maroon 5: harder to breathe.
Saturday, November 29, 2003 // 04:40 p.m.
home, but my mind still isn't at rest. i'm so fucking angry at you. so tired of being patient. i'm scared you'll be the end of me.
i just want it all to end. i'll admit that i'm emotionally unstable these days and at the same time, drained of everything. yesterday was the first time in a while that i felt like myself, and as good as it felt, it never lasts long.
if this is what you want, then stop prolonging the hurt. every little thing you do or don't do even when i ask you to just breaks me. i can't tell if you're being sincere anymore or you are just guilty. and i would tell this all to your face if you would just give me the chance.

mariah carey: all i want for christmas is you.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003 // 12:03 a.m.
what used to make me feel whole only disappoints me now.
i am rockin' the term paper world man. two papers in one weekend? damn i'm good.
so excited about going to bed before 2. g'nite!

caffeine rocks!
Sunday, November 23, 2003 // 12:47 a.m.
happy, happy caffeine. and hoorah for doubleshots. it's time to finish my term paper, baby.
kicked ucla's ass today. moohahaha. in your face, jerkface bruins! heheh. :) awh. still much love for you guys. besides, we're going to the sugar bowl. ;)
strangely enough, after booing ucla like crazy today, i went to westwood tonight to celebrate my bruin brother's birthday. :) happy 24th birthday to my dearest brother thomas. love you, thomasina.
now that i've had my moment, i'm going to return to writing. hope you're having a good time doing what you do. and here, some songs to put on your winter playlist:
rent: seasons of love.
anastasia soundtrack: at the beginning and journey to the past.
matchbox20: bright lights.
trapt: echo.
little mermaid soundtrack: part of your world. :D (whaddya call 'em? oh, feet.) hahaha.

and i knew that you meant it.
Wednesday, November 19, 2003 // 03:02 p.m.
in my pathetic sentimental journey (mostly caused by procrastination), i thought i'd dig up what i was doing around this time two years ago. damn. i rocked the kasbah in high school man. or should i say...high school rocked the kasbah, period. i'm aware that the first statement makes me look like a conceited jerk, but heck! it's true! hahaha. :D
not that i don't love college, but i read those entries again and i think...hot damn! how did i do it and love it all so much? maybe i need more of that now. i don't know. more love, less of this...other stuff.
in the mean time, big stuff coming up: tomorrow is packed. i have my tour guide interview, as well as a floor dinner with our faculty fellow, yearbook pictures for ufs, and a bio project to work on. bigger things: ucla game this saturday, plus thomas' birthday on sunday, michelle branch concert on the 24th (so excited!), and HOME on thursday. very much looking forward to going home and seeing the people i love most again. then a couple of weeks of school, finals, and then xmas break. unbelievable. can't belive it's all going to fit in less than a month.
hope this week is treating you well.

josh kelley: amazing.
Sunday, November 16, 2003 // 10:24 a.m.
it feels amazing to sleep in after a very long week.
i'm switching majors. well, not completely. career goals. that's it. no more optometry. i just don't think it's worth it for me to keep going through all the pre-med classes when i'm so much better at a lot of other things. there are so many other options out there. i put in the honest effort, and i haven't really gotten anything out of it--so maybe it's not meant for me. plus, it's not something i've longed for my whole life. and while i liked the prospect of it, i think i like everything and can do it if i want to. but there's no point in forcing myself to do it if i don't have any love for it.
ah, yes. "jack of all trades, master of none." (quote from a friend's dad. :D ) someday i'll be passionate about something and mean it.
i've also learned not to expect so much. movie moments are nice, but it's not gonna happen, sista! heh. life has its perks elsewhere. plus, maybe if i do this, i won't cry during movies anymore.
two papers to write and a couple of books to read. i gotta go! have a wonderful sunday. :)

nsync: i thought she knew.
Sunday, November 9, 2003 // 03:05 p.m.
this weekend was pretty cool beans. it started out...hm, not so hot i guess. i didn't do too well on my bio test...not even 10 points better than my first exam, so i've got a pretty solid c going into the final. so i'm a little stressed and wondering if this is right for me. i mean, these are not even the superdifficult weeding-out courses. why do i suck at bio? ...if anybody would like to tutor me, i would appreciate it.
friday night we went out to long beach (saw michelle my darling...nubs) to see "love actually". :) very cute movie, but i bawled like a baby. even got into the really ugly, unable-to-breathe kind of sobs. i think i'm just really cheesy and romantic, and when i see something happen on the big screen, all i want is that to happen to me just once. don't get me wrong, i love martin and he can be pretty romantic, but i think i just miss the honeymoon stage we started out in. sometimes i wish for those days back. if anybody asks, he tricked me into falling for him. ;)
life certainly surprises you sometimes. i love when you hit that pivotal moment of knowing that you have just gotten closer to somebody. it doesn't come that often, but when it does and you are conscious of it, it's pretty cool.
circle retreat this weekend was awesome. even better than last year's, i think, because we really got a chance to get to know everybody since it was a smaller group. much love and respect to linda from ucla, my bunk buddy :D hahah. sounds so wrong. but yeah, lots of fun, i got emotional during our cultural values workshop again but it was like...nice because i knew this time that i have taken steps to doing something about it. i'm glad and proud of myself. i'm also proud of the younger leadership that stepped up during the retreat. haha. younger as in freshmen, i guess. but yeah. fun times, and i think we gained a lot from it. it's awesome to see other people experience it for their first time.
my wisdom tooth is coming in. :( it's making my gums all raw and it hurts like a mofo. can't even eat! oh well. i'm gonna go and buy some ensure tonight. hehe. and tomorrow i'll call the usc dental office or something. gotta get this thing out before it starts bleeding or something.
alright, mad work to do so i better get on that. good luck kiddies! lots of love.

3 doors down: here without you.
Wednesday, November 5, 2003 // 12:26 p.m.
just when i am missing home, niem's dance moves are enough to make it ok again. hehe. check out tinman dance #3. i taught him that one. ;D
lunch with anand today. i'm excited. we haven't talked since august or something. hahah. since the night of "where's murphy??!?" or some guy anand swore he knew and was supposed to meet at zbt. friggin hilarious.
suddenly very aware of how distant i am from everyone.

ps. speaking of distance, it's been the first time i've visited daniel's site in a long time and i found this. it's amazing. i'm too shy to leave a message, so here's praise you might find later. it's sexy, well-written, and somewhat sad. stirs buried emotions, past and present. good luck with it. i'm jealous of your talent.

and every time i close my eyes...
Tuesday, November 4, 2003 // 01:41 a.m.
wonderful weekend. halloween, hung out with residents and watched the scream trilogy. hours and hours of quality time. i love those girls. :)
saturday was the game, which martin and i went to with lindsay, dina, marla and jenni...however we only stayed for the first quarter because martin had to go back for work in sd. but it's ok :) we had a nice drive and i came back on sunday morning just in time for PB and jam, our community service project. fun times!
came to several epiphanies this weekend. so grateful for you, and the way i feel is reminiscent of how we were when we first started out, when things were simple. on a whole, i think i can appreciate everything--past and present--more. but i feel apologetic for what i've lost in the process of self-discovery and getting caught up in school and self-gratification.
miss you.

p.s. happy birthday suz!! hope you have a wonderful day. :) and yes, we need that 3 hour getting-stuck-in-traffic car ride again. :)

dashboard confessional: i am missing.
Thursday, October 30, 2003 // 08:09 p.m.
i've only heard 3 songs from the new album, but they're awesome :) good stuff.
burnt out from all the bio studying. but it's ok...just one more night and then i can relax for a weekend. finally! wooooooooohoooooooooo. i'm so excited about this weekend. i've been far too detached from everything for the past month and it'll be nice to be enjoy free time again, instead of freaking out about what is due the next week. so so close. i can taste the sweet, sweet payoff. :D
in the meantime, i have duty tonight and it's the night of the homecoming concert! poopoo. plain white t's, yellowcard, and reel big fish. what a line-up huh?! but alas. indoors i am required to be, and indoors i will stay. haha. lately i've been talking all backwardsass, like yoda. creepy, it is. nyuknyuk.
ooh, i'm so excited about having a month without exams! here are some of my things to do:
-decorate the bathroom bulletin board so my girls can use it as their own personal space to post pictures.
-decorate my room and put up those pictures that dina gave me a long time ago.
-watch "brother bear"!! woohoo!
-watch "love actually"!! that movie looks so cute.
-watch lotr 1 and 2 to catch myself up and get the hype ready for the final!! yeessss. :)
-take my residents out. just them. a little 5th floor lovin.
-meet with my advisors and declare myself! american studies major and a natural science minor! finally. :D
-plan out my schedule for next semester.
i think that's it for now. i'm really excited though. this weekend, if all goes as planned, will be refreshing and fun. football, homecoming, martin, and no midterms or papers? too good to be true. :D

evisceration rocks!
Wednesday, October 29, 2003 // 12:32 a.m.
reading up on bio, as usual. taking a break from the whole two paragraphs i've read thus far. :p in a fantastic mood for a lot of reasons, but mostly just because i love this. :) my residents, my jobs, my staff, my boyfriend, my friends, and my family. and the possibilities.
so grateful for all the people that believe in me.

harriet's got a song. -ben kweller.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003 // 03:42 a.m.
residents, nhon, and april have been the source of my new music tastes these days. so it's their fault! i swear! :D
totally fell asleep around 1am with bio book in lap, then woke up at 3ish wondering where i was. got up and showered, now super-tired and kind of crampy. yes, it's that magical time of the month again. (i know you love hearing about it every month, month after month.) LOOK. if i'm going to have to put up with it, so do you. got it, bud? haha. i'm so passive-aggressive. or maybe just aggressive. ;D
my mama called today and asked about the fires, if martin was ok, etc. really really cute. i love my mom so much. she asked if everything was alright, and when i replied with something vague like, "sometimes it's hard," she said something like: "if life weren't supposed to be hard, you'd never learn from it." she always knows. how does she do it?
ann called and i cried. all of it out. the insecurities, the being overwhelmed, and just--goddammit, i'm tired of being sad and i'm tired of whining and always feeling so friggin' selfish because i can't even sit at a meal and not feel like i'm wasting time. aaargh. i just feel so shitty because i'm feeling shitty in the first place, and fully knowing that it's in my hands...it's all really confusing because i can't place these feelings. and i'm so scared to disappoint you.
so what to do? breathe. in and out every day. one day at a time. and avoid the smoke. stay away from the fires (figuratively, not literally) and remind myself how much i love you. and stop being so afraid of that.

sand in the hotdogs
Saturday, October 25, 2003 // 03:04 a.m.
tonight was marks tower big fat beach bonfire. it was pretty good, except we didn't have enough drivers so i ended up making two trips there and two trips back. boooooo. but it's ok. we came back and had some korean bbq (i really wanted to play taboo, but they were hungry), and we ended up then bringing taboo to the restaurant. but mindy said i would cause i scene. so no taboo with the soonduboo (korean rice tofu soup stuff). nyuknyuk. i crack myself up. it's a little sad.
speaking of cracking myself up, my brother is hilarious. check out the recent videos he put on there. he's so weird! hahah. i love the first one, where he's threatening to kick somebody's ass. he's a much better actor than that, usually. but he's so funny :)
ok! gotta run. a phonecall from you know who. :D

motion city soundtrack: the future freaks me out
Friday, October 24, 2003 // 03:54 a.m.
which is my newest favorite song. thanks, nhon! :)
supertired, but my mind is still racing. i just finished studying for bio (for 4 hours nonstop! aren't you proud?) and now i'm just giving myself a little well-deserved break. my bio exam is next week, so i figure if i can pull these hardcore long nights of studying, i can be somewhat ready. at least ready enough to get a b...please?
my voice class sucks. i don't know if i've complained about any classes so much before, but the teacher makes me feel really shitty about myself. plus i just feel like my opinion isn't heard and i don't get enough recognition or acknowledgement when i do finally get it right. i could just be expecting too much, but i work hard in that class and i feel like because i'm not a theatre student, i suck. :| it's not even what i expected. i wanted to learn how to sing better, not how to breathe.
it bugs me when my residents come home drunk and either tell me that they're really drunk or deny that they drank anything, no matter how much they reek. i guess i'm just denying any humor that comes along with clumsy drunkenness, but it's annoying when you feel like you have to take care of them. i mean, once in a while is ok, but it really disappoints me to see them stumble in so stupidly. and the fact that they think it's the coolest thing in the world is just a reflection of how impaired their thinking is even when they're NOT drunk. alright. i'm just bitching and complaining, but i don't think it's right to come home and force (unknowingly sometimes, but still) other people to take care of you. unless it's someone bound to you by friendship or some other kind of dedicated relationship. and then they don't have the sense to be polite and end up being rude or saying something offensive to the very people that are taking care of them.
i'm just being grumpfest2003. sorry. i've just been in and out of moods. i still love my job, and my girls are all great. like any other job, i just get frustrated once in a while.
speaking of jobs, i turned in my application to be a tour guide today. we'll see what happens!
better get some shuteye for tomorrow. big, obligatory weekend coming up.

p.s.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003 // 11:26 p.m.
i miss my mom. she's the greatest.

new amsterdams: never treat others.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003 // 11:01 p.m.
where did all my entries go? poo poo. it's ok, i don't blame the pitas guy. sometimes things just go wrong. as long as my lengthy list of archives are still there and still in existence, i am ok. much love for pitas, still.
finished one of my last midterms today! woohoo! well, if i don't count next week's bio exam, i really am done with midterms. but not done with tests. boooo. it's ok though. i'm feeling alright.
there are times when i wonder. people surprise you.
things aren't always what they seem. --fortune cookie.
xoxo.

random, gray, and fragmented.
Friday, October 3, 2003 // 01:28 a.m.
just messing around with the format, folks. i will get it right. :) unless you like it like this?