hehe. you know what i mean, don't play like you don't know. weird how far it all seems now.
today i sat around and read a book, started writing a novella, and wrote a song. yah. :) nerdily productive but it was fun :D in the evening i went over to my grandma's house to hang out with the chillens again...they're so cute. :) and it's fun when kids like you best! ok! time to go!
miles run (yesterday): 3.0
miles total: 12.0

b-e-a-utiful!
Thursday, May 29, 2003 // 09:26 p.m.
still can't sleep past 7am each morning, but today i did manage to take a nap. hung out with regina most of the day...dropped off the rest of my applications and interviewed briefly at in n out burger. also went to the library since gina and i are big fat nerds. bought shoes (buy one, get the second pair half off sale!) at vans skatepark after much deliberation. time to play with cat and my legs hurt. in a good way. :)
miles run today: 3.0 miles total: 9.0

voluminous hair! :D
Wednesday, May 28, 2003 // 10:08 p.m.
having shorter hair rocks 'cause it doesn't weigh itself down. i am pleasantly surprised. you've done it again, stephanie (of stephanie's hair care on king and berryessa)! :D
i like being on aim with screennames that nobody knows about because i feel all mysterious and i can watch everyone else. and i can read everyone's infos. hahah. so sad that this is what i do when i'm bored and antisocial. sucks man. the people i want to talk to don't have time for me. awh. wallowinginselfpity. alright, i'm over it. :p
that comment above wasn't meant to offend anybody, particularly people that are online all the time. :D you know. i'm in one of those moods that everyone gets into: wanting to talk to people but kind of too lazy to make an effort. i blame the heat. what is this? 84 degrees. can't handle it no mo'. heheh. i know. wah wah wah. (somebody call the wah-mbulance.) damn, i need to get some new jokes or something, this is the second time that i have consciously used the same joke that i've used at least two years ago. (refer to "happy mother's to to everyone...and their mother" joke.) !! dang. my sense of humor hasn't really evolved. it's ok. change is scary anyway. not bad, just scary.
this is what happens when i stay in my room and clean all day. strange thoughts.
miles run today: 3.0
total: 6.0

looking on the bright side
Tuesday, May 27, 2003 // 10:42 p.m.
today was fun and productive. damn, waking up at 7 does wonders for you. i baked up a storm, went to the post office, got my hair cut (i say a trim, she takes off 3 inches=she gets no tip) and turned in a few applications. i also picked up a couple of applications and got a bite to eat with sean. sweet!
if i work at marie callendar's or applebee's, which are kind of my top choices because i've always wanted to work at a sit-down restaurant, then i will probably not get paid as much as if i worked at in n' out. crazy, huh? but also, my old friend miyah, who played my mom in "once on this island" (ihs spring '99 musical), works there as the store trainer. so i think i have a good chance of getting a job there if i apply. so now i suppose it's just the waiting game. ah yes. the waiting game.
i decided today that i am going to make it a goal to run 100 miles this summer. the reason it is so little compared to the past is because i also want to play some ball this summer and maybe do a bit of swimming even. anyway, i will use pitaville as a running log too. yeah. YEAH! ok. time to get ready for bed. what a grandma. :p
miles run today: 3.0

bad dreams
Tuesday, May 27, 2003 // 08:59 a.m.
woke up at the crack of dawn (well, like 7am) because of a semi-bad dream. i lost my camera in the dream, and it took me a while to realize that it was just a dream, so i woke up all anxious to find my camera. and i did, so yay. there are some pictures on there that i wouldn't want to lose, is all. :p
the beach was fun, but tiring. oh but a good kind of tiring. :) ann and i decided that for our annual a-quad girls/tennis guys+friends beach trip this year, we should go to carmel. no long, scary, windy highway 17 to get there. sunset is still my favorite though. i think capitola is dirty but it has nice shops. anyway, we'll see...
on another note, this is what happens you leave your boyfriend alone for one weekend. :D you sho is crazy, baby. heheh.
gotta go. lots of errands to run. who knew summer would be so busy? :D

bamboooooola (it's fun to say!)
Sunday, May 25, 2003 // 10:16 p.m.
today i spent the entire day with the chillens.
now i understand why adults stress the importance of condom use and birth control.
i mean, i love the kids, but for that many hours...you have to compromise EVERYTHING for them. your freedom, your sanity, your arms (carrying little two-year olds is quite the workout!)...it's like being in a relationship times ten. hehe. well, maybe not the arms part. and not exactly the freedom, either. :p anyhow...
picked up applications for marie callendar's (they are hiring), borders, and the van's skatepark. the latter two were not sure about hiring people right now, so i don't know if i even have a chance. but tomorrow i am going to the beach with ann and her bro and a bunch of sjsu people, and THEN i will get a haircut and turn in the apps. goooooooooooooooooood shizzy. anybody know of any other places that are hiring?

home at last.
Sunday, May 25, 2003 // 08:20 a.m.
i'm heeeeeeeeeeeeere. love me, world!
san diego was great and the flight back was kind of cool. i hadn't been on a plane for 4 years now, so it was a bit of a rush flying again. and i was able to find my way around alright...it was a little scary going by myself, but now that i know i can do it, it's kind of fun. :)
we saw bruce almighty on friday night...it was one of those movies that you go into with mediocre expectations and it ends up blowing you away. i thought it was pretty funny, but it was kind of a tear-jerker too. and contrary to lindsay's expectations, it was not blasphemous or anything. if anything, i think it was meant to strengthen one's faith. anyway, a good romantic comedy that kind of makes you think.
it's weird to be finally settling in after more than a week of living in other people's space. it's nice to have my own room again with clothes on hangers and unlimited preptime, but it's also kind of lonely.
well, more reason to keep occupied this summer, i suppose. neither mission nor de anza offer the classes i want to take or at the right times, so i probably won't be able to do any spanish this summer. i'll ask my mom about chinese schools or tutors...and if that doesn't work out, maybe i'll just take up guitar lessons. anyway, gonna drive around and get applications from various places today, get a haircut, then go to my little cousin's birthday party at bamboooooooola. or something like that. can't remember what it's called, but it's like chuck e cheese i think. fun! :D kids are great.

sing this song for me; tell me how you'll never leave my side.
and i'll meet you around seven, and i miss you already, goodbye to you.
--the starting line: cheek to cheek

help a brotha out.
Thursday, May 22, 2003 // 07:14 p.m.
my brother, thomas, has been chosen as a grand prize finalist for t-mobile's "see send share" photo contest. the poor guy was speeding, and was pulled over by a cop on I-5. he had to go to jail, get inked for fingerprints, pay for a taxi, and then shell out 0 to get his car out of the impound place before having to go to court a few months later and getting another speeding ticket on the way to court. the good thing is he took a picture while sitting locked in the cop's car, and submitted it to this contest. anyway, please vote for him if you have the time. here are very easy-to-follow directions.

[1] go here
[2] vote randomly 1-5 on all pictures except: --- 1 (yawn!) for MONKEY --- 1 (yawn!) for WINDY DAY +++ 5 (wow!) for SPEED TICKET
[3] make up fake, funny email address (@yahoo, @hotmail, @msn, real domains)
IMPORTANT NOTE: Use !* FAKE *! email addresses for now, on May 31st, THEN use real ones.
[4] press [BACKSPACE] or [BACK] on your browser to get to the last page, enter a new email address, resubmit. this method of voting again with the same ballot is very fast.
[5] repeat step [4] until "YOU HAVE EXCEEDED THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF VOTES"
[6] close the browser
[7] repeat steps [1-6] :)

please do this if you have time. i mean, c'mon. you're probably just chatting on aim, procrastinating anyway. :D thank you!!

in the summertime...
Wednesday, May 21, 2003 // 05:33 p.m.
living out of a suitcase is as fun as it sounds.
after a lovely weekend in orange county (thank you dina!), i am now in sunny san diego with martin. it's been really nice so far...have visited and caught up with loi, jim, annie, and janet, so that's been really nice. :) on sunday, i had lunch/dinner with martin and his folks, which was not as scary as it may sound. they were really nice and pretty friendly...and martin said they liked me which is good. :) yeah, i'm pretty sure he is supposed to say that but i believe him. what's not to like?! :D i kid, i kid.
monday night i went to a radiohead listening party...where we got a grip of free stuff and heard some of the new songs from the upcoming album, "hail to the thief". :) how come ucsd does all this cool stuff? would give me an inferiority complex about usc if i didn't think the campus was so awesome. :p
yesterday we went to the beach, which was awesome--it is so different from the beaches up north--it's actually sunny and hot! :P a little bit of shell-collecting and then back for a nice long nap. :) ooh and we made brownies last night too. mmm. that's right! hot, fudgy brownies and vanilla ice cream. jealous...? ;)
i had originally planned to stay until today, but it looks like i will be staying possibly till friday or saturday...most likely saturday because that's when is most convenient to get a ride to the airport or greyhound station. no more train :( too many transfers. i'm trying to decide if i want to take the plane or not...it is more expensive but it will save me a lot of time...but it's more difficult to transport my guitar. baah. we'll see.
i love being here with martin and getting to know his friends and being able to visit friends from high school, but it sucks feeling like i'm stepping on people's toes all the time. i was welcome in the beginning but i'm starting to feel like an inconvenience. it's not that martin makes me feel that way at all, but i just don't want to overstay my welcome is all. well. i am getting used to it here and finding my way around a little. maybe next year, i will be a ucsd expert! :) most likely not. those talking/singing trees are a little scary.
tonight we are going to do laundry and i will have clothes to wear! this is a good thing. we're also planning to go to "the cliffs". don't know where it is, but i'm assuming it's nice. alright ya'll. if i don't get lost somewhere, i will see you san joseians on saturday. you best be ready!! :D just kidding. visit me please.

"for every memory there is a dream ahead."
Sunday, May 18, 2003 // 02:26 a.m.
well, it is officially over. alas, i will never be a freshman again.
thank goodness! :D it's over!! it's a little sad, but it's something i've half looked forward to and half wanted to avoid thinking about for the longest time. freshman year (in high school and college) can be such a difficult time, but i think it's also the one where you see the most change in yourself. i mean, it's an opportunity to redefine yourself and figure out what means something to you, what you want to get involved in and devote yourself to. cheesy, but it's true: it's all about rediscovering yourself.
and it was scary as hell. and it didn't really stop being scary. heh sorry to disappoint you freshmen-to-be, but every new thing you take on is gonna be a challenge. but it'll be fun, and it makes every day an adventure...a caper, if you will. ;D
this past week i spent a lot of time packing, working on alda's scrapbook, and hanging out with alda. the last few days were harder because i realized that time was running out...but i didn't really get too emotional because i was so focused on finishing the scrapbook and getting all my stuff packed and cleaned up. it wasn't until it was all done that the sadness sunk in...realizing that next year, there won't be an older person to trust in and go to for advice and comfort. and in that way, it'll never be the same again.
but it's not like it will be the last time i will see alda or lindsay or dina or mindy or the other frequents in my college life. and at the same time, i am looking forward to next year. it'll be cool to help kids in the same position i was in 8 months ago. it will be nice to have already established myself and to know people...and then get to meet more people and learn more...
like the beatles song, ob-la-di, ob-la-da, life goes on...and i'm grateful for it. i survived my first year--hell, i CONQUERED it, baby! heheh. i made some awesome friends, discovered a lot about myself and other people...hm...this gives me an idea...

timeline of amy's first year of college:
august: scared as hell. moved in. still scared as hell, but befriended dina and lindsay--they sho is good people! and i am so glad i've met them.
september: started going to VSA. pretty miserable despite some social integration.
october: went home and realized i better adjust because home isn't home anymore. changed major.
november: went to see rent and harry potter 2...changed major. went home for thanksgiving with thomas...home wasn't so foreign anymore. started being closer with alda and mindy. tried out for CASA play.
december: went to disneyland with the girls. finals. that really nice day that it rained really hard but everyone was running around and playing in the hallway. probably changed major again. one of the best christmases ever.
january: came back refreshed. became building government chair. started flirting with martin. ;)
february: rushed and got bid from zeta sigma phi, stayed for a millisecond. one of the greatest birthdays...maybe even the best. weekend with friends galore, then valentine's day weekend in san diego. month of continuous, nonstop, perpetual...etc. ...absolute happiness. so so so incredibly grateful for how things worked out. very convinced that everything happens for a reason.
march: CASA play. first dinner with brothers, friends, and boyfriend. awesome visit from doan. more happiness/giddiness. most likely changed major. lots of drama.
apri: stress! but still pretty good. alda's birthday bash(es) which were fun :) got the RA job! and soon following, the summer camp job!!
may: finals and lots of stress but big fat relief when done. last couple of weeks when alda showed her true colors to me :D weirdo. bittersweet though. lots of banquets and final dinners. realized how much i like the girls on the floor.

which brings us to now. overall, i think i've done pretty good. eh? eh? saaay it. *shakes fist* i'm still the same, but i know i'm different in some ways. and it's not a bad thing at all. i'm glad i'm different. i've done and experienced a lot of things i wouldn't have been open to just a year ago. which isn't bad...it's not that my morals have changed at all. i am just becoming more open-minded. :)
i've spent yesterday and today at dina's place...and am sleeping here tonight, too. it's been really fun so far, and then tomorrow around 11 we're going to san diego. then it will be a few days with martin and visiting the sd kids :) and then a long train-ride home. yay!! dina and her mom are awesome...and dina's friends are real fun too. it's nice to know there are good people in the world. and then i'll get to hang out with martin and his friends...also good people (well, cath is good people :D ) and of course my friends from the wood (aka san jose) so this is all very exciting. i am almost too giddy to sleep. but this entry has taken me an hour to write so i think it's time. :) i've said it before and i'll say it again: life is good. :D thanks to everyone that has made this year awesome.

did i err?
Tuesday, May 13, 2003 // 06:49 a.m.
d'oh! ain't it just my luck that i have finished my last paper and i don't have a single staple left in my stapler? hahahahahaha.

body=tired. mind=wide awake.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003 // 06:39 a.m.
the power of rockstar energy drinks never ceases to amaze me.
i just pulled my first official all-nighter, i think, just because last week i kind of slept for a couple of hours. this one was pure adrenaline baby. heheh. i'm not sure why i'm running on at this point, but i am waiting for lindsay and alda to get up so we can take lindsay to the airport. and then it will be just me, alda and lia left. just crazy.
papers are not so bad to write when you have the right motivation. hehe, vy, you were right! (no surprise there.) staying up all night to finish my paper just makes the end of the year all the more sweeter. yes, that's right. once this sucker is in, i am THROUGH. officially. wooh. tonight is just full of officials. or is that today? meh. sun is up. :p
alright. gotta get ready for one more day.

come on, let go of those applications...
Monday, May 12, 2003 // 06:43 p.m.
usc kids are so brilliant: last night, this kid on the sixth floor sprayed himself in the face with pepper spray to "see what it was like". all you could hear outside for a good ten minutes was laughing and one person crying/screaming. boy. just brilliant.
i had my english test today and turned in my paper...one more essay to do and that's due tomorrow at 1pm. i think i'll be ok, but the main dilemma of tonight will be wanting to spend time with lindsay before she leaves and making time to write too. but it's all over, almost. so close.
i feel kind of burnt out. but the light at the end of the tunnel is motivation in itself...
we helped anne move out today, and her and megan's room was the first room i've ever seen empty since the beginning of the schoolyear. kind of weird. i know i've been kind of touching on this subject in a lot of my entries lately, but each person that moves out is a constant reminder. i pack all my stuff tomorrow. more later. gotta eat dinner.

hey jude
Sunday, May 11, 2003 // 12:54 p.m.
been listening to a lot of the beatles and babyface lately. strange combination eh? it started with 'in my life' and 'when can i see you' and here i am. but i gotta get offline as soon as i'm done with this entry so i am not tempted to go online. got to discipline myself. because of my lack of motivation last week, i did really shitty on chem and i don't want that to happen in any of my other classes. i want to know that i at least tried.
yesterday we ran errands ALL day...which was tiring but not so horrible. actually, it was fun, but kind of sad because i knew it would be one of our last adventures together. heh. i mean i'm sure there will be a time when alda, lindsay and i will be in the car together again, but i dunno. it's still weird as the reality of leaving is starting to kick in.
at least this isn't as hard as senior year.
the evening was filled with paper-writing...YES i am done with my first two papers. two down, two to go. today is gonna be dedicated to my english paper and then studying for my final tomorrow. shit shit shit. i hope i do ok in that class. it's annoying because our prof really fishes for answers and doesn't leave a whole lot of room for outside opinions. that's not teaching, dude. teaching is a learning experience too, but if you're not open to other ideas, then what are you learning yourself? hard to become a better teacher that way. but i guess i can't really say considering i don't have the title of "doctor." meh. :P
i finished my second paper while waiting in the car as martin and alda brought down all alda's stuff from her room. now it is BARE. which is scary, because it could very well be my room next year. she is passing everything down to me--the couch, the big purple bin with all the plastic utensils and stuff, her keyholders and everything. we went to sleep around 5 and woke up at 10. needless to say, i am sipping on a latte. gotta stay awake.
brunch at evk with rob, nhon, lindsay, and anand. nice, but time is ticking fast. i hope that next year, i will still be able to meet with anand and nhon to have a meal occasionally. one thing that hasn't changed since the beginning of the year is the fact that they are both a little slice of home. and in that way, it is a comfort to be around them. because it seems as if they're the only part of home that doesn't feel like it's changed.
alright. time to get cracking. have a nice sunday, and happy mother's day to everyone...and their mother. yuk yuk yuk. two years in a row i've used that joke and it still cracks me up. :D ok ok enough. toodleoo! :)

your name resounding in my head.
Saturday, May 10, 2003 // 02:33 a.m.
daniel beddingfield: if you're not the one. <<--the jam. :)
tonight was fun...robby cole drove all the way from san jose to come visit. :D he is sleeping at nhon's right now, and we will probably do something tomorrow or at least hang out for a little bit. tonight we went out to the promenade in santa monica and wandered for a while...ate dinner at johnny rockets, where our waiter was a dude with a nametag that read, "huh" and called lindsay "sweetheart". heehee. :) he was fun. afterwards, we walked around and watched some of the street performers, including a dog/cat show! haha! i didn't know cats could do tricks, so i was pretty excited/amused. :) no money though. empty pockets but full stomach and also two new pairs of undies from victoria's secret! heheh. shopaholic? no. just a reward for being...uh, me. yukyukyuk.
been catching up on people's livejournals, xangas, and blogs. i am very happy for my brother niem, who seems to have found his dreamgirl. :) i used to have issues with my brothers having new girlfriends, and i guess in some cases, with thomas, i still do. but i like jennifer, niem's gf. i guess, with all my brothers and their girlfriends, it always kind of hurt me to see them fall in and out of love. it's not really a reality i want to believe in or deal with. i'd like to think there is one person you can be in love with, and that's it and it's meant to be. and you can find other people that you can really love but maybe the really lucky ones find the people they are meant to be with. i don't know. hopeless romantic, i know, but i guess part of it comes from this fear that you can feel such strong feelings more than once in your whole life. it's a little overwhelming. how can you trust yourself with someone else's heart? such a huge responsibility. one has to be careful.
at the same time, it's hard to believe in fate when i don't believe in a particular deity. and then we get into the whole free will vs. determinism thing and that's just a debate in itself. so i'm going to put this topic off for a while. for a while i was so sure that everything happens for a reason...and now i'm just a little less sure. but overall i am just overcome with joy for my brother. he is one of the lucky ones, i think.
the best is when someone who really, really deserves to be happy finally finds what he's been wishing for...and he is still so grateful for it and just becomes even more and more loving and generous.

good music
Friday, May 9, 2003 // 02:53 p.m.
randomly, songs i'd like to recommend:
phantom planet-so i fall again
phantom planet-somebody's baby
phantom planet-always on my mind
ben folds five-rockin the suburbs
[definitely fun nerd rock...reminiscent of weezer, nerfherder, and fountains of wayne.]
other feel-good music:
matchbook romance-ex marks the spot (not exactly happy, but still good)
audio karate-senior year (same comment as above)
dean martin-that's amore! (gotta have the C&O trattoria experience first)
my friend steve-charmed (the more i listen, the more i like it!)
50 cent-21 questions ('cause i love you like a fat kid loves cake, as they say. :D )
procrastination does this to you. it also does this to you. yeeks. :p they live 3 floors below us. super, huh?

that's amore!
Friday, May 9, 2003 // 12:01 p.m.
oh no...ratings...at...all time low. nobody...visits...anymore. energy...declining. oh. god.
it's true, i think i'm funny and then it turns out that i'm not but i still laugh at myself. hahahah :D anyway, i got nedstat back up and working and it says i've been getting like 2 visits per day! whatup with that yo?! could it be my use of the word "yo", which i discovered has appeared in the past few entries? hmm. i will try and cut down.
here's a fun quote: "lately i think i've been seeing jesus a lot...then i realize that it's just a guy with a beard." -my beloved friend dina
if that doesn't boost my ratings, i don't know what will!! :D

sucks to chem! (and your ass-mar)
Wednesday, May 7, 2003 // 05:55 p.m.
gotta read lord of the flies again this summer. i think i'd understand more.
so i'm down to my last week of my freshman year of college. some things i've concluded:
people can be educated and STILL be ignorant. it doesn't matter how many classes they take.
if you don't want it bad enough, you won't get it.
and some things that you never knew you wanted just might come and spark an interest.
it doesn't matter how old you get--cookies, ice cream, and chocolate will always be a possible solution to your problems. for reals, yo. especially if it's free.
you can't leave unattached to people. you just can't. you can swear that you will, but you'll get attached. to someone.

i will even miss chemistry. a little. in the sad, bitter way. i know i could've gotten a B or even an A if i really wanted it enough. but grades are just letters. just one class out of many.
i am homefree in less than a week. scary, isn't it?

kdfasm/xcvkjl;wer!
Tuesday, May 6, 2003 // 08:54 p.m.
i hate chemistry so much.
just thought i'd say that.
on the plus side, i got an A in my writing140 class! yes! the dreaded class that everyone says is impossible to get an A in. so muahahah. in yo face, everyone. heheheh. :p
argh. ok. wasting time. must get back to chem. the madness will be over in...13 hours. yes. so close.

ooga chaka
Monday, May 5, 2003 // 06:11 a.m.
problem: not enough time to study for chem test.
solution: pull an all-nighter.
new problem: not completely understanding what the hell i'm reading and getting distracted by strong bad emails.
progress made: 2 pages of notes. ahhh!
i had an enlightening conversation with niem last night. we got very excited about 'adaptation' together...which, i still stand by my opinion, is one of the greatest movies i've seen in a long time. i told him to buy it since he is such a dvd conosuier. hahah. that is completely butchered spelling but i'm not going to bother to correct it. you get what i mean.
iiiii'm hooked on a feeling!
beans is pulling an all-nighter too. it's nice to have someone else to stay up with. sad that it's all going to be over soon, but what a relief it will be to have finished this semester. i'm gonna get a crappy gpa, but it's a result of the conscious decision i made. my motivation just went to the shitter man. i am hoping that once i'm taking classes that i really want to be taking, it will be more interesting. :p lord knows nothing will change.
i want to write music and make movies. i want to spend my days cooking and doodling. and maybe write a book or two. is that so much to ask?

hmm...
Sunday, May 4, 2003 // 01:58 p.m.
there's a million other things that i can do, but i can't get these comments to work. whatsa mattah?

go!
Sunday, May 4, 2003 // 01:32 p.m.
another wonderful weekend. :) went to apass end-year banquet on friday plus went to see x2...then yesterday slept till 2 (or was it 3?), played with toya's dogs and napped, and had dinner at island's with martin right after getting a lovely phonecall from the gang (a-quad girls...love you guys.) and then a boba run in pasadena to come back and watch harry potter 2 and blue streak.
gotta study for chem...let's try this comments stuff one more time eh? :)