amy*s musings.
love the chub.
thank you, pitas.
// orchid thief.
// tough like watermelon.
// amplified aching.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
a few unpopped kernels. repression. reminder more than bent on getting by
when i wake in the morning, the weekender and other such things. chubby by choice. i just want to get it over with. sh sh shakin. regressions. heightened senses.
today we did the most amazing exercise in improv. we picked partners and had to blindfold our partners and lead them around the room...in an attempt to "heighten their senses" and take away the distractions that come with sight. you know how you look around a room and already have an idea of who you want as your partner beforehand? and sometimes you get assed out and don't get the partner you want because they get snatched by someone else? well, not this time. :) i got the partner i wanted. heh. old maidsville. i'm not there yet.
...i know i am the most wishy-washy person ever. a good tuesday. shark attack. on the bright side... highs and lows.
decided to switch my screenwriting class with an improvisation and theatre games class, due to the insane amount of writing i'll have to do this semester anyway. feel kind of like a wuss, but at least the class was fun. definitely never have been so damn nervous going to a class, but i had a great time. even made the whole class laugh and cracked a few jokes...managed to use the words "rhinoceri" as well as "gelato". pretty good for pulling it out of my ass, though the sad part is when a few minutes after the moment is gone, you think of things that you could have said that were a lot funnier. oh well. i like the class a lot. :D mid-college crisis? definitely an old fart. move-in is tomorrow. holy shit. toga! toga! damn. coming up spades.
Sunday, October 3, 2004 // 09:58 p.m.
so i am halfway through my second paper, out of the three papers i wanted to start writing this weekend. rar. i am currently taking a break while i eat popcorn and drink soymilk. yum.
it's been a good, but weird, weekend. pretty productive, with a good amount of doing stuff besides studying too. i've been getting better at time management, but still need to work on procrastination. last night i played soccer for the first time in a looong time...and scored five goals! i feel like such a superstar. :D
so lately i've been so lonely and surrounded with girls pining away for (or in) a relationship that i am thinking about going back to the almost-relationship that i had with mr.cuban cigar. of course, i am afraid that if i start this up again, i will once again recoil from his strong grip, run away, and make him cry.
then again, i am beginning to wonder if my expectations for a relationship are too unrealistic. i was thinking about how i would just want to call him and have him come over whenever i felt like i wanted him to come over. that's what i would want. someone to talk to when i need to talk, someone to cuddle with when i need to cuddle, and someone to have wild monkey sex with when that necessity came about. hahaha. wow, this would be an awkward entry to read in front of my teachers or family. YIKES.
anyway, i am starting to realize that i am in a very selfish stage. i don't want to give up the routine and freedom i've got for someone else just yet. the thing is, when does self-righteousness get in the way of exploration? would it be so bad to take a chance and fling myself into a relationship in hopes that all the bad feelings will go away?
at work the other day, we started talking about relationship habits. most of the girls i work with are the always-with-someone types. the ones that jump in and out of relationships like it's no big deal, that date a few guys at a time, that can survive off free meals from cute boys. but this is not me. i don't think it ever could be me.
...but should i give it a try for the sake of trying something out? or is it just another broken heart waiting to happen?
i propose this: if he wants to try it, fully knowing that i am still sometimes an emotional wreck, and doesn't see it as some charity case...we'll see where things go.
Saturday, October 2, 2004 // 02:47 a.m.
so i figure a good way to deal with all the repressed anger i have inside of me is to write about it, sing about it, rock out in my car while driving around south LA at 2 in the morning. you know, real passive-aggressive like 'cause you taught me how to be.
work was pretty good today. it was jeff's 15th anniversary of being at apass, i think...so we had a big party which was fun, with lots of good food. and it really hit me how much i love the apass staff and how lucky i consider myself to be working there, to get the chance to spend time with some really wonderful people. lots of naascon registrations today. makes me happy and slightly less panicked.
westwood invasion tonight with the rezzies. there must have been about 10 cars that went, so about 50 people or something. it was great--such a simple program, but the kids love it :) afterwards we came back and saw harry potter 3...SO BRILLIANT especially after the second time. man. that movie is so awesome.
yesterday, on the road to the doctor's in orange county, i thought about getting into an accident because i'm morbid, and though i usually think that death would be not-so-bad, i did get a little sad thinking about it this time. there are so many things i want to do. and despite everything...all the horrible things that happen...i guess part of you can't help but think that that's what makes life what it is. i've never felt more alive than the times driving with a good song on, or walking through campus on a pretty day, or waking up next to someone that you've never been so happy with before in your life. but along with the good things come the moments that seem unbearable, the loss of friends, the guilt of knowing that you've let someone down, the realization that there are some things you'll never be able to share with your parents because of language barriers. all of these are two-fold. you win some, you lose some.
still, i want so much more than this. i want to stop being so angry.
Thursday, September 30, 2004 // 01:36 a.m.
also, a reminder to self: it's better not to be angry at people or hold grudges. just like love, hate can drive people to do and say some crazy things.
Thursday, September 30, 2004 // 01:22 a.m.
the past few days have been filled with very high highs and very low lows. overall, though, i am feeling alright. and i'm not going to let naascon stuff stress me out too much. things are going to be ok.
mostly, i am getting by on the highs.
things that have made me feel really good in the past few days: making new friends and trying again with old friends, feeling loved by my residents (old and new), talking to my brother about moving to the east coast, the switchfoot album (soooo good), my COMIC STRIP being published in the daily trojan, getting paid and realizing that i'm slowly saving up money, and being productive.
i want to blow into pieces.
i want more than just ok, more than just ok.
when i’m up with the sunrise
i want more than just blue skies.
i want more than just ok, more than just ok.
i’m not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.
i’m not giving up, giving up, not backing down.
switchfoot: more than fine
Sunday, September 26, 2004 // 09:01 p.m.
feeling...disenchanted.
really exhausted from the weekender...it was fun, but very emotional, if you'll believe it. and though i should be doing homework or working on naascon stuff right now, i would like to take a little break to reflect.
friday was exciting...as soon as i got out of class, it was like lindsayminzdina were waiting in a getaway car for me. heh. it was really cute...half an hour later, we were on the road. the drive up was eventful...saw a car on fire on the side of the road, a large truck full of garlic, and of course, tons of sc people at every stop. hopped on the BART in fremont and i swear have never been so damn proud of norcal. nowhere else is diversity so present...socioeconomic diversity, religious diversity, cultural diversity, ethnic diversity...it was fucking beautiful. i'm not being facetious, i'm totally serious. it was really amazing, and reminded me why i love places like san francisco so much.
caught the train just in time to make it to the USC rally in union square...it was really cool to see so many alumni come back to watch something so simple as the band performing. hehe. but of course, we are the greatest marching band in the world :P very fun. walked around a bit after catching some dinner...most things were closed, but we all bought a shitload of stuff at walgreens. lol. how sad. :P
arrived at stanford close to midnight? something like that? it was pretty late, and i guess i was pretty grumpy and tired, but i appreciate vy not only taking us in but really letting the girls take over his room on his second night after moving in. honestly. his graciousness is unmatched. it was good to see him and robby that night, but honestly the exhaustion hit me suddenly and i was out like a light.
saturday's game was frickin AMAZING and i have never felt so much a part of a school with its spirit and unity. so cool, i've never seen the crowd so intense before.
that night we all went back to my house for dinner...which i have mixed feelings about but will explain later. afterwards, i talked to my parents for a while and then went to bed...and this morning, left san jose :( what a friggin tease. a part of me still wishes i was home. and i wish i wasn't such a baby when i left this morning. jeez louise. i didn't even cry when i left my freshman year--why my junior year?? i don't know what's wrong with me.
i think, for the most part, it's easier to have a line drawn between home and college, including everything associated with those two aspects of your life. and i guess i made the mistake of trying to blend the two too suddenly. i don't really know what it is, but i apologize if things did not turn out as planned. everything just seemed thrown together suddenly.
things are overwhelming right now.
Monday, September 20, 2004 // 01:38 a.m.
so they've begun their formation. little curves just parallel to my belly button--little curves that weren't there before: the markings of emerging love handles.
but i am ok with it. actually, i think i can use a little more chubs. maybe it'll help me fill out a little. ha!
i am also hoping that taking two viactivs (calcium chews) a day and also drinking soy milk will increase my calcium intake, thus making my bones stronger, and more susceptible to growth. i've already noticed that my nails grow faster. call me crazy, but...
anyway, i'm realizing (and i have probably already mentioned this at some point) that some things definitely get better with age. things i've learned about myself and am accepting:
-i am a control freak. i openly admitted to my boss that i generally don't like meetings that i am not in charge of or don't have a say in. it felt good to be so honest.
-i am a flirt. sometimes it's a switch i can turn on and off. sometimes i do it without knowing, even with girls. maybe it's not flirting so much as just working the charm. :D ok, maybe this one i am still undecided about.
-i really really like routine. i've been living in the same place for 2 years now, and will be going into my third. maybe even a fourth is possible. but routine definitely does me good. the longer i am in it, the better i remember things like appointments, meetings, etc.
-being ridiculously busy is a way of life. i've adopted my mom's genes, i think, of being a workaholic. i count my lucky stars, though, for being able to have a choice over that.
-when it comes down to it, no matter how bitter i've become, i am a romantic at heart. honestly i am.
-for the most part, i've come to think of myself pretty highly. i mean, i just wrote this entire entry about myself! hahah.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004 // 03:05 a.m.
i can tell myself that i am in a better place in my life right now, and i do believe it wholeheartedly.
i've been having a lot of bad dreams lately, and on mornings i should wake up feeling refreshed, i only end up more tired than i was six hours ago. and they're not nightmares...just bad dreams.
you can tell yourself you're done with it as much as you like.
and i don't know what it is that i need. closure, or just something more that i can't figure out. and i wish i could talk to you. i wish i didn't have to be so damn scared of what you might say...or not say, i guess.
maybe it's because a year ago, we were doing fine. these were happy weeks...you were able to be spend time with me. the problems didn't make themselves clear just yet. we were still ok.
and like i said, i really am good with where i am right now. i've been more productive than i ever imagined i could be, and i have gotten the chance to re-evaluate friendships. i am a lot more thick-skinned than ever, and yet at the same time, a lot more sensitive to certain issues. vulnerable when it comes to certain topics. so i am ok. but i really need to stop this whole crying bit. it's getting embarassing.
Monday, September 13, 2004 // 12:53 a.m.
i'm sooo jittery right now because of the coffee i had. either that or it was the half hour that i was logged off of aim or something. all i know is, i'm not in the best place right now to be writing a paper. but i will be ok. no big deal...
football game this weekend--superfun and great to be at a game again. man there's nothing like watching it in person, yunno? it's awesome. the food is pretty good too. :)
i've been thinking lately about the way i've been treating guys lately, the way i've been very protective of that certain amount of independence that i'm not willing to let go of in order to be in another relationship. i just don't want to compromise right now, and i don't care if that makes me selfish. and i started to consider making concessions for mr "point of information" in thinking about this, since he showed similar signs. but then i learned yet ANOTHER incriminating factoid about him today that just pissed me off. honestly. there is a difference between wanting independence and SCREWING everything in sight. god. some guys you think won't get any worse and then they go and surprise you by sinking even lower.
i don't know why i can't just let it go. i guess part of me has to admit that i'm still attracted to him despite his asshole tendencies, but i am ok dealing with it by being completely cold to him for some time.
watched west side story last night...definitely made me cry, but for different reasons than usual. some of it relates to the "twilight" video we were watching in class, depicting different views on the LA riots. i cried simply because sometimes it's just really frustrating to know that there is a lot of hate out there, and there is so far to go still. i don't know. is it just something you're supposed to accept because you can't figure out a solution?
Sunday, September 12, 2004 // 02:14 a.m.
something i've learned about myself: it's not a good idea to try to "court" me. haha. because most likely, i will find an imperfection with the boy that will eat away at me and bug me to no end until i finally stop talking to him because i've lost patience.
that makes me sound like a total bitch, but i'm finding that i'm resorting to the same tactics in high school when it comes to dealing with guys i'm not sure how i feel about.
the thing is, if i like you wholeheartedly, you will know it. and i have a shitty time trying to forget you. because i keep falling into the throws of ex-boyfriends, old crushes, past memories. man oh man. you think guys have a problem trying to stay friends with an ex. no, i definitely suck at it. don't even get me started with how many times i've dated the same guy BREAKUP after BREAKUP after BREAKUP. good lord! is this healthy?
haha. but i'm trying to make light of it, hoping that eventually this crazy cycle will stop. it's got to, doesn't it?
when i am around my residents from last year, i remember how it all makes me feel. and how it makes me want to have kids so badly, because i want to feel that way all the time.
sometimes it makes me feel guilty, though. i'm sorry i took that away from you. i know that is what you must have felt like. and i was not grateful or loyal in the way you wanted me to be, and i just kept taking, right? even threatened to take away the most important part of your life away from you.
i understand now. at least, i think i do. and if i could take it back, i would. i would do a lot of things differently had i known it would turn it out this way.
some things are inevitable, i guess, but i wonder how much of it was in my own hands.
i know that at some point, i need to stop blaming myself. i know i need to close the door to this part of my life. but it keeps re-earthing itself...catches me by surprise, when i think i'm finally ok.
forgiving yourself is probably the hardest thing to do. you are constantly asking yourself if you deserve it.
Wednesday, September 8, 2004 // 12:42 a.m.
first of all, my residents are friggin' awesome. i know i did a bad job of bonding with my residents early on in the year last year...mostly just because last semester was crazy and complicated and i had a lot of other stuff going on. but this year, i've been able to talk to them a lot more, and enjoy them for all their crazy quirks and everything else...and yes, re-live freshman year yet again vicariously through them, but also living a year for myself.
which includes all the activities, all the jobs, new responsibilities. including meeting all kinds of new people, and taking full advantage of being single and finally (finally!) pretty confident about my body image. i'm in a good place right now.
all summer and a bit of the tailend of last year, i couldn't get over how exciting this year would be. and now that we're here, i really am thrilled. i wake up in the mornings feeling optimistic.
anyway, more importantly, it was a half-hour or so of complete trust. first he was blindfolded, then me...and it's so strange because it's the greatest opportunity to get to know someone better. there's not really a lot of awkwardness because...well, you need each other. and while i led him around, it was like...being excited for him, to have him smell this orange or to feel the warmth of the sun on his shoulders. it's like you're sharing these experiences together, and at the same time, one person is completely vulnerable. and it gives you a chance to be maternal/paternal, and very gentle with someone...i don't know, you just get so much out of it. it's such a unique opportunity to put all of your trust into a person you barely know. it was honestly one of the most intimate experiences i've had with someone in a long time. to me, there is something about communicating with your hands that seems unmistakably personal and honest.
...and, needless to say, i have a bit of a crush on him now. boy. what a crazy world.
Sunday, September 5, 2004 // 03:25 a.m.
so it turns out i'm a nutcase because even the guys i think i like and that like me i still can't hold on to.
because he's too clingy, not affectionate enough, too short, too tall, too hairy, not hairy enough, too horny, not horny enough, too charming, too quiet...whatever i can find reasons for.
"it's not you, it's me."
and it really is. i just can't get myself to be vulnerable anymore. and i've always had the habit of making excuses for why this guy isn't the right one. it's just that...i know what unconditional love feels like. it's still clear in my mind, knowing what it's like to see all the flaws and love him even through the shittiest times.
...yup. it's a future filled with musty houses and many cats. maybe i'll knit.
Saturday, September 4, 2004 // 11:20 a.m.
not sure how to take this, but i'm finding that 10 months is still not long enough to be single.
this is for a number of reasons. i still keep bad habits like thinking about hypothetical situations...the "what-ifs" of how i could have kept the relationship together, like looking at old pictures and purposely disregarding the existence of bad memories. in other words, a part of me still thinks of him a lot.
2. i still cry when i watch movies. never a good sign, especially not when the movie is "the chipmunk adventure" :P
3. the biological clock has paused for a while. for once in my adult life, i don't want a baby or extra responsbilities.
4. i'm just starting to realize how important my friendships are to me, and i don't want to compromise any of them by getting into a relationship that i don't have time for anyway.
5. being single is the good life.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004 // 10:38 p.m.
alright, so i'll admit: i've done a complete 180.
i mean, i like being single. it's great. but dating someone can be...invigorating. :D
i find myself humming for no apparent reason and walking around with a goofy grin on my face. and it's silly, i know, but...you're just so damn cute.
today has been a good day. class was fun, i put in my app for the daily trojan and will hopefully have my comic strip published very soon...put in a few hours at apass and had lunch with my boss...went to improv class and learned a lot about myself. came back, gossiped with residents, then minz came over and i hung out with lindsay, dina, and her for a bit...which is always wonderful :) ran into professor gustafson, who noted that it was nice having me in his class again this semester, and then headed to my floor dinner with my residents and faculty fellow. lovely. finally, went to apasa meeting where patrick said that he had a crush on me at that moment (haha, you sho is funny!) and passed out naascon and apso stuff. then returned to give leftover pizza to patrick, had long conversation about RAing, sex, and other controversial issues like "friends with benefits" and tried to figure out if one of our mutual friends is gay or just very sensitive. heh. helped residents with chem homework (who the heck knew i still had it in me?!) and went to staff meeting, which did not run late this week.
now off to help former residents work out an issue at their apartment. feeling like super RA. *beams*
Monday, August 30, 2004 // 12:50 a.m.
it's not that i feel conned into it. and it's not like i don't feel for him.
it's just that...i really wanted to just see where this went. and sure, a part of me has a vested interest and all, but i am just hitting my peak of enjoying being single.
i used to always get really embarassed in middle school and high school...it always felt awkward to hold hands with someone and walk around with them as if to declare "yes, this is mine." haha. i think kevin was maybe the only person i didn't feel awkward with in high school, and even then i'm not sure if it was just because he was my "trophy boyfriend," so to speak. i liked claiming him as mine. heh.
and it's not that this guy's no good. he's plenty good. maybe i'm just masochistic.
...i could blame it on a lot of things: i don't like hearing nice words because i've heard them before and they only end up hurting. or, it's suddenly too good...and again, i've been in this situation before. and maybe i'm just not over it.
why couldn't i just have stayed away from mr. point of information (i.e., "point of information, _____ is a dick") and other such troublemakers?
...i would like to stay single for as long as possible.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004 // 02:07 a.m.
when things get really bad, i think about days like when i started the day puking, saw the parking attendant slip the ticket under my windshield wiper, tried to get cough syrup only to find rows and rows of empty shelves, bawled when i got home because i was not yet over the breakup, and stressed over my biology final which i was unprepared for anyway.
thank goodness no days have been THAT bad in a long time.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004 // 11:42 p.m.
today's high:
ouuie: AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) There is so much to do and so much to look forward to. Just take it easy and you'll get it all done with perseverance. You have an opportunity coming your way and it will be the right situation for your talent
ouuie: hope you had a great day
thanks for the lovin, ann.
also, always good to see dina, lindsay, and minz. even if it is for a short while, they keep me fairly sane and grounded.
lows:
possible cancellation of naascon because we haven't seen really any planning on their part and everyone's feeling nervous about it. which means...possible loss of job+change in schedule+budget revisions=chaos in amy universe.
going to a staff meeting feeling terrific, and then leaving absolutely annoyed out of my brains. i'm trying to keep this to myself, i really am, but i'm starting to feel like there is only so much i can take. i am really really tired of feeling this way. and i'm getting confused as to what my role is, what i should be doing...if i'm not being a good RA, etc. the other girl RAs only talk about how wonderful their floor is...and while i can't complain, i just feel like i've lost the energy that i had last year. this year i am older, possibly wiser, and i guess a lot more cynical. and yet that's not the example i want to set for the staff.
i swore last year that i would stop caring about what people thought of me, and hell if i cared if everyone liked me. and in some ways, that all still holds true. i get along with most of my staff quite well, but when i feel like even my boss is playing favorites, i just get a little irked. well, REALLY irked. maybe that's where this is all stemming from. but you know...it's like, i can't do a damn thing right all of a sudden. i feel like it's my job to remind my supervisor about certain things, but in doing so and being kind of the anal nag about stuff, i am losing "brownie points". it's like i can't win. and to confront my supervisor about this only makes me, i'm sure, a whiny bitch.
to be honest, sometimes all i want is to get out.
Friday, August 20, 2004 // 01:19 a.m.
for the first time in a long time, i'm not sure who i think i am or what kind of person i want to be.
it's only the second day since the residents moved in, and i can't help but feel like i'm not cut out for this job. i did it well enough last year, but when it comes down to it, i'm just not sure why i'm doing this anymore.
i watched garden state with lindsay and minz tonight, and it was awesome. so amazingly good. but the shitty thing is, it made me friggin bawl. i haven't cried like that in a relatively long time, and in some ways it felt good. but throughout the movie, again and again, it made me feel so damn alone.
if only you could go through life without missing people and things and feelings you can't seem to get back.
and part of me wants to stop striving to be something, to aspire to be someone important. lindsay wrote a bit about role models being bullshit, and it hit hard--i guess because i always have looked to others for direction as to what kind of road i should pave. and, let's face it, i had always thought of myself as stiriving to be a role model too. and it just got me thinking about what i'm doing and what the drive behind each decision is.
i feel like i am stumbling through life, grasping for a reason day after day...and coming up empty-handed.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004 // 12:42 a.m.
woah. i just went to a site, right after i wrote the last entry, where this girl was writing about leaving for college. kind of crazy when you remember what it was like to be on the other side...to come in as a freshman and be friggin' petrified and sad to leave all your friends behind. kind of makes you happy to be where you are.
and thankful for everyone that's gotten you here.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004 // 12:37 a.m.
eep! i am somewhere between nervous and excited. it's the same anxiety i used to get before the first day of school...except maybe these days the anticipation for sleep can't be fought. heh. now i am an old fogey. :D
more to say when there is more time...in the meantime, look here for fun pictures. :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2004 // 12:40 a.m.
holy crapola--i've never been asked out before, much less by a guy that i like!!
too bad i have to be buzzed for this moment. hehe. oh well, just as well i suppose :)
Saturday, August 14, 2004 // 03:48 p.m.
somewhere along the way, RA training became one long non-stop party. haha.
ok, maybe not non-stop, because we've done a helluva lot of work and been to many classes, too. but i can't remember when i've had a better time around the same people for two weeks straight. i can't tell you how crazy i am about my staff and the south side area...and how much fun i've had meeting and spending time with all these different RAs.
which leads me to believe that for some things, it's true what they say about getting better with age. i remember how last year i was so worried throughout RA training, and how insecure i felt because i barely knew anybody. and now it feels like i could go to just about any building and strike up a conversation with an RA. it's amazing to have that confidence and comfort.
this past week, especially, has been superfun. we've gone to roscoe's, watched "animal house" together, got up at 1am to drive up some mountain and watch the meteor shower (only to fall asleep in RA classes the next day), and on friday we went on a fancy shmancy dinner cruise in marina del rey. mkt staff was definitely best-dressed in our togas and matching laurels ;) last night, i partied in a dorm room for the first time in my college career...and thoroughly enjoyed it. hehe. i'm tellin' you, nothing completes a game of kings like the "little man rule". it almost strikes me as a little sad that the residents will be coming soon. not completely, of course, but still...there is something about being able to drink a few margaritas and not feeling guilty as you stumble back to your room. now THIS is the way i pictured college. hahah.
things have all around been real good. :D and now i'm off to an angels' game with dina. it's babushka night!
Tuesday, August 10, 2004 // 01:52 a.m.
it's hard not to fall for you when you're so damn charming. haha.
dina thinks the love-hate relationship is the best kind. ...i think she's got a point. :)
Sunday, August 8, 2004 // 02:22 a.m.
man oh man. ra training has been tiring but very fun. i really love my staff and i just enjoy having people i like back on campus with me. it's just like a sneak preview at the schoolyear, yunno? except one, i am a gimp, and two, i am not as stressed out. heh. things have been going very smoothly, though.
tonight i watched "donnie darko" with lindsay and min...very interesting movie and i feel like i could watch it again and again and still get something out of it. definitely a movie made to make you think. i enjoyed it a lot, though. afterwards, mike came over and we went up to john's place to enjoy some margaritas. haha. i can't drink tequila worth shit. come to think of it, i can't really drink much at all anymore. my tolerance sucks. but maybe that's a good thing. methinks this year will involve fewer frat parties and more exploring LA and going to the beach and things like that. we'll see. turning 21 will definitely make a difference, i'm sure. :P
we were talking, today, about how people are starting to live to be a lot older...so our generation will probably live to be at least 100 if we take fair care of ourselves...that is, if the earth doesn't blow itself up first. (cynical tonight, can ya tell?)
anyway, i started thinking about how i'm only like 1/5 of the way through with my life, and jesus--how much is still left. and it's almost intimidating, wondering what you're going to do with all that time. and still, life seems all to short sometimes too. it's thoughts like these that confuse me. heh.
still, with all those years to live, you gotta wonder if the good is always going to outweigh the bad. and if you'll ever get out of this bit about feeling--essentially, alone--throughout the course of your life.
and i figured i had learned to differentiate between being unhappy and being lonely, but sometimes the lines get blurred. and regret is another emotion that doesn't quite go away. truth is, i have trouble forgetting those bits of the past that still manage to get the best of me. and i don't just mean past lovers, but memories of friends that have long gone...either by force or by space or by time. i often say that it all feels very far away now, but once in a while i guess it all catches up to me and taps me on the shoulder to remind me that i've got all this crazy baggage. heh. who knew such a little person could pack so much?
and i don't mean to discredit my close friends here at sc at all...god i'm so grateful for them and happy for every moment i've been able to spend with them. i'm just very taken aback when i get these attacks of nostalgia. i'll be over it in the morning. these hours catch me off guard.
Monday, August 2, 2004 // 11:29 p.m.
amy-able (like amiable): being extremely lucky and/or a cheater.
a term coined by a couple of the counselors i worked with this summer; travis and mike. i kinda miss those guys. something about playing cards for hours and hours is something i'll never really get sick of. they were decent conversationalists, too. :) wonder what they're up to now.
today, unbeknownst to myself--senior RA training started. huh! go fig. haha. i woke up at 8:50 to the sound of my cellphone ringing, and the voice of my fellow SRA, liz.
"wanna walk over together?"
"walk where?"
"training. it's in ten minutes."
a whirlwind of pants-putting-on, "ohcrapohcrapohcrap"s, and then remembering to shave because i was wearing a tanktop. and then out the door to meet liz downstairs. and then swiftly hobbling over to topping. i didn't mention this in the last entry, but i got foot surgery about a week and a half ago. so i have to wear this boot-thing that causes me to walk, as brian describes, "like a clydesdale". thanks for comparing me to the likes of a HORSE, brian. jeez.
anyway, so we head over there and spend all day in training. MY GOODNESS. i didn't realize that my attention span had diminished with the advent of television! but meeting all my future co-workers and everything was fun...and seeing old, familiar faces was good too of course. overall, i was excited to be there, however flustered i may have seemed.
returned to my room around 5:30, ready to sleep. having been bed-ridden for the past week or so, this was all the action i really needed in one day. heh. but of course, there was unpacking to do...and so, it was done. still a little left, but i'm actually quite surprised at the progress i've made. anyway, tonight thomas is coming over and bringing me fun things from costco--woohoo!
another day of training tomorrow, and then regular RA training starts on wednesday. i'm excited, 'cause i'm teaching a class with rhea on thursday. teaching is so fun.
all in all, i'm feeling very good about this semester. football season, naascon (ah!), new residents, a new staff...a year of being older and doing more leading than following. and let's not forget--spending a LOT more time with friends...including taco tuesdays ;) and other fun things...like the weekender! westwood invasion. hairspray. spirits at troy and halloween. my classes are gonna be amazingly interesting...oh man. i get chills just thinkin about it! hahah. i'm being mega-nerd, i know. but it's nice to be excited about the future.
lyrics to end with: damn it feels good to be a gangsta.