amy*s musings.
a visual.
thank you, pitas.
// heightened senses.
// orchid thief.
// tough like watermelon.
// amplified aching.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
a happy, sappy christmas. happy christmas. dashboard confessional: remember to breathe. always. blast from the past! it's not going to stop til you wise up. amplified heart.
man it is nice to be home. the last few days were hectic but wonderful. i am feeling good. time flies. fingers trace your every outline. are we ever gonna come back down? addicted to jason mraz. futures. scrabble madness. yippee, home! amy=big bitch. too intense. grumps. realizations. old school. false sense of accomplishment all this time, waiting. nice. the grass is always greener... don't it feel like sunshine after all? i always believed in futures. falling from a shorter distance. hope for better days ahead. too many frustrations. ben harper: walk away. : ) yeesh. some pieces of paper.
there is something to be said for going for a walk on a crisp autumn afternoon and getting the biggest ice cream cone possible, laughing uncontrollably and being messy without caring. dancing crazily to celebrate the leaves changing color, and filling the day with accidental naps. love you tons. love never really goes away.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 // 11:06 p.m.
this has probably been one of the best christmases yet. :) yesterday we opened our gifts and mine were a hit! heh. i also enjoyed the things i received as well--an ipod included! yippee! very exciting. my brother's going to help me redo my whole computer so i can get a new hard drive and probably windows xp so i can use itunes and all that. carazy. also, i finally got new speakers for my car, so now when you hear hardcore gangsta rap as a little corolla comes down the street, you'll know to look out for me. :D that's right; i put the rollll in corolla.
i've probably used that joke before but whatever. i get to repeat my own jokes because i still get a kick outta them. :)
after opening gifts, we stayed up late to play simpsons jeopardy and simpsons monopoly. this morning was rather good too--got a phonecall that woke me up a bit early but it was one of my favorite people in the whole world. :) then today i tried out one of the workout dvds i just got: kathy smith's kickboxing working. heh. i know it sounds dorky but it was actually pretty good. spent the rest of the day watching lord of the rings with my brothers and went to my grandma's house to play with all of our little kid cousins (no longer babies..:( ).
christmas always used to make me a little sad, and while i still get that feeling every once in a while, i gotta say that these last few days have been full of mostly good feeling. only time i cried today was because i was watching "the muppets' christmas carol" during that song that scrooge's ex-fiance sings to him as she breaks up with him. so sad. i know, i'm a big sap, but i simply can't help myself.
we sometimes forget how lucky we are, so i try to remind myself every once in a while.
merry christmas! with xoxo.
Friday, December 24, 2004 // 12:50 a.m.
watched "meet the fockers" today with some of the ol gang. then had ice cream and in n out. some things never change. :)
i am one big mood swing right now, so i hope i don't scare anybody. if you're an avid amyjournal reader, you know me by now.
i woke up this morning with a goal in mind: give myself a reason to wake up every single morning during this break. sometimes those reasons will have to do with other people, sometimes it will be because of something i want to do for myself.
so far, so good.
Thursday, December 23, 2004 // 01:59 a.m.
i just figured out what's made this break somewhat unhappy despite all the happy moments. i suppose i've been spoiled and am accustomed to spending my days with other people, and...well.
i want someone to spend my days with.
and it doesn't have to be a boyfriend or anything like that. i just want a friend that i can hang out with for days and days and never get tired of being around them, and well, vice versa for them of course. it just feels like everyone else does a much better job of being on their own, and i think i usually am better off by myself too, but without work to do and no good books to read...it's lonesomeville. heh. and niem has jen and mom has dad and...well jeez, even kiki has sasha.
this is a pathetic entry, but i am feeling emotional so i'm going to post it anyway.
i guess i am partially to blame because i am not the type to call every day and set something up, but i am not asking for everyday. i'm asking for an incentive to wake up in the morning.
of all the things kevin said to me last night, he told me that he wished that he could see me happier. and he says, "but that's not really something other people can help you with. it's something that you have to work on yourself."
am i really so unhappy? i have never thought so. but he thinks he knows me well, and he's always made me doubt myself. when i think about it, i suppose there are reasons why i have all of this stored up anger inside of me, and there are reasons why i can't stop crying sometimes. but i always thought it had to do with being a girl. heh. someone tell me what's wrong with me. kevin says it's my heart. i refuse to believe so.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 // 03:17 p.m.
as the week has become this kind of emotional trek back to high school, yesterday was no different. a day of monopoly at aakash's house (ah, good memories of kidnapping him for his bday :D) and a late dinner at the garret--the 4th year in a row that the '02 crew has done such a celebration :) fun times! seeing everyone from leadership class and all that crazy school-spirited stuff we used to do reminded me how much i miss them. much like the experience i had with the girls the other night, i noticed how everyone has stayed more or less the same, and it's kind of comforting. for the past couple of years in college, i guess i've always had this fear that people were going to change and we all would be incompatible as friends. but if anything, the growth we've had is something we can talk about. keeps us on the same ground, maybe.
the biggest surprise of the night came with a phonecall from old high school boyfriend. we have started talking again as of this semester, so it's interesting that we actually got to see each other last night after about three years. i haven't been to his house in close to four years, so it brought back a lot of memories as soon as i pulled up--from the way he always clears his throat before he opens the door to the neat stacks of paper he used to have piled up all over the floor of his room. i stayed till a little past three, but it was a very eye-opening conversation. he had me crying about ten minutes into the conversation, but that is because i am an emotional goob and actually, more memories of someone else came up than exboyfriend sitting in front of me. weird how one thing can trigger so many feelings and suddenly you find yourself remembering all the times you've been hurt. and i don't mean to say it in such a way that i feel sorry for myself, it's just...i guess for so long i kept all those feelings under wraps and when they become unearthed...oh. it was embarassing.
i don't harbor feelings for him anymore, or at least i don't think i do, and it was nice that we could joke around and know each other so intimately without having it be too weird. heh. when i think about it, and as much as i hate to admit it, he probably knows me just as much as he thinks he does. and on the other hand, i still feel like there is a wall between us. true, we tore a lot of those down last night, but he still doesn't understand me like he thinks he does. anyway, we're all about analyzing each other, and it's so strange we can predict what the next is going to say.
he told me that i had this capacity for joy that was very rare, but it was also what made me so damn vulnerable. i guess he is right in a lot of ways, but i just don't see how being able to find those simple happy things can be bad. i feel like it's made me a better person. yet i know what he means, as i've fallen for guy after guy that either only gets me on the surface or does not care for me the same way i do about him. i asked him, "haven't you ever been at the point where you're so in love with them that everything they do is amazing? to me, that is love." he answered, "yes, and i hate it." and he's right, in some ways, it distorts your reality. it makes you blind to every bad thing they do.
...so the saga and the search continue. :P more to come, going to play pool now. too much thinking can get you in trouble.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004 // 02:51 a.m.
today was mega high school. heh. it was a little strange, but good and comforting in some ways too. robby came over in the afternoon and kenneth and i drove him to the airport...and then ken and i went mini-golfing and got pearl tea (yes, boba is called pearl tea up in norcal :D ). it was fun, and last night hanging with the guys too was very reminiscent of those good times in physics. hehe. :) later, it was off to suz's house for some girl bonding. jesus it's been a really friggin long time. chatted for a while, went to get more pearl tea (shutup it's good) and played pool at edgie's. holy crap--it was so crazy as soon as we walked in, because it was like all the vietnamese gangsterwannabes there and a bunch of homies from high school. heh. including exboyfriend from 3rd grade...i know you're probably thinking that in 3rd grade, there is no friggin' way you could have a boyfriend, but here i am, living proof. haha. of course, at that age, being together meant spending hours and hours on the phone together and occasionally talking to each other in person. LAME. hahah :D awh, it's all love though. it's always nice to notice that the people you liked even back in 3rd grade are still pretty cute now. hee.
more importantly, it was really amazing to be with the girls again. i think i've forgotten key traits of each person, and how as we've grown older, these traits only become more distinct. when i think about it, it's all very strange that we've all known each other for more than ten years now. who knows where we'll be in another ten?
we had several conversations that gave me a lot of food for thought. i started thinking about what it would be like had i gone to ucsd, as was the runner up of choices i had. and just in general, started thinking about what our lives would all be like had we stayed clumped together. i guess a part of me is kind of sad about how things have turned out--not that i am not grateful, but there is really a very specific issue at hand: money. it's the same old issue, i know, but i started calculating in my head how much money my parents could have saved if i went to a public school. i started thinking about how my parents would probably be retired by now and how i wouldn't have this whole complex about coming off as a snooty private school LA person.
that and my other recent wondering about whether or not i'm learning to my fullest extent at usc started making me doubt myself. i know i work fairly hard, but towards what end? i don't know if i'm going to grad school, and teaching is looking like the most probable option--something i could have picked up in any other school for any smaller sum of money. i guess, in some way, you can justify these past couple of years as my path to realizing this, but i still can't help feeling incredibly guilty. one more thing to add to the counseling list--must talk about why i always feel so guilty about everything.
scary that i'm forming a list. eep.
Monday, December 20, 2004 // 02:21 a.m.
everything comes with its goods and bads.
nostalgia, for instance, can be healthy. looking through pictures and thinking about the so-called "good ole days" can remind you of some very good things. it can even be healthy, because you can look back and feel happy about your past. on the other hand, being overly nostalgic is borderline masochistic. which, i think, is where i stand.
even the things i feel like i've buried, the things i swore i got over and left behind...they get unearthed once in a while. not only that, but i tend to want the past back. a lot of people are like this, i'm sure, but sometimes i feel like a damned fool for thinking that it's possible to go back to those days.
anyway, as you can imagine, things at home are tricky. it's always difficult to patch up friendships, make things better, pick up where you left off. i'm starting to rethink a lot of things about usc and where i am now, and trying to figure out if i would take anything back. i don't know if i like who i am right now, and it's frustrating as hell because i feel so caught in limbo. a part of me wants to move forward, say screw everyone, and go with what i've got now. but the other part, the less jaded part clings to the past and wants nothing else but to retrace my steps, figure out where i screwed up. either way, i'm left with a bitter taste in my mouth.
one year after the most unstable semester of my college career thus far, i still have to ask myself if i'm better off...with all of the choices i have made, not just what you might consider the biggest. i don't know if i'm happier or smarter or a better person.
i know i take myself too seriously sometimes, so i hope you don't think i'm going through some kind of breakdown. sometimes i just like to think about where i'm heading next and if i'm ok with that.
Thursday, December 16, 2004 // 12:39 a.m.
home is:
...amazing food.
...TWO cats! come visit them.
...everything but the girl, u2, erasure--music introduced to me by my brothers.
...the mirror in my room that leans against the wall, making me look taller in my reflection.
...love from mom and dad.
...being comfortable wherever i go, however i'm dressed.
i started thinking about us differently the other day. i started to realize that i sometimes confuse the love i have for you as a friend as something more than that. and maybe that's what it all was earlier this year--just both of us searching for something better. it just makes a lot more sense, now, to be friends--just friends. we get along well and i love every minute i spend with you, and i love how we can talk for hours. perhaps things have worked out for the best after all, because why should we ruin a good thing by throwing in something as complicated as romance in there? it feels nice to come to this kind of pseudo-conclusion.
it's going to be a very practical christmas. i am asking for: double A batteries, an umbrella, new pillows (for sleeping), crest whitestrips, and a loofah. no kidding! my only possible splurge is an ipod, but i will try not to get my hopes up too much. :)
this break is going to be full of fun projects to do. i actually just made a to-do list...the most extensive and organized to-do list i've ever made. it's even color-coded. i'm kind of proud of it. hah, i know, it's just a list! :D but it is ridiculously structured, with 47 different points and details in parentheses. why am i such a nerd?!
anyway, i really think it's time for me to get to sleep so i can be productive tomorrow. :)
Sunday, December 12, 2004 // 11:07 p.m.
it's starting to scare me how quickly everything is going by. pretty soon it will be spring semester and...as much as i love spring semester, it's kind of scary.
i really love spending time with you.
Sunday, December 12, 2004 // 02:31 a.m.
even without disneyland, i would rate today a high 9. :) between the interesting conversation to start out my day to lunch with my residents, mystery-flavored ice cream and getting faint brown highlights in my hair (i like them, even if you can't see 'em ;) ), matt leinart winning the heisman and watching lord of the rings while getting a final done...
life is pretty damn good. :)
Sunday, December 5, 2004 // 03:20 a.m.
i am ridiculously alert for it being 3 o'clock in the morning. not quite sure what prompted me to make 28 paper angels for my residents, but two hours later, i have adorable ornaments that hold chocolates and read "good luck with finals! xoxo, amy." i am a regular martha stewart. :D
if only every task could be so simple. earlier tonight i kind of purposely turned what should have been a normal conversation into yet another time to scold a friend. well, more than a friend. i'm not sure. i'm tired of trying to figure out where i stand with you, but i can't tell you how disappointed i am with you and how hurt i get when you get to be that way. when you drink, i never know what the hell you're thinking or if you're actually drunk or...just all the complications that come with our relationship anyway just multiply in situations like this. but i know it was unfair of me to use someone else to make you feel guilty. we're both taking this too seriously, i think. sometimes i feel like we use it as a safety zone. we talk about her because it's the one thing we both know we care a lot about.
anyway, it's ridiculous, all of it. and i wish it didn't hurt so badly. because it's not even worth aching over. this should have been settled a long time ago, but we keep dragging it out as if the feelings will disappear in a couple of weeks. i know it sounds mean, but out of self-preservation, i'm just about ready to shut you out of my life.
also the other night, i ran into mr. point-of-information. though i knew i would, i still have to catch my breath a bit whenever i see you. it's very silly, but it's true; you always surprise me--whether it's because of the asshole things you do or because of your stupid charm or because i surprise myself with how giddy i get when i see you. it's awful and stupid and i've yet to learn my lesson. he asks why i've stopped calling him, etc. i tell him he hasn't had the best track record, and he answers with a cocky but affectionate, "we haven't had the worst track record though," with his breath too close to my ear for it to be an innocent comment. he then continues to ask if he can see master pea again sometime, maybe on weekends, as if master pea is our child on custody. hahah. this guy is so f-ing smooth!
it's the weirdest thing to have "pretend children" with two guys you've dated, got hurt by, dated again, and got crushed by a second time. what is my problem?! agh! i laugh at myself for it, but honestly it's kind of a weird issue. and it's disgusting that i still have feelings for both. heh. really really need to go to some kind of counseling for this.
then again, the whole thing is a bit laughable. and i think it's something we can relate to on some remote basis. last night, during save tommy night, nhon asked me the dreaded question, "how's your lovelife going?" and i told him the half-truth: that nobody in particular had interested me recently, and those that have been interesting are by no means interested in me. that pretty much is the truth, but it felt like a lie anyway. we then started to talk about how scary dating is, and how he hasn't had to worry about that for the past 4 years or whatever since he's been with jen all this time. unbelievable. and here i am, swimming with the sharks.
what's even scarier is that...well, hell. let's not lie to ourselves. dating is only going to get harder when we get out of school and don't have things like classes, sports, clubs, work-study jobs to help us meet people.
...help!
on a completely unrelated topic, usc won the football game against ucla today, which means we're going to the orange bowl! kind of expected, so it feels a bit anti-climatic, but still cool. it's neat to feel like you're apart of this history, and to be here for the glory days of usc.
the scary thing about having glory days is that one of these days, it's going to go back to normal or into a slow decline.
Wednesday, December 1, 2004 // 12:21 a.m.
jason mraz has an absolutely beautiful singing voice. don't believe me, ask the dishes! (beauty and the beast reference. if you don't know, now you know.:D )
anyway, ever since i went home i've been in the most spectacular mood. not always a talkative mood, but a content, contemplative mood. i feel like i've gotten a chance to recharge my batteries and get back into the swing of things...even though at this point things are pretty chill. it's really great to know that i've spent all of this semester really hauling ass and still coming out in pretty good shape. minus going crazy here and there, feeling grumpy somewhat often as of late...i realize a lot of it is just a lot of the stress.
so the bottom line: i am happy. with my friends (san jo and sc), with my life, with where things are headed. :)
hm. interestingly enough, as i've been gaining weight as of late, my boobs have gotten bigger. so more chubs=bigger wannabe boobs. worth the tradeoff? you tell me. :p
i'm so excited about these next couple of weeks. finals, yes, but also things like disneyland and christmas cards and being absolutely in love with winter. i will get a chance to write and sing and begin the recording process, as well as another process that i can't talk about until it is official. :D exciting!
i've already started getting excited about next semester, too. i think about how awesome spring semester was last year (except that lindsaypoo was absent) and i can't wait for all of that again. warm days, flowers friggin' everywhere, and laying in the grass reading.
Monday, November 29, 2004 // 02:46 p.m.
thanks thanks thanks for a lovely weekend. :) it was just what i needed.
Saturday, November 27, 2004 // 04:09 a.m.
here you go, you filthy animals. :D what i've been working on since 1 this morning.
good day at home. turkey ball (second annual bball tourney) resulted in a win for socal :) woo woo. really good to see everybody and play again. lunch with sonny, discussed why we are the perfect mates and yet nobody is smart enough to date us. haha. then came back and watched "torn curtain" for my hitchcock class with robby, had a nice long talk with him...then dinner with the family and "family plot", another hitch movie. since then i've been playing games with my brothers and uploading pictures from my camera and resizing/renaming them. what a friday night! :)
Thursday, November 25, 2004 // 03:23 p.m.
happy thanksgiving :) home now. slept till noon, woke up to watch "a very queer eye thanksgiving." harhar :) laundry, playing with computer, listening to erasure.
i like when the house is full and it's warm and sweet-smelling.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004 // 02:11 a.m.
so part of me feels bad that my residents have seen me launch into full bitch mode as of late, but at the same time, i feel like they deserve it.
and it's not even the big things like drinking or partying. it's just volume. and you'd be surprised how many times i try to tell them nicely, or how many times i've asked them particularly in the past couple of weeks. i'm sorry if you hate me now that i've embarrassed you in front of your stupid guy friends, but i don't give a damn. (well, obviously i care a little if i'm angry enough to write this, but...) the point is, i'm getting too old for this shit. how is it that this floor has been so much better about some of the other things that last year's floor was not so good with, yet at the same time be pissing me off this badly?
i guess it's a combination of being burnt out and expecting the same from other people. like maybe i'm especially conscious of quiet hours. i don't know. it just makes me really angry because it's disrespectful, and i know that if i write them up, it doesn't really do a whole lot. it's just one of those things i would expect people to do out of courtesy. god.
anyway, i know exactly the reason why i've been such a bitch lately, but that's not the only reason. there is something wrong with me that i can't seem to dig up. and i can vent all i want, but i'm still not happy about something. and i wish i could find the source of it. it would account for the yelling on saturday, along with other things...my general frustration with all things as of late.
:( i don't want to be bitter and alone.
probably one of the crappiest feelings you can ever have is when you leave someone and are sure you can get someone better, and then you wait for all the fish to come a-bitin and they never do...and you realize that maybe that's the best you're ever going to have.
Sunday, November 21, 2004 // 03:38 a.m.
telling other people that you've accepted the fact that you're a bitch is one thing--easy, comes off as a joke. but telling yourself is quite another.
Saturday, November 20, 2004 // 01:38 a.m.
this is a ventfest, i'll say it straight out.
first of all, i definitely have concluded that people are annoying. most of the time. and no kidding, i'm extroverted and i like people and i usually get my energy from being around people. but if you are a jerk to me or try to use me or whatever...don't expect me to do any favors for you or be nice to you. agh.
anyway, i'll try to be civil. i know my ways of dealing with anger or things like that can be different from others, and i will allow for those kinds of differences. it's not my place to say how you should live your life.
i've also concluded that my ongoing bitterness about guys can be metaphorically summed up in my experience with learning how to ride a bike. every guy i've ever dated has promised, as some kind of romantic notion, to teach me how to ride a bike. and do i know how to ride a bike? no. because you (plural) never taught me how. is it so bad to ask you to follow through on this one thing you said you'd do? so don't promise things to me, and don't lead me on to believe that you care enough to teach me how to do something when you don't even have the goddamned time.
similarly, when i was watching bridget jones' diary (2) tonight, a scene caused me to recall what it was like to want someone to fight for you and they simply cannot muster enough up to actually do it, putting your faith entirely into another person's hands and hoping that he will do something about it. and there just isn't enough there to keep it together.
but the good news is, i did not bawl or get embarrassingly weepy. i just sniffled a little and got over it. like i said in the past post, there are far greater tragedies in the world than unrequited love.
i'm not sure why i suddenly have turned so bitter, but i don't particularly like it.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004 // 11:59 p.m.
things i've learned recently:
-when you're old and have spent your entire life being polite to people, you can finally stop. and it will be GRAND.
-i'm a lush. particularly when i'm tipsy. being affectionate is part of my nature!
-i haven't decided what i want yet, but in the mean time, i guess there is no use in making you feel bad about it. so, let's be friends. i'm tired of avoiding you. it's awkward and hurtful.
-i need people like vy around all the time to slap some sense into me.
-you can save yourself a lot of time, trouble, and tears if you just let things go.
-there are far greater tragedies in the world than unrequited love.
so in the end, i realize i was being melodramatic and i'm too old for that. i'll try to be better next time i am tempted as such.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 // 12:51 a.m.
so i've started listening to cds from high school again and it's kind of nice. at one point, jeff made me a cd and it's rather cute. if i hadn't already dated his brother, i might think about dating him! hahaha. totally joking. kind of. :P
alright, so aside from being totally inappropriate all the time (semi-hit on a resident today) i've been sort of distressed about things. it's like that time of the month, but it's not. i miss talking to ___licious a lot and while watching love actually today (why do i subject myself to that kind of torture?) i started crying really hard at the part where the keira knightly finds out that her husband's best friend had loved her all that time. ah, how it sucks to be second in line. anyway, i want to still be friends, but i know that it's too soon to pretend that i'm over you.
actually, what sparked it all was a conversation with a co-worker in apo today. she was telling me how mr. point of information was such a charmer, ladies' man, etc. and i couldn't help but think "he's such a dick!" in my head over and over. and i really tried to use discretion about how i felt about him, but i think i alluded to it enough that i probably offended her in some way. but it makes me so bad that this asshole can just charm the pants out of nearly every girl he meets. it pisses me off that he did it to me, and that he will continue doing it until he is nothing more than a walking std on viagra. AGH.
told you i've been totally inappropriate today.
the other part of it is, she mentioned you, and i felt bad about it because it's so obvious that you are a good person and everyone likes you. and it just makes me wonder. if it's so obvious, why am i still mad at you? i want to talk to you so badly and share my days with you like i'm used to, but right now i can't let myself. the emotions are still too raw. i don't like that we have to avoid each other all the time, but the chances for a middle ground are very slim. even when we just try to be friends, it's awkward...and when we flirt, it makes us feel guilty.
overall, it's hard for me to talk about APO with this co-worker because there are a couple of clandestine relationships (or whatever you want to call it) and harbored feelings that have come out of it.
what i need is a sign that says "don't talk to me." haha. if only.
Sunday, November 14, 2004 // 03:37 p.m.
ok, so i know this sounds crazy, but i almost wish things were back to how they were before naascon was over. there were so many things to do and i have no idea what to do with myself right now. not that there isn't tons of homework to do and things of the sort, but i am restless as heck and can't remember the last weekend i had where i got to spend a day just hanging out in my room. i've honestly looked through my planner and the last time i was able to do this was august 15th. nearly 3 months ago. no wonder i am going CRAZY and don't know what to do with myself.
i always complain about these "obligatory weekends" but now that i have a free day, there just seems to be too much time floating around. rar.
not much else is new. :| maybe i should just go dye my hair.
Saturday, November 13, 2004 // 01:15 a.m.
i really do wish i could put it into better words.
i keep getting so angry with you, and i don't even know if i got everything out that i needed to. but i feel so bad for telling you everything--it makes you feel so guilty and i don't know if that's what i want to do. i just want to make you understand, because i don't think you do. i don't think you know what it means to be there with you and not be able to look you in the eye because we both know what's there.
and a part of me really hates you for it. really, i do. i really can't stand you.
but i can't tell it to your face because i know how much it would hurt you, and i know my knees would buckle at the sight of that look you give when you are sad or frustrated.
and i don't like that this new me hates. hate eats you up from the inside and gives you reason to be so angry all the time. i don't want to be angry all the time. i just want you to tell me why at one point i was enough and then suddenly i couldn't be enough. i want you to give me some asshole answer, that's ok. tell me it's the sex. tell me something really shallow so i can feel better about not being able to be with someone who makes me so happy.
Friday, November 12, 2004 // 01:45 a.m.
good night tonight. the incredibles was good, but i felt like it was another shrek2 in that people hyped it up so much for me that i was expecting a masterpiece. i was impressed, but i don't know. maybe i just need for it to grow on me. minz and lindsay liked it, though :)
continued the night with poker night, fun times but had to get back to let mikey the doggy out. :) so we headed back here and guess who calls? :) ooh. what an exciting phonecall.
hung out at the delt house for a bit, saw mr. "you should get a drink" and got hopes up. don't know where that's headed, but i don't think it's necessarily headed in a bad direction. :)
got a little bit of love, lost a little bit of love tonight. i don't mean to hurt you, but i can't deal with these things between us right now. you need to work things out for yourself before you decide what it is you want from me.
this horse has been dead for a long time
but somehow you still believe.
and i'm sorry, yes i'm sorry
but it's too late to change my mind
the ending credits are rolling on the screen.
ken oak: ending credits.
Thursday, November 11, 2004 // 01:21 a.m.
the bad thing about suddenly having all this time on your hands: you start formulating ideas about having relationships with so-and-so and what's his face. and all of a sudden you have a world of imaginary possiblities.
i ought to get a puppy or something. hee.
Tuesday, November 9, 2004 // 10:49 p.m.
not much time to write, but just wanted to say that things are good right now. real good. :)
thanks to everyone who has made it so.
Tuesday, November 2, 2004 // 10:39 p.m.
ok, so i do understand the polarity of everything i posted not more than a few hours ago. and i feel a little better. still bitter, but better.
walking around on rounds tonight, and seeing all of the tv screens focused on the election reminded me that there are bigger things out there. so much bigger than me, than all of us. the outcome still looks a bit shaky from here, but i refuse to give up hope for kerry. we'll see what happens, but either way...i am proud of the fact that this country finally collectively gave a damn about something.
my horoscope has been eerily correct the last few times i've checked it, and today was no exception:
the quickie: Put your feelings in perspective. Will you really care about this in a month?
my answer: probably not. i am living completely moment by moment right now, and it's probably not really a good thing.
the overview: Talk about enthusiastic! You'll be having a wonderful time, no matter where you are -- as will everyone who has the honor and pleasure of your company. Step on into the spotlight. You've earned it.
naascon is the spotlight, i think. and we're soooo close to the end i can taste it. :)
the breakdown: Everyone has needs and you're no exception. Sometimes you forget about what makes you tick when you need reminding most. You turn to loved ones for some help and guidance, which makes terrific sense. Maybe it makes more sense to look at your actions through the eyes of an outsider. Any problems should be immediately obvious. How much caffeine and sugar are currently in your diet, and how are they affecting your reality? Subtract ingredients for a more even mix.
SO accurate. i've been needing outsiders' opinions a lot more than usual as of late, sometimes even turning to people i never thought i'd be close to. i've also been really addicted to caffeine and candy lately...anything to keep me awake and going. it's really awful, and i know it, but i'm becoming dependent.
anyway, overall, i know in a couple of weeks i'll be better, and in a month or so, all i'll have to worry about are finals. and the way they're looking, that won't be a lot to worry about at all. :)
Tuesday, November 2, 2004 // 08:11 p.m.
so vy, the forever optimist, says that this is a good thing for me, because i know i can fall and get back up again.
but you couldn't have come at a worse time. so tired of getting hurt by you. and it makes my stomach churn just knowing...
so here's your convenience. you want to forget about me? here's your chance.
Sunday, October 31, 2004 // 11:51 p.m.
man oh man. today was absolutely crazy. admissions breakfast with mostly very elitist, private school, special-invitiation kids. a few good ones, but i had the pleasure of sitting with a group of bad eggs from crapa-dena (pasadena). heh. for lack of better words.
then haunted house decorating...and when i came back from that, things are a bit of a blur. i recall suddenly flipping out about something about naascon, and calling a board member to settle it, and completely losing it and just crying and screaming all at the same time. god. i haven't yelled like that in probably a few years or so. haven't cried like that in a while either. jesus. i am so frigging unstable right now.
slammed doors, scared residents. broke down for about an hour. put myself back together and went for a drive. bought a happy meal. came back and gave candy to little kids that came by the building to trick or treat.
all cried out.
i am really tired of this all. i am tired of feeling like i have the deal with everyone else's fuckups (regarding naascon), and at the same time, not dealing with the problems of people i actually care about.
i've always been too busy to keep most friendships alive, and while i realize that that is pathetic, i also consider myself very lucky for the friends that have hung in there and have helped me through everything. thank you for standing by me and rescuing me from potentially miserable days. for understanding and not making me feel like i am a failure.
i spent so much of high school trying to be popular and perfect. in many ways, i missed what really mattered because of this.
i can't make the same mistakes.
Sunday, October 31, 2004 // 01:51 a.m.
ok ok so it seems that everytime i write in here, it is just venting. but i am telling you this for the sake of you and the sake of my sanity:
november be a lot less stressful and crazy than october. AGH. one more week or so of dealing with pompous, powerhungry assholes. and you know, i love naascon and all and i am glad that i've been doing it, but god. there are just some people that i will be glad to say good riddance to! ugh. i don't often wish bad things on people but i'll make an exception here.
...in the process of calming down.
and by the way, i'm tired of feeling guilty. so i'm not going to anymore.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004 // 12:32 a.m.
the closer i get to naascon, the happier i am that it will all be over.
still, it can be overwhelming and extremely frustrating. today was one of those days that just took too much out of me, and i am stretched to my fullest extent. there are times when i wonder how often i'm pretending to myself that things are alright, but when it comes down to it, i think i really am ok with how things are.
what's gotten me down as of late is feeling like i am not doing a good job of it all. jeff gave me a long lecture today about how leaders inspire others to do more, and insinuated that i was not doing as much, that i was not inspiring anyone. it really sucks to hear something like that, especially because a lot of the things i do, i try to do it in a way that i can give back. i have made a lot of shitty mistakes and done a lot of really horrible things to people, and sometimes all i can do is hope that what i'm doing right now can help others breathe a little easier. and sure, a lot of it is benefical to myself, too, so i won't deny that. but...agh. i just don't know.
i feel so torn between doing what's expected of me and doing what i feel is right for me sometimes. and i get so worried because of something i remember martin saying, about how he was afraid that i was doing things just to impress other people. and there are times when i'm not sure if that's why i do it.
i can't believe it's been almost a year and every time i get close to starting something new, i have to run away from it. or something happens so that it doesn't work out. and i feel so fucking vulnerable and defensive all at the same time. i meet somebody, and they only remind me of martin or what we had, and it's so dumb--i know it is--but i just get so mad at myself for letting it all go. and i know in the end it was the right thing, but so easily, i guess, you can feed on that love. and when it disappears, you are left somewhat stronger and at the same time weaker than before.
i don't know if anything i'm saying makes sense, but i guess the sum of it all is...i've been really frickin vulnerable lately and it seems to bring scars out into the open.
i miss ann, and i miss martin, and i miss simpler days.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004 // 02:09 a.m.
curses to you and your stupid wit. :P
i always fall for the guys who are too charming for their own good.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004 // 10:46 p.m.
big midterm tomorrow, but i'm kind of looking forward to it. anyway, i have the next three hours, more or less, to study for it. i think that's a pretty good chunk of time.
so i totally believe in the power of negativity and how it can just CONSUME people. it pisses me off, kind of, but i know that's just an after-effect of just coming from a meeting in which there were a couple of people that just made the meeting a big fat whinefest. three words: SUCK IT UP. god. a little bit of bad news isn't the end of the world, especially when you know you're slacking off with your job anyway. so when it asks a little more out of you, ok, maybe that sucks a little, but maybe that's also why you get paid for it. and i understand if once in a while it's a bad day and you can't help but let bad feelings leak out. but don't whine about it just to make a point or to make yourself seem so frickin important.
AAARGH.
besides that, things have been just swell. :) not perfect, but you know what? i'm content. and that's good enough for me.
Monday, October 11, 2004 // 01:43 a.m.
so i've committed the mortal sin of looking through my high school yearbook from senior year. it started out as me just doing "research" to find something to work with for my leadership class application (they ask things like, what is the greatest compliment you've ever been paid?) and it turned into a whole nostalgia-fest. as if i don't do this on my own enough.
anyway, all the memories of how terrifying college would be are all coming back. and when i think about it, it is pretty damn scary even now. but it's impossible to stop time...and i guess all you can do is live well and love the people that drift into and out of your life.
i wish i could put into words the immense gratitude i have for the experiences i've had and the people who've left impressions on my little version of the world.
Sunday, October 10, 2004 // 11:06 p.m.
