amy elizabeth.
love the chub.
thank you, pitas.
// tough like watermelon.
// amplified aching.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
ah, my sweet sweet tower.
on a completely different note, another reason why guys can be crummy: they're at their funniest and most charming until they get what they want. and, exemplified SO well in sex and the city: once they're in your pants, you can be sure as hell they'll be out of your life within the next week.
p.s. a message to the "said" boys: for future reference, you shouldn't refer to the bedroom as where the "magic" happened. ain't no magic take place in there, sucka. overwhelmed with nostalgia.
and it stings when it's nobody's fault
maybe i'll sleep inside my coat and
we share the sadness
john mayer: split screen sadness.
funny that i avoided this cd for so long and finally discover a song that fits everything i felt. slowly going the way of the buffalo. you see i've forgotten if they're green or they're blue. yes, you're lovely with your smile so warm. everytime. swiss army romance. doormat. good enough. humble bee.
once upon a time i could have had it all
in this office, the day goes by too slowly. i've been thinking about getting an ipod just to pass the time. but i don't think i should...it'd probably be a silly waste of money and a bit of technology that will be surpassed in a few months anyhow. especially since i'm so late on catching the trend bug on this one. so, i'll just save up my money for a digital camera. too bad they don't come in cute colors like the ipod minis, though :P semi-boring entry. ocean avenue. perfectly knowingly. ain't it funny...
it weirds me out, sometimes, when i think about how so many guys can just settle. i've always thought that most any girl can get a guy if she wants him enough, because you can learn to love somebody...and guys in particular, as long as they are getting the ass, have fewer expectations of love. this is all what i've seen and experienced, anyway.
sometimes when i'm driving home, i think about staying on the road a little longer. first day back on the job. if i ain't got you, baby. random links.
nemo i can't get no... she got jungle fevah... pop, and lock. wise up.
Monday, August 2, 2004 // 12:24 a.m.
back at marks tower at last. it is good. maybe a little lonely, but still good. :)
i've realized, now, that the quiet+loneliness+internet access brings me to ultimate boredom--the kind that leads itself into depression. i'm not saying that's where i am, but it's where i could be.
so i wonder: how on earth could i be this busy and still feel like this at the end of the day? pretty scary, but it's true that having time to think is often hazardous for me. better to have people around all the time, so i don't think crazy thoughts as often as i do when i'm alone. don't get me wrong, i like my "me" time--sometimes i don't know what i'd do without it. i guess it's just strange not to have dina or anybody else around. i've been spoiled! heh.
have had a lot of weird dreams lately. people getting angry at me, being betrayed by good friends, and getting my heart broken. monsters, too. heh. it's all a weird mix, and i'm not sure if it means anything, but overall i feel ok. i know when it comes down to it, i am really very fortunate. so i don't know why every once in a while i get this way. in any case, i keep telling myself that i'm in no hurry to get somewhere. we'll take things one day at a time and be happy with it.
maybe i just never thought i'd meet guys like that.
oh well. who cares? i'm having fun. and who knows? maybe i'm using YOU for ass. how do you like them apples? ;)
lyrics to end with: is there anymore room for me in those jeans?
hahaha.
Thursday, July 22, 2004 // 10:55 a.m.
"all you need is love" is a lie 'cause
we had love but we still said goodbye
now we're tired, battered fighters.
cause there's nothin' to blame at the drop of your name
it's only the air you took and the breath you left
wait on your porch 'til you come back home
oh, right
i can't find a flight.
so i'll check the weather wherever you are
'cause i wanna know if you can see the stars tonight
it might be my only right.
the split screen sadness
i called because i just
need to feel you on the line
don't hang up this time
and i know it was me who called it over but
i still wish you'd fought me 'til your dying day
don't let me get away.
Thursday, July 15, 2004 // 01:21 a.m.
every day i feel a little more defeated and alone.
and part of me is very jealous because i feel like you can manage to maintain friendships that i just cannot. because to drift away for a brief time is part of who you are. but for me to do it seems selfish and cruel.
mostly, i feel tired and without a place to turn to. here, there is no one to talk to or trust, and no time to call. and i don't even want to call. i don't want to try and rebuild or recapture or anything. i am tired of working for one-sided friendships. i'm done with it.
i feel like you don't understand. and i feel like you don't try. and i feel stupid for confessing things to people that i hardly know, but the people that used to be there aren't anymore.
you don't even know.
Friday, July 9, 2004 // 12:42 a.m.
damn insomnia has gotten the best of me lately. i don't know why i haven't been able to sleep for the life of me, but it's driving me nuts. i've tried most everything. i expected that running again would tire me out too, but that's not doing much either. if anything, i would say that it makes me more energetic. which is just plain crazy.
we are all growing up too quickly. and i'm the worst of the bunch. i don't even know where my feelings went. i listen to all the songs that used to make me weepy, and i only find a kind of numb that i can't really place.
when the hurt finally goes away, it's almost like you feel heartless for it.
Wednesday, July 7, 2004 // 12:20 a.m.
i feel silly after having noticed that the latest entries in here have been nothing but ramblings about love and things of the sort, but i suppose that with the more random, less embarassing topics being posted in my xanga, i have no other things to talk about in my darling pita. in any case, i've always found that this is more of a page for myself and my own reference, and if other people happen to stumble upon it, i am ok with that too. i'd like to think that i have nothing to hide, but there are some things that i wouldn't want to be posted in an entry likely to be e-mailed to all those that subscribe, etc. the xanga world is completely different from that of the pita. ah, blog politics.
i think a part of us secretly likes to inflict pain upon ourselves. it's sick, but i find myself struggling against my own desires to call or im or write...just to see how he's doing. and sometimes, i admit, i think back to this date exactly one year ago and try to remember what i did with him that day. i'm not really sure exactly why i do these kinds of crazy things, but i am slowly fighting the urge and often winning. sometimes i think about daniel and kevin and how i can think of them without even wincing now, and it reminds me that i'll get there again someday. and i'm sure you're sick of hearing it--hell, i'm sick of hearing it, but i like to remind myself that things are going to be ok and what i did was right. call it insecurity or being just plain weird, but it is nice to be reassured--even if it is in my own writing.
there are so many things i wish i could say but really can't find the words for just yet. life is simple these days. simple, though, is not always good. gives you less to think about, and fewer distractions.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004 // 12:53 a.m.
you, with the kissing. explain and state your intentions. you're driving me nuts here. a good kind of nuts for the most part, but still.
re-learning how to make friends with guys without dating them. meaningless college hookups are exactly that. and i'm ready to get away from dating altogether for a while. not because i'm bitter or cynical again, but because for once in a long time, i'm not. i'm rediscovering the value of simply being friends with someone. those relationships mean so much more.
the truth is, booty is AWESOME but not necessary for survival. and can be harmful if it doesn't mean anything.
i've been re-evaluating my friendships as well. and i've decided that there are a lot of friendships that i am in that are superficial. paths that cross, but nothing ever comes out of it. so i'm going to go for the less and the more. and if you think that this is cold-hearted, think of the footprints saying...you know which one i'm talking about. there are people have made an incredible impact on my life, maybe even some without knowing, and no matter where they stand in my life right now, that imprint that they've made is never going to go away. and those soft spots never really go away. so, i still love you, it's true. but every day is another step away from the past.
i'm not trying to leave anyone behind or "diss" anybody. heh. i've just been thinking a lot lately and am trying to take away the parts that hurt.
"We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course." --memoirs of a geisha
Friday, June 18, 2004 // 11:23 p.m.
it's going to be a doozy of an entry. (what's a doozy, anyway?)
in latest developments, i've befriended someone i had meant to leave behind a while ago. i cry, he talks, and i like to listen. heh. and i'm not in love with him. i don't even LIKE him that much, sometimes. but, he's been where i am, and it's good to see that there is life beyond this, and to hear that someone understands.
he says that your first breakup after being in love starts out like an impossible mountain to climb. but you try anyway, and when you look back, it doesn't seem like you've made a lot of progress. but eventually, it's something that you've learned from and you can't look back anymore. and it's not just "getting over it". it's appreciating it. there is nothing like your first love.
he compares it to a friend's death (admitting that it is very dramatic to use as an analogy). when it first happens, it's the shittiest thing you can ever imagine happening. and it hurts so fucking bad. and you never really get over it, but you understand it. and it might take a really long time, but eventually you stop crying about it.
so here i am, trying to get over it all. thinking i'm a complete ass because it's been something like seven months and i don't know why the memories still make me cry. i've tried to move on, but you can't force yourself to be in love. even if you go through the motions. even if you pretend to be vulnerable. no way man. i haven't even come close to being in love in the way that i've known and felt.
i guess i've been going about it all wrong. and i don't want to be jaded and bitter anymore, and i don't want to blame myself anymore. i want to stop replaying memories of "i still love you" and unanswered phonecalls. i had figured that the easiest way to get over someone was to move on. but sometimes it only takes you a step back, because everything the replacement does only reminds you of what you're trying to replace.
in the end, i'd rather be alone and introspective than shallow and with someone that i can't begin to let myself care about.
and to think, we're not even halfway through the summer yet.
Monday, June 14, 2004 // 03:33 p.m.
ever get the feeling like you've been had?
i feel oddly taken advantage of. or insulted? i don't know. i'm just pretty angry. even if it's not your fault. i feel like the finger needs to be pointed somewhere.
Sunday, June 13, 2004 // 11:56 p.m.
it occurred to me this weekend that i don't really have a lot of friends. heh. not many that are around, anyway.
Wednesday, June 9, 2004 // 12:22 p.m.
it seems like all i've been posting lately are song lyrics, but it sort of has to do with the fact that i'm not really on AIM anymore and thus i cannot share newfound songs there :( but anyway, i think this is one of my best finds yet:
a princess with a price on her head
or the prince who'd climb her wall
but when pride has it in for someone
none of us can check the fall.
now i'm humble as a bumblebee
i'm getting used to how things have to be.
just another mumble
buzzing round and round in rings
so afraid that i won't be king
this is the sting, i still want everything
here is the twist, you're on my list and
here's what i mean, you're still the queen
and i want you, honey.
john wesley harding: humble bee
i've decided that i am a writer. more than anything else. i'm not particularly good at it, but it's something i do every day and i love. now, how to make money from it?
Tuesday, June 8, 2004 // 11:47 p.m.
things are pretty crazy these days...in a pretty good way, i think :) i dunno, i really enjoy living here with dina and having our own place...today we made stir-fry vegetables and put them in quesadillas...AMAZING. i love cooking for myself. so so fun. and it's great to be able to host bbqs and everything.
my fate once july hits, though, is kind of scary. i got offered the residential counselor position with summer seminars, so i have would have a place to stay...but i can't take the job unless i drop my other two jobs. WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT? it makes me mad because i didn't even get the friggin interview until two days before school started, so how was i supposed to know to cancel my summer plans for july? rar. i'm mad for all sorts of reasons with that. but anyway...i wrote to them and told them about my prior commitments, and hopefully they will get back to me and let me know if the offer still stands. it's pretty scary though, because it means that i might not have a place to live throughout july. eep! help.
if you have somewhere for me to stay, i promise i don't eat much and i do a lot of chores, etc. :) i'm quiet and fun and very neat and clean. i even sleep in small spaces. eh, eh?
anyway, enough personal ad stuff. like i said, things have been good. and overall, i'm happy. :) i think i'm really lucky, especially, that i get to live with dina in a beautiful place free of charge. she's a good housemate...i know it's only been a week, but it's great that we can get along well and she knows me well enough so that we do enough things separately and some things together. i dunno. i like it :)
not much else to say for now...i'd like to recommend the entire postal service cd, "give up". really really good album that i just picked up on sunday :) first cd that i've bought in a looong time, and well worth the money. :)
no more hopelessly romantic attempts for true love. i'll just have fun and make due with what i've got. :D i won't ask for anything more any more. it's silly to make things more than they are, anyway.
Saturday, June 5, 2004 // 12:55 a.m.
as if you couldn't tell between the discrepancies between this journal and my xanga, i've been kind of oddly moody lately. somewhere between pissed, regretful, and disenchanted. don't get me wrong--i am enjoying myself...i really love the work i'm doing, and the condo and living with dina is awesome...and i'm working out every day and taking good care of myself.
but it's like something is missing. i know, i am probably just being neglectful of everything else that i have. so don't think i'm not grateful, because i am.
to be honest, i'm sort of pissed about newboy. or...hurt? and it's all hearsay and indirect conversations...news being passed on and i just feel like his asshole potential just shot through the roof. i don't completely trust him, and i don't know if i even care enough to take a chance on him. i do think that when you find someone that could be worth taking a risk for, then it's worth it no matter what the outcome. but this was all accidental. we sort of fell into it.
this is going to sound stupid, but i watched shrek two tonight and it got me thinking about kevin, because part of the reason i loved shrek so much is because i went to go see it with him on one of our first dates. THUS i stupidly spent much of the movie spacing out and thinking about ex-boyfriends.
i would really like to be able to say that my hormones aren't in charge of telling me whether or not i love someone. but when it comes down to it, maybe we're just wired too well as human beings wanting to...well, do it. REPRODUCE. :p
the first time martin ever put his hand on my waist, i felt a warm sensation all over. it was like i suddenly just wanted to be wrapped up in him. i took it as love at first touch. it felt like we were meant to be.
...his warmth is different.
sometimes you want to trick yourself into falling in love so badly so you can finally move on.
Friday, June 4, 2004 // 02:49 p.m.
have you ever looked at someone else's page and got a glimpse of her life, and--perfectly knowing that you don't really know this person--decide that you wish that you were living that life?
well, obviously, i have. i'm always too embarassed to mention what page it is, but it doesn't often happen that i wish i were someone else.
things that i am particularly envious of:
·artistic people.
·good writers.
·people in love.
·girls that are 5'3 (my dream height :p).
as a disclaimer, i am content with my life. :) these are just things that i'd like to work towards, i guess. (except the height thing. that can't be helped. stupid genetics.)
Wednesday, June 2, 2004 // 11:34 p.m.
you never know how much you have until you try to replace it, and realize that it'll never be the same.
but girls...or at least for me, have certain standards. they are choosier. and i guess i learned this in anthropology a long time ago: females are to have first pick because they carry the eggs, bear the children, etc. but thinking about it scientifically ruins the whole aspect of romantic love. is it so bad to want something more, to believe in a mr.right? instead it's all pheromones and hormones and jumping bones. heh. it is sort of a depressing realization though. one of those let-downs that you don't really want to let get you down...but it's a slow realization that takes a little bit out of you day by day.
have i waited too long?
have i found that someone?
have i waited too long to see you?
i’ve had so many chances
turn my back and i ran away
i’ve had so many chances to see you.
new found glory: hit or miss.
Wednesday, June 2, 2004 // 01:18 p.m.
technically, it's my second day back at work, but my first day back at APASS. i honestly feel like i am LOOKING for things to do. work here isn't terrible, but i think i've checked my e-mail at least 20 times already today in the two hours i've been in the office. it's a bit depressing.
work at the tour guide office is a lot more fun...i guess because yesterday i gave two tours, which already takes up a third of the time that i'm the office. then me and jonathan (another tour guide) got bored so he showed me the football office in heritage hall and we drove around campus on the cart. good practice for me, and fun for both of us. later we frolicked in the grass. good times. after work yesterday, jon and i worked out at the gym and played raquetball. it is fun to have a work/workout buddy, but very tiring, too.
yesterday was uberfun though, because after dinner, dina, natalie and i went grocery shopping. i loooove grocery shopping. i know it sounds sad, but it's one of my favorite things to do. i love the condo. and the commute is really not bad at all. so times is good.
well, back to work. a girl's gotta make bank somehow. :)
Monday, May 31, 2004 // 11:52 a.m.
full update coming soon! :) in the mean time...
i want to be in love like the kind alicia key sings about:
some people live for the fortune
some people live just for the fame
some people live for the power yeah
some people live just to play the game
some people think that the physical things
define what's within
i've been there before
but that life's a bore
so full of the superficial
some people want it all
but i don't want nothing at all
if it ain't you baby,
if i ain't got you baby.
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if i ain't got you.
Monday, May 24, 2004 // 11:31 p.m.
in the name of all that is asian and mighty...
jin
naascon
and...shameless plug for the brotherly love: thomas' apartment
now the five people that visit this page will be all the more awesome. :D nemo is a great band though--i saw them at a show with my brother's band last year...and now they're playing with jin at ucsd! amazing. they are playing this week too at the knitting factory in LA, if you're in town. they're awesome, and i gotta give them props for being angry asian punk rockers. there are not enough of us out there. :p
Monday, May 24, 2004 // 10:44 p.m.
some of you have heard it many times, and few of you have learned: my phone can't receive or send out text messages. it's a sad way to be. but, with my brother's new development, you can send me text messages guaranteed! haha. it's a project he's working on called xportal and it's kind of a search engine type site that you might set as your homepage if you want to have access to a lot of the more popular necessities. you should check it out. and while you're there, you can send me a text message from the sms center ;)
the only person that will do that, most likely, is ann. if i'm lucky. :D
anyway, unexpectedly, my last day here has been sort of sad. it started off well enough--went shopping (yet again) and ran a few errands...it's weird, even when i wake up super-early in order to avoid seeing people from high school, it happens when i least expect! it's not a horrible thing, it's nice to see that people are doing alright and in the case of gabe, ex-cross country teammate, cutting class! haha. kids these days! i never cut class in high school! :P anyway, i then came home to meet up with regina, whom i haven't seen in about a year or something crazy like that. it was good times, even if the topic was a little sad. ah, love. a beautiful thing that can bring out the ugliest in people. heh.
it didn't really hit me that i wouldn't be coming back for the longest time period since college started--about 6 months. it had been about five months, before. i guess it's not that big of a deal, but when i said it out loud to my grandparents, for some reason it felt like forever. don't get me wrong, i am excited about spending summer in LA and this upcoming semester...it just feels kind of sad at the same time. i guess i won't think about it too much, but there is something to be said about the the correlation between becoming independent and leaving the people you care about behind.
i guess i'm being overly dramatic. still, i get a bit sad when i think about it.
so it has been brought to my attention that my "girls like assholes" comment is rather controversial, because as ann says, "it's not like they start out as assholes..." which is generally true. and i have to admit, there are some genuinely great guys out there that have no alterior motive. as it turns out, they are few and far between and/or gay. ha! :) alright. i'm going to stop man-bashing because, let's face it: part of the reason why i've been so giddy lately is because of one.
and as a matter of fact, he is not an asshole. :D
Thursday, May 20, 2004 // 10:34 p.m.
decidedly, one of my favorite episodes of scrubs is, as vy pointed out, episode 215: his story. hilarious.
so, as a public service announcement: GRADES ARE OUT. now i don't like to brag, but...oh hell, yes i do. STRAIGHT A'S baby!! :D doing a little dance as we speak. my mama is so proud. *tear*
ok, so my brother pointed out that the classes that i'm talking aren't "real" classes, but you know what? getting straight A's was my one academic goal this semester and i wrote some damn good papers. so, as we used to say back in the days of high school, "nuhhhh."
speaking of high school, rob and i went to go hang out with vy at stanford today. it was good times :) saw vy get his grooove on at social dance. wanted to join, but was not skilled enough (ie, at all) and eventually took a nap back at his place after watching "phonebooth"--which is like the LONGEST scene out of the movie, "scream". it's like, "c'mon. kill the guy already. i'm sick of this tension and bad jokes." i'm sorry, but a movie whose entirety takes place in a phone booth is just asking for criticism. and i'm not talking constructive.
later on, we watched "the tao of steve" which was interesting. vy's roommate explained to me why girls like assholes, and i must admit that it's true. there is something about a guy that pays just enough attention to you so you know there's a spark, but not enough to smother. and i've been known to date guys that are way too flirtatious and will flirt with other girls in front of me. it's both sad and sick, and pretty twisted. ...yet i keep falling into the same trap, and if it is not this way, the relationship gets "boring". ugh. why are we like this?
i'll leave that alone for a while. anyway, today has been a pretty happy day. it occurred to me today that possibly for the first time ever, i've come home from college and the whole family is, for the most part, pretty happy. i love that all three of my brothers are doing something they love, and i keep telling myself that my future is looking bright too. it's really nice to see this hope and happiness rub off on my parents, who feed off of our energy. i feel lucky.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004 // 07:21 p.m.
as promised, i am better today and less emotionally distraught. heh. hung out at home today and did home-y things...cleaned up my parents' room while watching "about a boy" (damn that movie is AWESOME) and later rob came over to hang out. we ended up making banana bread, which is an awesome adventure in itself. :P it looks like tomorrow we'll be going to visit indy, so keep your eyes and ears open, folks--grandmaster p and kid shazam are back and better than ever. hahaha :) uh. i just realized that that whole thing didn't really make sense...but rather than explain how illogical it is, i think i'll just leave it at that.
i managed to bowl something like a 50 yesterday and then picked it up to 90something for the second game. have i lost my touch?
afterwards, thuong and i met up with some of our homies from high school at the cinema saver. dude. i love that place. $1.50 for a movie=too good to be true. we watched "walking tall" starring none other than...the ROCK. dude. reminds me of how much i love that wrestler and how i totally want to date a samoan guy. :D it's nice to see some man-to-man fighting though--you don't see much of that anymore what with special effects and crazy magical things. heh. sure, the story had a lot of plotholes and some lines were just damn cheesy, it had me screaming "samoa power!" self righteously as if i owned the place. (disclaimer: i figure if people are paying $1.50 to see a movie, they understand that it won't be as high quality as other theatres and that includes the audience. so i can be a little obnoxious.)
it's weird when i look on my sitemeter thing and look up how people have found this page. what's creepy is, there have been more and more people searching for me by my full name. what the?! i think someone is trying to steal my identity... *shifty eyes*
as for the previous entry, alls i gotta say is, see what happens when you don't have anyone to talk to at 2 in the morning? :( i miss dorm life.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004 // 01:40 a.m.
so i'm ticked off at the world. ok ok, come back. i'm not mad at you. unless... >:(
so it's no way to make friends, being annoyed at people. but it's justified--i am a stranger in my own house! and my brother's girlfriend (it's a different girlfriend, different brother i am griping about now) has been staying over a lot...which is ok, because i really like her. but i mean, she stayed for the weekend and--oh, look--it's only tuesday and she's over again. wha?! has this suddenly become the norm?
i guess what bothers me the most is i feel like so much has changed behind my back. and i know i'm being silly, because how i am supposed to expect to leave for so many months and come back thinking that, though i've changed, everything at home will remain the same? i understand i'm being ridiculous. but it still hurts. especially when my brother doesn't even treat me the same anymore. i dunno. pisses me off.
i'm sorry. i guess i am being very silly. i'm just mad, is all. for a lot of unjustified reasons, probably. i hate coming home for the reason that too much has changed and i don't know where i fit into things anymore. i don't belong here, it feels like. the puzzle pieces have suddenly disguised themselves, been misplaced. it makes me feel like i don't even know who i am anymore.
and often, the guilt of it all swallows me up. seeing my parents so tired and worn from work, and knowing that it is me sending them there. and knowing that my brothers blame me for that. who am i, just because i am the last one, to rob my parents of their lives? :( i just feel like such a loser that can't even support herself.
i know this is a self-deprecating entry, but don't worry. i am ok, just tired and sad about certain things. as much as i've tried to accept, grow accustomed to change, it still takes me by surprise. and i just feel figuratively without a home.
another thing that has been bothering me lately is the discovery that i will be needing foot surgery in the fall. one of the bones has grown too far, stretching my tissues to the point where it is causing pain. i don't mind the hassle so much, but i wonder what the pricetag on it will be. and it worries my mom so much. i don't know. it's all another frustration that just causes more financial worries. the thing is, i know we're ok as long as my parents keep working, but they can't do it much longer. they are old and sick and losing strength to do what they've been doing for twenty years. i feel like i can't ask them to do this any longer.
while i'm talking about how shitty i feel, i am just going to let it all out now so that i can be over and done with it and another day i can write a happier entry. i woke up crying again, thinking of him. who else, right? sometimes i cry because it hurts to think that he didn't care--and as much as i try to convince myself that he really did, it still hurts. and other times i cry because i feel like i really fucked up. everything. and i wonder when/if i'll ever stop feeling so guilty for it all. i just don't want the anger to be in her heart anymore, because there is so much already and i didn't mean to put it there...and that's the last thing she needed from somebody that she trusted.
and the other side of me thinks i'm a big wuss for writing about all of this here. this is not a desperate, indirect plea for forgiveness or help. i don't use my online journal to do my dirty work. but to even say something about it denotes weakness to me, i guess. it's kind of shameful.
things will be ok. just letting it all out.