amy*s musings.
pictures.
more pictures!
thank you, pitas.
2005
// the longest february.
2004
// infinite possibilities.
// heightened senses.
// orchid thief.
// tough like watermelon.
// amplified aching.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
all smiles. bigger, faster, better. lights on. so i wait. nightmares. honestly.
if you asked me i will buy you a new life. and we'll all float on. ok? in the dark. disappointment. finding the reasons.
as for reasons for these kinds of things happening...someone else said something interesting to me yesterday: "i think you have interesting stories to tell." for some reason, i found it flattering. maybe that's a little strange, but honestly, it gives me a reason. it makes me feel like i am meant to tell these stories. like, all the shit is worth it because i can write about it, sing about it, share it with others and make them feel like someone else went through the exact same thing. bruised. jewel, jet, and other goodies. can't take my eyes off of you.
The first love of her life was gentle, quiet. The type of man who whispered to her, the kind who promised to be a good father. He dedicated himself to her for the first few months--loving her in public and otherwise. He was sweet, and did not ask her for more than she was willing to give up. and so it is. sister hazel: your winter.
strange how it gets easier and harder every day to forget you. it's been a month. lack of grace. hm.
trying to fill up these empty spaces
i feel like singing, smile like you mean it. omens. the minute i'm aware i'm alive. floetry.
he shows me things
he does these things
but we spend long nights, instead.
and i can't tell you
Sunday, May 1, 2005 // 02:25 a.m.
ohhh what a great impromptu night. :)
fate is funny.
so was my date. :)
Thursday, April 28, 2005 // 01:35 a.m.
i have to keep reminding myself that not only do i deserve better than this, but i can do so much better with my life in general. why waste away trying to understand a man who eludes me, who gives me nothing to look forward to every day but an ache in my chest?
my life is going to be so much more than this. and i don't need to stress out about someone who does not have the capacity for guilt or reason...or someone who can't appreciate what a goddamned amazing person i am.
Sunday, April 24, 2005 // 11:02 p.m.
i've been pushing people away lately, and i'm sorry if i've been doing so.
what it is, i think, is that i don't know how to justify myself. and with a lot of my close friends, all i've ever talked about is -----, and the first thing i think of when i open my mouth is him. it's stupid and pointless, but i do it anyway out of force of habit.
habits are scary things because you do them without realizing, and so often, they are bad for you. they eat you up from the inside, and before you know it, you're addicted to this poison.
i talked to your friend the other day. i don't know how much he knows, but i suppose it's a lot because he seemed to know details. he said some things that matched your story, added some things that made your story sound better.
we need mediators, i think.
everyone tells you something different. that love is a struggle, something to work for. that the battle never eneds. and then others, a different kind of romantic, tell me that love shouldn't be this hard. that when you love someone, you know it, and it just happens. and if he/she's the one...that's it.
is every love different? is it not worth thinking about in such a way that we compare experiences?
i don't know what to think or expect anymore, and i hate not having things defined. i'm anal, i need boxes, tupperware, labels and permanent markers. i like reading and writing because it puts feelings and experiences and confusion into words, gives them names. i don't deal with abstractions.
i'm sorry. i know i can't stop. i want to, but i need an outlet for all of these incomplete, random thoughts. and i've tried to feed my energy into other things. it helps when other people tell me their problems, because it makes me focus on something other than my issue, which seems so trivial when compared to everything else.
i am trying, i really am.
Friday, April 22, 2005 // 03:14 p.m.
i'm so tired of waiting for you. so tired of caring about you.
i hate seeing you. talking about you to other people. pretending i'm over shit when i don't know how to get close.
today i wanted to talk to you. today i hoped you would stop and talk to me.
how long am i supposed to wait? please stop fucking haunting me. please get out of my life, out of my dreams.
why does this hurt so much? we're not right for each other. we're not good for each other. we just hurt each other.
but whatever people tell me, whatever i tell myself, i can't pretend that i don't feel anything when i see you. i want to stop feeling for you.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005 // 06:17 a.m.
i woke up this morning with the ache of a bad dream.
you were here--you were coming over for the first time in a long time. i sat with a friend in anticipation. i watched the numbers go by as the elevator counted and i could see--eighth floor, seventh floor, all the way down to the first floor. i lived on the first floor. i threw away my gum and threw out my friend. i anticipated your arrival.
when you were in front of my door, you called me and asked me to open it. i sat upright in my bed, watching television. just a few seconds, i told myself. a few seconds to make you suffer. make you wait outside for me like i've waited for you.
a few seconds turned into much longer. and i don't know why, i couldn't get off that bed. i couldn't bring myself to open the door. i just kept waiting, hoping that this time you would really feel bad. it never occurred to me that you might get tired of standing outside my door.
finally, i opened my door with triumph. you were no longer there. shocked, i looked at the ends of the hall. i asked someone about you. you disappeared. i called you--static. i called you again, and you said, "hey, we'll deal with your stupid april fool's joke another time, ok?"
"it's not a joke. it wasn't a joke, and i'm sorry."
"yes it is. it's all a fucking joke."
i opened my door too late.
Sunday, April 17, 2005 // 09:26 p.m.
today.
how i'm doing today
if you would have the guts
to look me in the eye
to utter a word
to take a risk
and just ask me,
i'd say it's better.
...it gets better.
i would tell you that
my heart still aches
but in a way that i can forgive myself for it.
they say follow your heart
and maybe, even if my heart hurts from time to time
at the very least,
it doesn't hurt like it used to.
it used to throb with guilt
and dishonesty
and immorality.
it used to pound against my ribcage, screaming,
this isn't right.
no more.
it doesn't hurt that way anymore.
today, it hurts, it pounds, it aches.
but it's an honest kind of ache.
it's an honest kind of everything.
and i'm alive.
and that's what matters
because i'll get through today.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005 // 09:25 p.m.
it's those little disruptions in life that will get the best of you.
things have been good. great weather. not TOO much work but enough to keep busy. not feeling overwhelmed.
i wish i had never heard. i wish i could take back last week and forget it all happened. maybe it was only a matter of time, but why did it turn out that i was there at that moment?
fate has a sick sense of humor.
oof. a blow to the stomach.
i don't want this anymore. i'm sorry.
Monday, April 11, 2005 // 02:35 p.m.
I approached my building, already feeling like I was having an off day. Sometimes I think days will be good if I dress cute, do my hair, put on makeup. Sometimes my best days are those when I don’t dress up at all—hair in ponytail and baggy sweats. I guess there’s no guaranteeing a good day, no matter what you do to tell yourself otherwise.
I stopped in my tracks when I saw her. Stupid freshman girl who stole him away from me. Just when he was learning his lesson, she threw herself at him. I bet she made him feel better about himself, like I used to. I bet she got all smug when she saw me. I turned before she could see me, all the while trying to think mean thoughts about her. Ahead of me, I saw two of my residents enter the lobby.
“Hey, how’re you doing?”
How am I doing? My heart feels like it’s pounding against my ribcage, just aching to get out. My thoughts are so loud I can’t even hear myself speak. Averting my attention to the weather, to work, to other people is all I can do to keep myself from crying.
“I’m OK. How’re you guys?”
“Muh.”
We step into the elevator, and I escape from her view. I never thought I’d ever feel this way. I’ve never felt quite this kind of hurt before. It’s like being stabbed in the front. It’s knowing that anywhere you turn, there is not just one person you want to avoid. There’s two. And they both cry out your failure. Even if they don’t see you, you can imagine exactly what they’re thinking. And on an off day, it’s like they tear your whole world down.
It's melodramatic, I know. But like I said. I've never felt like this. It hurts more than it ever did before.
Sunday, April 10, 2005 // 05:50 a.m.
my whole body aches from the gravity of it all. questions about your integrity, about your notions of love. i don't know how i ever fell for you.
i am torn. i want to believe you when you say you love me. i want to believe that i am not a fool who fell in love with some guy with great lines.
i have to say, that if you're faking it, you are the best actor i've ever seen.
but maybe they're not just lines. maybe in your heart, you truly believe it is love.
...but i don't think you understand what love is.
fuck up a few more times. learn your lesson. report back to me when you're ready to be honest, when you're worth my trust. and if it never happens, i guess it's been a fun ride. you're the biggest asshole that's ever fooled the world.
Saturday, April 9, 2005 // 01:38 a.m.
blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these broken wings and learn to fly.
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.
blackbird singing in the dead of night,
take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.
blackbird, fly into the light of the dark black night.
Tuesday, April 5, 2005 // 08:07 p.m.
"you're better than what that situation made you."
--wise anonymous friend
i had a strange revelation tonight after talking to a good friend of mine. she had just broken up with her boyfriend, and told me that, though it wasn't a contributing factor to the breakup, she found out that he kissed another girl one night when he was drunk. i got SUPERPISSED. what the fuck? what made him think that that was ok? even if he had been drinking, he should have maintained enough decency to not kiss her. it's just fucking wrong.
anyway, i told her that she deserves so much better than that, and i'm glad they broke up because he was kind of shady from the start.
and then it hit me, what makes the situation different with ---- ? he's the same way, just that i was in a different place. he not only kissed another girl, he told another girl that he loved her. and that other girl was me.
and just because the situation is slightly altered, i can't imagine what his girlfriend's friends must think. they must think he's the biggest asshole.
i would never want my friend to be with someone like that. so why should i lower my standards when it comes to myself? i am so much better than being "the other girl."
i'm going to stop waiting for you to "come around." i hope you regret it. i hope you regret it for a long time.
and i guess that's why i've been putting so much of myself into my music and my writing lately. because it helps me feel. and it gets things out there, right there in the open...without being completely out in the open. it makes me feel whole.
i've been in love once in my life. i'm starting to think that the others were flukes.
Thursday, March 31, 2005 // 05:33 a.m.
i promise that eventually i will stop talking about ----- and freakin' get over him already. in the mean time, i'm going to talk about him endlessly on this journal, because he doesn't know about it. and thus. you are the bearers of my burden. i'm sorry, but i am thankful for your patience and open ears. :) or closed eyes. whatever. hehe.
the thing is, when i really think about it, i don't think we ever expected anything more than what we had. like, as much as i wanted to think about a long-term relationship with him, i start to wonder how silly we look together. a six-foot-something man and a girl that's barely 5 foot tall with shoes. tall and built. short and slender. we are two different species! people would look at us funny. people would stare.
but i would be happy.
love is such a fickle thing. i can be so angry with you and still want to love you. and i think that for a long time, i will still wonder why you didn't choose me, why i wasn't enough.
and i know i'm just torturing myself.
watched an episode of ally mcbeal today in class, and i guess it's the first episode ever, because it introduces billy, ally's love of her life. he asks her to go to yale instead of her chosen law school, and she says screw you man. heh. not quite in that demeanor. but anyway, he leaves her behind and three years later, she finds herself working in the same firm as him, and he is married to this beautiful blonde. and the blonde is so fucking threatened by ally, and ally is so fucking jealous of the blonde. and they agree pretty early on that they hate each other.
and the funny thing is, i could relate to both of them. it is REALLY scary when you meet someone that you are certain can take your boyfriend/significant other away from you. all you can think of is how you can't possibly measure up or compete. paranoia takes over, you can't think straight. and you can almost read all of her thoughts on her forehead, and it's fucking maddening because you just want to stomp her out. heh. it's not really civilized, is it?
then again, if he really loves her, he'll stay with her, won't he? my sources say...well, my sources are confused. what takes priority in your life? someone whom you've loved for a long time coming or someone you've fallen even deeper in love with?
i just don't know. i know i should be happy for him. i try, but can't get myself to pretend. maybe that is why i've been so honest about everything lately--i can't stand pretending anymore. can't pretend everything is ok, can't pretend i don't still love you.
i guess something i did like at the end of the episode is that she says something along the lines of: "really i like the thrill of the chase. and i guess i'm having a great time, and i don't even know it."
and i feel a bit like that. things aren't terrible--a lot of the awkward rebounding situations i've had lately are pretty funny, actually. but it doesn't take away the hurt, which is understandable. i guess that's why it's all sort of a sad truth, a funny and honest kind of ache. ironic and complex.
so i'm sorry if i have complained a lot, either directly to you or to dear pita. i suppose i am still trying to work it all out in my head, because, i want to believe that i will come to some kind of better conclusion. i know that i used to be completely satisfied in life without a man. and part of me knows that is still there...just that it's dominated by these societal pressures/maternal instincts to get out there and land me a man! hahah. it's true, though. and i wish i didn't have to be so silly and vulnerable and, fuck, long winded and repetitive. but for now, it's what i need. so thanks. honestly.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005 // 02:41 a.m.
i need to stop listening to depressing music.
so it's kind of weird when other people, particularly people you don't know that well, seem to know you better without even meaning to.
i explained to a co-worker the situation that has made me so bitter as of late. i tell him how i wish i could talk to him, how hard it is to pretend that we're not even friends. he says, "well, wouldn't that just make it harder and bring you back into the same cycle?"
well hot damn.
this conversation, along with the one with vy, has made me see how important it is for me to stand my ground. yes, it's going to hurt like crazy. and maybe i can stand to stop being so angry, but i do need to stay with this. i have to stay away from you until we stop having feelings for each other. and if that time never comes, then we will never speak to each other again.
one day at a time.
the said coworker also told me why i have been hurt time and time again--without really even meaning to. he says i'm a nice girl, and says: "the thing about nice girls is that all you ever want to be is good to them...and if you're not good to them, you start feeling so damn guilty because you know they'll take it and pretend it's ok." i misquoted him a bit, but shit--it's true.
and i wonder if you got tired of me being so damned good to you all the time. i wonder if i should kick and scream. i wonder if you think about me.
i know i have to stop thinking about you.
Monday, March 28, 2005 // 01:54 a.m.
it's here, collecting dust. i wonder if you kept yours.
It was to him that she gave herself up, whispering "I love you" into his ear as she lay in his arms. And he was, as she told him countless times, the "best thing that ever happened to her."
Then something strange happened. Slowly, he lost his sweetness. Day by day, there were no more "I love you"s. There were no more words. Silences consumed the conversations, and, just like that, his love for her disappeared. All the sweet whispers were replaced by cold, harsh grunts. He did not hold her hand in public or otherwise. He, essentially, had given up the desire to be with her. When they made love, she couldn't feel anything past the ache in her heart, and she would collapse into tears in his arms. He would fall asleep.
The last love she had still bore a look of satisfaction from conquering her. They fought their urges for months, until one night, in the dark, he leaned into her and kissed her hard. She nearly cried, she was so happy. She wanted nothing more than to be with him completely. They made love that night, without thinking.
He had two loves, or at least, claimed to. Though it was a distant sort of love, he would not give it up. Not for her. She was the kind of girl to fall in love with, quickly and briefly. The kind of girl that was just within reach, not someone to strive for. Decidedly, he would leave her after a month of promises. And not more than a month after their first night of making love, he returned to his life of smugness without her.
She could not stop crying.
Saturday, March 26, 2005 // 03:41 a.m.
i'm going to make this very explicit:
Amy is my hero, and my soul mate- I swear to god, I’m just too much of a pussy to tell her, or make it happen. I know she likes me, hell I think we already love each other, but I'm too afraid to do the things necessary to make it happen.
thanks for showing me that love is just another four letter excuse for sex. i don't think you could have possibly hurt me more. if it sounds like i'm angry, it's because i am. your words were just that--only words. you never wanted to take a risk, never wanted to complicate things. you could watch me cry and watch me walk away and never even bother to stop me.
so with that, i'm erasing you from my life. because it was never meant to be, and i was never your fucking soulmate.
Friday, March 25, 2005 // 12:10 a.m.
i feel a bit like my life is falling apart.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005 // 01:22 a.m.
i don't want to hate myself,
don't want to hurt you.
why do you choose your pain?
if you only knew how much i love you.
well i won't be your winter
and i won't be anyone's excuse to cry.
i feel pretty good about it.
i don't have a lot of feeling left.
Monday, March 21, 2005 // 11:29 p.m.
dealing with this whole bank issue is frustrating, but it is nice to know that there are people out there to help you through things like this. even if they get paid for it, it helps anyway.
it didn't hit me so much right away, but it makes me more sad when people react so severely towards it when i tell them that someone stole nearly $3000 from my bank account. it's like you don't realize that things are bad till people start feeling really badly for you. it feels good and bad at the same time.
my mom said that these things happen, and you can't do much about it...but they will work out. she is so stoic and strong sometimes that i'm not sure how i am her daughter. i get so frustrated dealing with things like this, but what she said made me feel like it was less of a big deal.
still, bad karma has never followed me around quite like this.
Sunday, March 20, 2005 // 10:43 p.m.
i miss you more than i'll ever be able to admit.
with something, anything,
to make them seem
less empty.
and it's funny how
nothing is as bad as it is
until you are telling your mama over the phone.
and the tears just won't stop.
and for a second,
you can't remember why
you started crying in the first place.
but each melody seems
lacking in feeling.
i feel like writing,
but i've run out of words to give you.
i feel like crying,
but it just seems like such a waste
since nothing
nothing
will ever change.
Friday, March 11, 2005 // 08:40 a.m.
i visited his site for the first time since everything came to an abrupt end, and it's a satisfying kind of sting.
woke up feeling sad again, and when i tried to think of happy things, i started to cry.
i don't want to see you this way. i'm so so sorry. i feel so ridiculous when we run into each other and i have to stop myself from smiling at you. jesus. i mean, i'm warmer to strangers than i was to you when i saw you.
it's just that i can't let myself slip up anymore. i always forgive you, i always come crawling back and i just can't anymore. it hurts too much. i'm so very sorry. i don't know what else to say.
it's self-preservation.
Friday, March 11, 2005 // 02:37 a.m.
always a good sign when you want to start out a relationship with a confession scene.
!!
basically, it's like signing a contract that says "yes, i know you've screwed up in your past, and it's ok. i'll still be with you because i am a masochist."
AWESOME.
Wednesday, March 9, 2005 // 11:30 a.m.
things have been better lately. last night, i realized that i had the whole night to do things like study, catch up on work, and even get ahead on things. i started new projects, sent out e-mails, and have been nothing but awesomely active. it feels great.
i also have been running and working out again, in a desperate attempt to get back in shape for hawaii. heh, in truth, i think it's really good for me simply because it helps me deal with whatever bitterness is left. i am feeling better though. i am starting to feel a little more peaceful. maybe more self-righteous, but still, peaceful.
this morning i bumped my head on the desk when i was reaching down to fish out my LARAbar from my bag. (first of all, i've been eating almost everything in bar form lately. you might think it's disgusting, but i am quite a fan of the convenience.) anyway, it didn't hurt that much, it was a little embarassing since it was in the middle of class, but i blame that bump for the events that followed. or, i'd like to.
i came back and slept for about an hour and a half, which i never do. my naps are always 30 minutes long at the most. but i had a really long dream...and ---- was in it, of course. we made jokes together and then made love together. :p you like that transition, huh? heh. sorry. actually we didn't really do it in the dream, i just thought it flowed well (and now you're all thinking, "sure you sick sick pervert"). anyway, the reason i mention this is because it's weird. when i woke up, i thought i'd forgiven you already. i thought that things really were ok with us and i contemplated having a relationship of just pure sex with you. no talking, no joking around, no nothing.
but that's the thing. i don't miss the physical stuff. i miss talking to you and sharing things with you and having you be a part of my life.
and my mind spins in so many directions. i wonder if i am supposed to forgive you yet, because this grudge stuff is a struggle for me, too. and i wonder...if i don't forgive you, would you miss me at all? i wonder if i'll just become a faded memory--an idea of a girl that you convinced yourself that you loved so you could sleep with her and not feel as guilty about it.
it hurts to think of you this way.
Tuesday, March 8, 2005 // 01:58 a.m.
i have been writing poems.
like a little boy, so proud and happy.
giving me accomplishments so i can pat him and tell him
how much i love him, pretending that i mean something to him.
and wins me over completely.
and he'll never know it,
but he's my favorite person in the world
to spend a day with.
pretending, being people we're not.
we become strangers, almost.
and i am still in love
with a different side of him.
what it's like to lie to myself
every fucking night,
to hate you for making me love you.