"There are all kinds
of love
in the world,
but never
the same love twice."
pictures.
more pictures!
thank you, pitas.
2005
// too many endings.
// packed away.
// the longest february.
2004
// infinite possibilities.
// heightened senses.
// orchid thief.
// tough like watermelon.
// amplified aching.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
unpredictable.
---- rocket summer: tv family. hm. letting it all spill out. thank yous (first draft) officially. on the outside. baby steps. tender. making your heart swell and burst. somewhere out there. slow learning. hehehehe.
fuck yeah. i feel like a champ. happier thoughts. myspace and doctors. stressed out. more late night ranting. what a rush. here's why. still pretty fucked up. deep breath. saved. about that time. bah. i wrote a song for you.
i miss being in love. it makes the world cleaner, somehow. faith. merry christmas!
i will buy you a garden
ready for a new life.
forbidden fruit. nostalgia hitting hard. lessons learned. the same old shit.
Thursday, June 22, 2006 // 09:23 p.m.
being single for most of my potential dating career, i never thought i'd be the kind of girl who needs (not just wants, needs) a romantic component in my life.
i've had my share, of course, of love-from-afar crushes, asshole boyfriends, and bad dates. but i always thought that the inability to keep any of these stable was a sign of my own independence.
but i'm finding that the truth is, i am looking for home. at first, i traveled to los angeles to find a place that felt more accepting that san jose and the people in it ever did. and for a brief moment, i found it there--but my own restlessness and heartbreak made me feel like i needed change, even if i am terrified of it.
so i moved to texas, where i can feel legitimately lonely and no longer feel like an outsider to all of my friends at home. if nobody cares about me here, it doesn't hurt as much.
there is little left for me in san jose unless i bring something that resembles home to it. so until i find (what i assume to be) him, i can't come back to stay.
mike is, essentially, one of the reasons i have kept afloat this past month or so. funny how things can turn out that way, but as i bawled to him on the phone last night about how lonely i am here, i couldn't help but be grateful to have someone that i can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with. and i guess things are a little weird, because, hell, we still both consider ourselves single at this point. neither of us really want to date anyone, but we also know we shouldn't try to hold ourselves back if the opportunity presents itself. it's a...reasonable place to be.
he and my best friends, residents, family, everyone in LA...makes southern california look better than it ever has.
Sunday, June 4, 2006 // 12:20 a.m.
after spending a few weeks at home, i do sometimes forget why i'd ever want to leave.
but, to be honest, i can't fit here. i just don't. home has a way of making me feel more alone than any other place i've been.
Friday, May 26, 2006 // 02:21 a.m.
when it comes down to it, it scares me how much i care about him and miss him after brief absences.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006 // 01:42 a.m.
so i have a confession to make.
after everything, all the drama, the crying, the outcries of wanting to hurt my ex...we are talking again. and it's not necessarily TALKING kind of talking, but we've exchanged iloveyous and things of the sort.
a week before graduation, an IM out of nowhere.
then, more IMs. text messages. a phonecall or two.
the wednesday before graduation, my last night alone (and truly alone with no residents around) in the radisson, new mike couldn't come over. and because i refused to spend my last free night in college lonely, i called ex mike. and we talked. and he came over. and told me he loved me.
we're a mess, and i know it. we've spent every night since talking on the phone--sometimes for a half hour, sometimes for three hours. we talk about anything and everything, and he makes me laugh unlike i've laughed in a long time. and when i say it back to him, i mean it. which is all pretty weird.
the other night was particularly sweet: "i'm so glad we're talking again. like, i can't tell you how happy it makes me. ever since we stopped, i meet people and i compare them to you and they just don't win out. i've just missed you so much."
...and he's so goddamned sincere that i can't help but believe he means it.
so i'm lost. before, anger was such an easy response. but now, friendship? friends with benefits? definitely no long distance relationship but certainly a privileged place in each others' hearts. all of it is scary, uncertain. i wasn't expecting this.
and i look back on entries, letters, e-mails--all of them warning signals telling me never to get involved with him again. and it angers me again, makes me bitter again. and i wonder if i should let myself be happy with things if only to escape the deep loneliness i felt before we were talking--or if i should end things here, face the loneliness, and re-start my process of forgetting him before it goes too far.
Thursday, April 13, 2006 // 06:25 p.m.
thank yous are impossible to write. there are far too many friends, influences, past loves, and family members to acknowledge for their support and contributions.
however, i will try my best.
to my brother, thomas, who has never ceased to believe in me and support me in all of my musical endeavors. thank you for working so hard on this and being there through each step of the way.
to niem, doan, and particularly my parents, who have dedicated themselves to giving our family more than they had in their youth. i hope i've made you proud, and i love you very much.
to everyone who has contributed to creating this album: john coleman for the beautiful art and designs, wes for the photos. and of course to my talented musician friends, gary lee, pete nguyen, ian taylor, and matthew christian. without you guys, there wouldn't be an album! :)
to my kind, patient friends and loved ones: andrew, ann, annette, christine, dina, heather, jade, jeff murakami, laurie, lindsay, martin, michelle, mike, nick, patrick, sumi pendakur, suzan. not to mention all of the wonderful folks at USC APASS, the tour guides, thomas' apartment, APASA, APSO, ground zero coffeehouse, the ragazzi room, all access musicians, the tuesday night cafe crew. love and much thanks.
Monday, April 10, 2006 // 09:55 p.m.
it's official--when i am on my period, i become an even bigger bitch than you can imagine.
not only that, but i am a really sad, bitter bitch. i mean i don't like people, i don't like class, and all i want to do is lie in my bed and play guitar loudly.
i hate feeling like i'm second. new mike doesn't make me feel like i'm second, he just makes me feel like a rebound. the only thing is, this probably wouldn't occur to me if i weren't so damn moody these last couple of days.
but seriously, do you have to tell me all the things you and your exgirlfriend used to do? maybe she only comes up three or four times in a conversation, but that is too much for me.
i usually find pretty good worth in myself on my own, but it's when you start depending on other people that your view becomes really skewed.
i guess it's human nature to want company, but i wonder what sets apart one person from another. i can answer in terms of personality, sense of humor, wit, attractiveness...but when it comes down to it, does anything really set apart one person from another when you're just looking for some company? what if you're willing to settle for someone who just gives you enough? who is just enough, but doesn't quite make you happy in the same way as the last man did? he makes you laugh in a different way, and for once he thinks you're funny and brilliant and interesting?
two sides to every coin, i guess.
Friday, March 24, 2006 // 01:45 a.m.
on the outside, everything's fine. and it really is, great, even. i've been doing good, doing well for myself and others. i'm helping people, and i'm creating art and love and work.
even so, monday i woke up crying. and to try to fix things, i called student counseling services. and i went to counseling today.
i felt stupid, because the last time i was there was about two years ago, after martin. i felt dumb and weak and without any legitimate reasons to be there.
but it was funny--as soon as i started talking to the counselor, i started crying. all i could tell him was how lost i've been feeling for the past several months, and how days seem inconsistent in that nothing seems to really get better.
and i had to admit, it felt good to get it out. but i kept crying. and i told him that the past two years have taken a toll on me, and mike has hurt me so much. and it was so nice to feel entitled to that hurt and distrust. because i loved and felt connected to mike and wanted more than anything to be with him. and he makes me question all of my ideas about love and relationships and people. he has shaken my core, and it fucking aches.
and what scares me is i can't see light at the end of this tunnel. i really can't see a healthy relationship ahead of me. but hopefully some counseling will allow me to do that, and get un-stuck from this rut.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006 // 12:58 a.m.
one small step for womankind, one giant leap for me. :)
Wednesday, March 22, 2006 // 12:16 a.m.
a friend wrote this tonight:
i love the way women look in their underwear.....the stuff doesn't even have to come off and i've gotten my fix, gorgeous...i think people are at their best in their underwear, you can't hide your physical flaws anymore...damn it, you thought that'd scare me off but i'm still right here and you're as sexy as ever....it's one of the first parallels of love in a relationship....it mimics how i think love works itself into us....people hide things like it'll scare others off, turn them off, make them think too hard...but that's the good stuff dude, love is like people in their underwear and at ease....before the intimacy.
and it makes me question if i've ever been in love that way. i'd like to be, i think.
Tuesday, March 7, 2006 // 01:03 a.m.
i'm sorry, again, for all the terrible mood swings.
to the boy who doesn't know this journal exists: it scares me that you've been so good to me, even after i tell you i don't want you to think of me in that way. i really don't. i don't see it working out between us, and i am trying to do my best to let you get out while you still can. because, as much as you want to be here for me, i don't want you to be here for the sake of my own loneliness. i appreciate you too much to use you for a poor excuse for a boyfriend. what i mean is...i don't want you to keep me company because i'm lonely. because i am lonely. and i don't want you to be around for this mess.
--
anyone can be self-satisfied; that's what i am. i surprise myself with how much makeup can do. i laugh at my own jokes. i count the number of friends i have and the people i help and the good deeds i do. and i am satisfied in the most superficial way. but it ceases to have meaning when there is no one to share it with.
Monday, March 6, 2006 // 11:02 p.m.
i'm trying so hard to fight this.
but i feel like i'm sinking.
and the more i struggle, the more i feel like there's so little to hold onto.
and i'm sorry. i hate feeling this way, and i'm sorry it's the only way i can tell you.
Monday, March 6, 2006 // 12:41 a.m.
it's really quite bizarre how i came across the thought.
it occurred to me that i was still writing in my xanga with the expectation that he still read it, still subscribed to it.
but he probably doesn't. because he obviously doesn't care anymore. and that's probably for the best.
if i can stop entertaining the idea of him caring about me and think of it in a way that makes me feel justified in denying him from my life, i can actually succeed in doing so. and once he's out of my life, i can start to heal.
so, in my mind, he doesn't care. he doesn't read my xanga. he doesn't notice when i'm around.
maybe this way, my heart won't beat so fast when i'm around him. i can start letting go and living for myself instead of in spite of him.
Saturday, March 4, 2006 // 01:22 p.m.
ameroonies: hey there
ameroonies: i'm not sure if there's a nice way to ask about this...or less cliche sounding
ameroonies: heh
ameroonies: but can i have my stuff back?
ameroonies: i think it might just be mervyn and maybe a toothbrush.
Friday, March 3, 2006 // 12:57 a.m.
i've found that one of the things i'm looking forward to most is a future where talking about the future won't sting.
Thursday, March 2, 2006 // 01:21 a.m.
whenever i start looking at people back at home who have become close again, it gets me wondering if leaving another home is what i want to do. i hope that after texas, i will be able to come back and build something semi-permanent.
i apologize for all the angry feelings lately.
tomorrow morning i'm going to the doctor. i don't think anything's wrong, but i just get nervous about these things.
Wednesday, March 1, 2006 // 01:10 a.m.
there are days that i hate people, and today is one of those days.
there are days that i hate my job, and the stupid shit that comes along with all the unnecessary responsibilities, and i hate that i have to do it because i don't believe in doing it without integrity.
it pisses me off that it's been so long since i've had something to look forward to that i don't know why i wake up some days.
overall, i'm pretty sad about being so angry.
Thursday, February 23, 2006 // 05:20 a.m.
something that bothers me a little is how people ask me why i'm so angry these days. like i have to justify how i am feeling. nobody says, "why are you so depressed these days?" which is more fitting when it comes right down to it. everyone thinks i'm angry and bitter without any reason to be.
and no, it doesn't make want to hit them. i want to explain how disappointed i feel about people, about life, about love and relationships. i want to tell them that my disillusionment about marriage has come crashing down and now i'm not sure if i'll ever be married. i want to tell them that i see little reason to keep going but i do out of sheer habit and respect for the people i care about.
instead i tell the story about mike and they nod in feigned understanding, as if they really care about the answer. i know i end up looking like a bitter mass of heartbreak, and they walk away hoping they'll never get hurt like i did.
Wednesday, February 8, 2006 // 03:46 p.m.
after finding out yet one more thing to encourage me to hate you, i decided to burn our pictures together.
very mature, i know, but i had to do it to find out how it felt.
it felt GREAT.
just when i think that things are better, that maybe there was love there, that i could treat you like a friend--i was reminded that you're really just an asshole and i can't wait til you're out of my life for good.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006 // 11:36 p.m.
i'm terrified of becoming friends with you again because, through it all, with all the things you've done and how much hurt we've caused each other--i still think of you as someone i want to be with! it's ridiculous because i know it won't work, it can't work. but there's this fragment of hope that can't be suppressed, and i find myself with a whole new set of problems as our awkwardness begins to fade.
anyway, that's what i've been thinking about for the past few days.
the other thing is, i really have been learning to let go and enjoy what i'm doing, particularly when it comes to singing and playing guitar. what's the point if you're not having fun? life isn't meant for being unsure and insecure about things. it's about enjoying what you've got.
which brings me, i'm afraid, to my initial topic. when i lock eyes with you, everything feels alright again. like an idiot, a part of me falls for you.
Monday, January 23, 2006 // 12:57 a.m.
after a great, uplifting weekend where i was able to (for the most part) forget everything that hurts, i've taken a likely fall.
i'm sorry that you're all so tired of this. i don't know how to make it go away, and i don't know how to deal with all these new situations that come up.
what scares me is that i can fake it all the way through. i really can.
and i know i should stop myself, that i should have more sense than this, but why couldn't this have been good? things would be so much simpler if things were just good and i could be happy with you and still spend sunday mornings watching football in your bed.
i still see things that remind me of you, and there are still times i want to call you. but i can't keep taking steps towards you. at some point, you have to show me that i did affect you and that you miss me, even if it's just as a friend to listen to how your day was. because i feel desperate otherwise, and i can't let you do that to me anymore. i've spent so long pining over you. i just want to be friends and be ok again.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006 // 03:05 p.m.
i feel like i'm taking crazy pills!
no, seriously though, i am feeling rather nuts these days. i was doing SO WELL for the past month or so, not thinking about him, moving on, getting excited about moving on.
and now it's not so visible, but i am catching myself being so ridiculous about us. thinking about him all the time, talking to my residents about him, wondering what went wrong. and i just feel so pathetic. it's silly to feel this way, and for a while i was blaming it on that time of the month, but now it's over and i should be over things by now.
i'm getting really frustrated with myself because this has been going on for far too long. i feel like i have something to prove or something, or i wonder if we should try being friends. i waver between the extremes of cutting him out of my life completely and being his friend, and really i don't know what is best.
i understand i'm rambling, and just going crazy, and i'm going to look back on this entry and feel stupid, but i don't know what else to do.
what worries me the most is that i just can't feel for anyone anymore. the last person that i kissed and felt something for was mike, and even that eventually began to fade. i can't help but feel like all that stuff about sparks and chemistry...goes away after some point. affection and warmth used to mean something. now it's all part of the show. it scares the shit out of me.
Thursday, January 12, 2006 // 12:42 a.m.
it didn't really settle in till about 5:30 today, when i was pretty tired and pretty grumpy and realized that i wouldn't be going to the tour guide retreat and spending time with people i was beginning to enjoy. in my jealousy and anger, i rushed through the meeting because it felt like all my hard work was ignored as the date was changed and, there it was--another situation i had no control over. so i'll be going to the elp retreat instead of going and getting drunk and flirting and all of that with good-looking, charming people.
then a rush to mortar board, frustrated and looking at the selection process--which, inconveniently enough, happens to kick off the same day as snowball. then, the actual selection process takes place during the same weekend as the apo retreat--which i shouldn't go to anyway, i understand, but it's still hard when decisions are made for you.
and on the other hand, it can be difficult when you suddenly have a choice. after mortar board, i went to the teach for america meet and greet, where i found one other person going to houston--his hometown. the others were all going to new york or LA, and i just felt a deep envy for them. i couldn't choose to stay or to go across the country, so i picked somewhere inbetween. and a huge part of me is disappointed.
but this is a chance for adventure, and accomplishment. this is an opportunity to change lives, to directly impact students and instill faith in a system that is famously unfair and underrated. still, it's scary. and i am terrified of making the decision towards something as daunting as this task.
i've been on the verge of tears throughout tonight, and thankfully, someone happened to pop in at the right time. it was unexpected, as he never comes just to pop in and say hi, but it was perfect. i told him about my day and what it was like and what makes me cry and why i hate apo meetings because i can't stand to see mike. and i am ashamed of not having the strength to get through all of this, and please don't look at me because i'm getting emotional. and after this, i feel relieved. and, angry for me, he tells me that i'm too good of a person to be in this situation. i'm not only thankful for his words, but for his anger. because fuck it, i am so angry. i am so pissed that this is the first week of the last semester of college and i have wanted to cry every day because of some ache that makes me wake up lonely. i am angry because i can't sleep and i turn in bed wondering when i'll ever love someone with the same vulnerability again. and the worst of it? none of this will be reflected to him. he won't see any of it. he won't feel any of it. and i am killing myself inside for nothing.
anyway, he came in and listened, and was angry for me, and i am thankful for that much, at least. sometimes you just need someone to take your side and really feel that hurt with you.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006 // 12:36 a.m.
sometimes i think that i'm too nice for the mean boys, and too mean for the nice boys.
i suspect i've been all crazy like this lately because it's almost that time of the month. also i just stopped taking birth control last month and i suppose i'm just adjusting. but i figured it wasn't worth the hassle.
Monday, January 9, 2006 // 10:32 p.m.
my eyes are sleepy from crying.
the crazy thing is, i've been doing just fine! there is no reason for this. i'm just being silly.
my resident says "the worst thing you can do is dwell on this. you're just hurting yourself."
Monday, January 9, 2006 // 12:56 a.m.
look at the stars, look how they shine for you.
Wednesday, January 4, 2006 // 10:37 p.m.
the thing is, i still have faith in people. i really do.
Sunday, December 25, 2005 // 12:02 a.m.
here's to fun times with the family and friends.
where your flowers can bloom
i will buy you a new car
perfect shiny and new
i will buy you that big house
way up in the west hills
i will buy you a new life
Wednesday, December 21, 2005 // 12:21 a.m.
i've decided that i am and always have been the "forbidden fruit" kind of girl. that doesn't make me special, just the type that's likely to be a homewrecker.
oi vey.
Thursday, December 15, 2005 // 02:31 a.m.
so it is the official last day of fall semester, and i am freaking out. not in a sad way, exactly. i mean, i'm pretty happy. i just have so many things on my mind.
what i want to say is that i see why things happen the way they do, and why those things are important. i understand it all now. it all makes sense in a way that overwhelms me.
love really fucks you up, but sometimes you need that. sometimes you get so caught up in all the happy trivial things in your life, and every mistake becomes huge, every doubt consumes you. when you're forced to live alone, you're forced to deal with things on a realistic level.
i know we did the right thing. and had we never been together, i never would've known what was the right thing to do. and had you never treated me the way you did, we might still be together now, but we'd be lying to ourselves. i'm glad we put a stop to it.
it's the last night of the fall semester, senior year...and though part of me feels like i should be partying it up, something tells me i really needed this. i needed the beach, old town, playing guitar. this isn't just another night. it's a chance to reflect and pack away memories. this has been a trying year, and it's good to leave it behind. i'm looking forward to a new year with less aching, less crying. less worrying about the next time i see you, less agonizing over the lack of love i saw from you.
the other night i realized, and let in, for once, how much you hurt me. how afraid i am, and how i'd just like to be head-over-heels in love with someone else right now, just to make it hurt less. and you'll never know. you will never know how many days feel too long because i have to fill them up with anything that doesn't remind me of you. and that's the tragedy, to me. is that you'll never know. even when i sang the song, when we were happier, you didn't know it was about you. you go through life thinking you're innocent, a victim even--when you really ruined me, and i can't be the same person. and you go on, unaffected.
i know, i always say i'll walk away and leave these feelings behind, but on a night like this, it's hard not to let the past fill in the blanks.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005 // 09:51 p.m.
"I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."
yes, i suppose that's me. i have not and will not stop looking.
Sunday, December 11, 2005 // 09:44 p.m.
i would update, but it's all starting to sound the same.
to see what i mean, go here.especially towards the end of march. funny, and sad, how some things never change.