amy elizabeth.
love the chub.
thank you, pitas.
// amplified aching.
// a song i used to love.
2003
// driving.
// last song.
// breathe.
// revisitinghome.
// happy endings.
// better luck.
// scatterbrained.
// lovefool.
2002
// unprepared.
// cups of coffee.
// the outcome.
// moving in.
// leaving.
// milestones.
// unyielding.
// gloomy.
// bridge.
// voice.
2001
// snowfall.
// thunderstorm.
// awkward.
// broken.
// change.
// lucky.
// kiss.
// original.
// busy.
// crush.
// sparkle.
// shine.
2000
// wish.
// mistake.
// tragedy.
// please.
// complicated.
// lather.
// rinse.
pickles, olives, and portable pudding! take a sad song and make it better. so.
it's gonna burn for me to say this
been addicted to this song lately. not sure why. sometimes i think it's been too long to still be vulnerable about things. it's like being afraid of the dark when you should've been brave enough by 8. come to think of it...i still AM afraid of the dark. it all makes sense now! lasting impressions. oops i did it again. one amazing weekend.
saturday: rolled outta bed at 2pm, headed outside with miss april and played in the slip n slide for hours! sooo fun. it was amazing to just lay out on the lawn and read and look up at the leaves. a beautiful day.
sunday: quick trip to target with the minz, and then off to huntington beach! boating and pool-ing. great chicken and even better weather. :)
it's weekends like this that remind you what's really important in life. to take a page from mindy's book (which is taken out of dmb ;) "life is short, but sweet for certain." amen. i'll drink to that. :D of course. something less complicated.
on a completely different note, it looks like i'll be spending much of the summer in huntington beach. dina's aunt owns a condo there, and she would like for us to house-sit. living by the beach free of charge? too good to be true. long nights. jump in with both feet forward. initiation and love. you can spill my coffee anytime, baby. it smells like burning... when you start talking i hear the prozac. you may hate me, but it ain't no lie. more positive, less negative. grr. things to say.
from their eyes were watching god:
from "confessions of a dangerous mind":
and finally, "too many people think of themselves as tragic heroes. every life has tragedy. death can be a tragedy. unrequited fucking love can be a tragedy. if tragedy was based on how sorry you felt for yourself, everyone would be a goddamned tragic hero of their life stories." mood swing central. where are you? and i'm so sorry. dollars don't make sense to me. spring has sprung!
Saturday, May 15, 2004 // 08:46 p.m.
so i'm back at home now :) well, san jose home. it's weird sometimes to call it home because it often feels like there is nothing left here for me. does that make sense? i always think the first trip home after you leave for college is somewhat of a phenomenon--your house feels like a hotel, and even the air seems different. every trip back after that is a miniature relapse, it seems like. but you get used to it. something i had forgotten though was the fact that all my friends are still in school, so i have no one to play with. come play. :)
things i like about home: being able to eat random things in the fridge like pickles, olives, and portable pudding; the fact that my dad continuously replenishes the flowers (orchids this time!) on my windowsill; radio stations like 104.9 and 106.5; watching animal planet and the disney channel...uh, is that it? that's all i can come up with now. :( home is losing its charm.
in any case, it is good to be with family. though i fear that what thomas had warned me against is finally coming true: my room is becoming into a storage room. GASP. i guess it was going to happen no matter what, but at this rate, will my room still exist come senior year?
i'm sure there are more important things to worry about. actually, it was great when i came back and took a two-hour nap this afternoon (can i brag and say that i made it here in 5 hours flat?!) ...i woke up in the middle of the nap, freaking out and thinking that i had a bajillion things to do, and not really knowing where the hell i was. then i realized that i was home and i had plenty of time just to sleep. what a great feeling. :)
Wednesday, May 12, 2004 // 03:06 a.m.
so things have been good. and school is done. now all that is left is packing. oh, packing. what a not-very-fun experience. but at least i'll be able to get rid of some stuff, i hope.
everything has been fairly mellow since i turned in my last paper today. it's weird to feel finally done with this year, academically anyway. i guess it will feel even weirder when i am moved out...only to move back in again in august, yes, but looking at the empty rooms is pretty heartrendering.
i just hope you know how much you mean to me.
funny how people grow on you and suddenly you don't want them out of your lives. you should stay. you've made the world warm again.
this summer will be great. and next year...we'll just have to see what happens.
Sunday, May 9, 2004 // 10:27 p.m.
the past few days have been confusing.
but it's comin from my heart
it's been a long time coming
but we done been fell apart
really wanna work this out
but i don't think you're gonna change
i do but you don't
think it's best we go our separate ways
tell me why i should stay in this relationship
when i'm hurting baby, i ain't happy baby
plus there's so many other things i gotta deal with
i think that you should let it burn.
i think i'm definitely more thick-skinned these days, but i wonder if it's made me too unfeeling when it comes to romance. i am keeping you at a distance because it feels safe. when it's the right person, i'll know. for now, it's not worth getting hurt.
Friday, May 7, 2004 // 07:27 a.m.
i should put up a disclaimer that this might be a little emotional and melodramatic, because i am in that type of mood. :P
really hard to believe that this school year is coming to an end. the summer holds a lot of promise and possibilities, and next year seems exciting, but this year has been amazing, difficult in a lot of ways, and amazingly difficult. heh. i was thinking about it yesterday, and it's crazy how much things have changed, how people have changed. it's been a very challenging year to face, but i am very lucky to have good friends and to be surrounded by people that are willing to put up with and take care of me.
i remember how last year i wrapped up everything convinced that things happen for a reason. this year i'm not so sure. i don't know how you can pour your heart into something and it still doesn't work out. and i don't know how you're supposed to leave it all behind. it seems that it's stayed with me all along.
nonetheless, there is little that i regret about this year. from weekends in san diego to basketball in san hizzle to painting houses in utah to staying up till 4, 5, 6am for all the crazy reasons that come with being in college. last-minute papers, helping residents, awkward attempts, and haunting insomnia.
next year i will be a junior, and it sounds old already. i won't be "the future" anymore...i'll just be an upperclassman who hopefully hasn't burnt out. i am dreading having to say goodbye to my residents, who have helped me through this year maybe more than anybody. and i don't know if they'll ever know it. but i am grateful.
i guess it is true that there are some years that answer questions, and some years that ask.
Wednesday, May 5, 2004 // 08:46 a.m.
i'm up at this ungodly hour so that i can turn in my financial aid documents and catch the office just as they open. not a bad idea except i went to bed at 3ish. and yes. that is too late for sickly little me. coughing spasms...taking over. making life horrible.
but two finals are done, and two more to go. yesterday's finals were muh. i am just happy to have them done with. i don't know if i'll pass chinese because i need a c average in that class since i took it pass/fail. eep :( i'll keep my fingers crossed...and i'll probably e-mail my teacher if i feel badly enough about it.
you know how on scrubs lately jd is having all these woman problems because whatsherface keeps telling him that he only wants what he can't have? well, it's true. oops. i did it.
Monday, May 3, 2004 // 12:38 a.m.
one of the greatest weekends ever! :)
friday: giving a tour to first graders...a fun but interesting challenge. afterwards received hugs and kisses. a nice feeling being taller than everyone on the tour ;)
after work, turned in my paper, watched commedus interruptus on the lawn and was reminded why this school is so amazing. what other school has a great improv group perform on the lawn every friday afternoon? awesome.
got all dolled up for initiation...got my hair did thanks to jenn and borrowed a cutesy dress. pictures to come! :)
apass end-year banquet...so fun. and again, it makes me really happy to be here at usc and involved in the things that i've dedicated myself to.
apo initiation: pretty cool, good food, and my big sib is the sweetest. and i'm finally an active baby! goodbye pledge pin ;)
apo afterparty: hootiehoo! best party i've been to in a while. got off to a slow start, but ended up partying till 6 in the morning. who knew i had it in me? hahah. many incriminating photos to come from that as well.
at night, went to see "n*gger-wetb*ck-ch*nk"--a wonderful comedy/makeyouthink kind of play made by ucla students! really enjoyed it. they played out a lot of stereotypes and really challenged a lot of views i think. definitely has potential to come to sc. :) afterwards, we went to house of pies--amazing restaurant if you've never been! yum. shared the ebonics love with my non-resident freshman favorites ;) talked about how we all wanted to be black...refer to my boy bao-viet :D
got back and mike came over to watch "waiting for guffman" :) strawberry cheesecake on pants. nuff said. hahah :D i kid, i kid.
the rest of the day has been very relaxing and fairly uneventful. meetings that i've enjoyed for the most part, and catching up with old friends and my brothers.
Thursday, April 29, 2004 // 10:33 p.m.
just wanted to say that i'm so glad that i am apart of apass. one of the best things that has ever happened to me at sc. :)
...he said i give him a reason to exist. ha! :P
Wednesday, April 28, 2004 // 01:31 a.m.
leave it to me to freak out about how much friggin' work i have to do and then write a pita entry. it just feels like i have to, though. i need to get things out, and there is something about sharing things in writing that you can't really share in a phone conversation--and definitely not on aim.
professor gustafson said a while back that e-mails are great because you can say things to people that you definitely would never say to them in person...and they serve as an amazing journey of your life. you can just be so much more descriptive.
everything we read in american lit makes me weepy. we talk so much about love and relationships that end badly. it is my achilles heel, and it feels like the most pathetic weakness.
moving on is weird. especially if the first attempt only ends up making you more bitter and jaded. and while there are some people that will be direct, you don't know if you want that. you don't know if you want it handed to you like that. there is something to be said about the chase and the courting. and even if there is someone that might be just right, he is too far away. and you don't know if you want that again. no more long-distance. not for now, at least.
the others are masters of mixed messages. you think you hear it in their voices, you think you can catch it. but they're just as careful and cautious as you try to be. no sense in getting hurt again.
fuck, i'm a slacker. time to get back to work.
Monday, April 26, 2004 // 05:14 a.m.
finished religion paper tonight around 1, and then started working more on sociology. this week is going to be crazy, but i think it will be the last crazy week i have. (i hope..? :p)
a lot of epiphanies lately. and i am excited about next year, and of course, a bit sad to let go of this year. it really hit me yesterday during the end-year banquet for reslife...someone mentioned that no year will ever been like this year. and for that, i am grateful and yet somewhat saddened. despite the losses of two of the most important people in my life, i have found greater causes. i have found love that doesn't make my heart ache--in my friends, residents, and passions. it has been a year of learning and growing.
those people will never be replaced, and for that i am sorry. the kind of joy that they brought is buried. parts of me are buried along with it.
i loved you so much. i see you in every part of my life. i can't forget how ugly it got and how hurtful our words became. you were reflections of each other. i just couldn't stay. i'm sorry i caused so much grief.
some of the most beautiful writing i've ever done was for you. somehow you made love tangible.
Sunday, April 25, 2004 // 12:50 a.m.
brandtson=love. download "on three" because it will bring you joy. almost as much as jamisonparker. yum.
tonight i hung out with the robby cole and nhon luu. so so so so much indy love from "the wood". :) you guys are the greatest, and i'm so glad we got the chance to check out p-town tonight. hehe. i'm sorry i was so tired, but hanging out with you reminded me how amazing my high school friends are. when i think about it, it's because of the independence gang that i got through high school and its crazy drama. and i never felt alone with you. the gang was all i ever needed.
driving around, being silly in designer clothing stores--just feeling younger again. being able to be a tomboy and not care about what people are thinking. i don't know. i miss it all sometimes. it's nice to be reminded.
whenever i get too frustrated or bogged down with the way things are, i think about the way things were and realize that this will all be in the past someday. and all i can do is look back and be content.
Saturday, April 24, 2004 // 12:10 p.m.
moulin rouge was AWESOME last night. went to see the special screening in santa monica where you are welcome to sing along, and there's trivia, dancing, and singing contests before the show starts. lo and behold, i won a movie ticket for singing "part of your world" with stef. hah! so fun :) i'm so glad i went.
i know that i hated moulin rouge the first time i saw it, but this time was so much better. especially on the big screen--somehow it made so much more sense. i think, also, i've changed a lot since the last time i saw it. it's very different once you've experienced drunken stupor (both from alcohol and love :P ), intense jealousy, and being completely in love with someone. it's somehow so much easier to relate to after that.
i really enjoyed it. daresay, it made me cry.
today we had tour guide initiation at 7am. i was a little disappointed--people's sleepiness really turned the whole thing into a breaking of traditions. everyone was tired, so we didn't all go together to get breakfast or anything. a handful of us did, but it sort of makes me sad. i don't know. as much as people complain about cheesy traditions, i kind of like them. and i know secretly everyone else does deep down. right..? :P
i thought i was going to have to work right after initiation, but we actually got a chance to go home and sleep for a bit. which is what i did...until about twenty minutes ago. now it's time to go to work! tour after tour after tour :) i'm excited.
Friday, April 23, 2004 // 09:19 a.m.
hahaha. gotta go to work, but i wanted to make a note of this before i forget: hot yellow-skinned brotha on ER. you know, the one that freaks out about the rats, or whatever. lol. i am just sort of excited that there is a good-looking asian dude on tv. too bad he's going to get killed off or some crap during the next 3 episodes, and they portray him as anal-retentive. sigh. someday, i'll write a screenplay for asian americans, and it will have nothing to do with kicking ass or racecars or bad accents. in the meantime, short cameos from cute AzNs will have to do. heheh.
Monday, April 19, 2004 // 02:12 p.m.
i woke up today to the sound of a fire alarm.
i didn't even know what time it was--i thought some asshole had pulled the alarm again and considered crawling back into bed. but i walked out and peeked out my door instead, and saw two of my other residents, one on each corner of the hall, peeking their heads out of their doors. then i smelled the fire and saw the smoke.
being the overprotective freak that i am, i started yelling and knocking on people's doors, telling them to get up and move their asses. i grabbed my "emergency clipboard", sweatshirt, and id card and banged on doors till it looked like everyone was out. by then, the hall was filled with smoke and i sprinted through the smoke only to run into a bunch of people in the stairwell. heh. even when i am trying to be safe, i am clumsy.
it was all alright though. it turns out there was something in the trash chute that caused it...they're still investigating it. we waited outside in the basketball courts for an hour or so, and then we encouraged people to go to the cafeteria to grab breakfast (it was about 7:30 by then) because it would take a while. it was kind of heartwarming to see marks tower invade evk. :) it was like the biggest program ever. hehe.
the sprinklers in the rooms didn't go off, so my laptop and all the other stuff is safe. everything still smells smoky, but it's a weird reminder of the fear that felt like choking. as we ate breakfast, my residents made fun of me for being so crazy and worrisome. but i think it brought us together. weird when something like that unites people. still, now that it's all over, and although everyone is safe, i am filled with a strange sense of loss.
Monday, April 19, 2004 // 12:42 a.m.
the third eye blind self-titled album is SO GOOD. i think it's the self-titled album anyway. well, the one with motorcycle drive-by and losing a whole year and all that good shit. i love it. it takes me back.
been wasting tonight away xanga/blog-hopping, and proud to say i joined the ihs alumni xanga blogring. haha. sad. i've also been reading through my personal, private journal, and it reminds me that i've been through this before.
i read some pita entries from last year, and it made me remember how happy i was. but also...what a slacker! haha. some things (or people) take precedence and you don't even realize it till it's too late to get your priorities straight. i think, for that, i am a bit regretful.
but there is nothing you can do about the past. i read people's journals now--people i knew in high school and way back when...people i didn't really know in high school but heard rumors about and grew jealous of without knowing them. man. it's crazy how it all changes and your perspective is exactly that--your own. and it doesn't matter. life goes on.
sometimes you reach this point of clarity and closure that makes life that much more bearable.
Sunday, April 18, 2004 // 03:06 a.m.
baby bye bye bye...
haha. i'm feeling weird and hyper. today's been a pretty productive day...still working on my religion paper from yesterday but now i'm on the tenth page and still feeling pretty good. i'll probably by finish by 4, 5 at the latest. which is ok because i can wake up at noon tomorrow and i'll be alright.
i just busted a bunch of smokers hanging out in the stairwell. i know i was bitchy about it, but it's totally unfair to all the residents who are getting charged $25 for each cigarette butt left out in the stairwell. first of all, those assholes aren't supposed to be smoking there anyway. i know they're just kids, and i'd be more likable if i were cool about it, but you know what? fuck it. i've realized that there are going to be people that don't like me, and people that like me right away. i'm not here to win anyone over. especially not some dumbass kid smoker who doesn't know how to follow the rules.
i sure am aggressive when i want to be. but i think i like it. it's here to stay, dammit. :P FEAR THE WRATH of lil ol me. :)
Friday, April 16, 2004 // 02:06 a.m.
i realize that i've been focusing a lot on the negative of everything lately, and that's not cool. :| although i finally figured out why i've been so irritable lately: i haven't been getting enough sleep. and that's not to say i've been working into the wee hours of the night, it's because the elevator has been making this scraping sound for the past week. this sound is equivalent to nails on a chalkboard, but think ten times more excrutiating. it's horrible.
anyway, the scraping has been a pain in the ass, and it happens EVERY SINGLE TIME the elevator passes by my room. which is, oh, about every couple of minutes. especially in the early morning. you know, about half an hour to an hour before i actually need to get up. you know how that is. you are just aching for that last hour, but you know that if you go back to sleep, you probably won't wake up on time. and it's not like you can anyway because the scraping is SLOWLY KILLING YOU.
uh...but i am working on being more positive. :) besides being extremely busy, this week has been pretty good. highlights of the week have included:
"amy, i wish you were MY ra." --2 people said that! count, two! in one day! and they don't even know each other. :)
"DUDE. you were awesome at the casa idol show. what was the song? memory? oh oh, melody!" --drunken girl at frat party, but i found it flattering even so. :)
going to delta tau delta's country party solely for the excuse to wear my cute cowboy hat. YEEHAW, ann!! :D
...i'm sure there are more, but i can't really think of them. anyway, good times were had by all. oh! i am also going to a summer conference in late may!! i forgot to mention this because i never thought it was really going to happen, but i'm going to NACURH, which is basically a national conference for college students that work within residential life. it's a five-day trip to ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI (that's right, lindsay! you poop, you will still be far away. :( ) and about 12 of us will be representing SC. from what i hear, it's awesome, so i'm really looking forward to it. and, it's all free! woohoo!
so, life is good. exhausting, but overall, things are going to be juuuust swell.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004 // 12:30 a.m.
let's get one thing straight:
stress+pms+lots of work=amy being a bitch.
sorry. :| i don't really know how to get it under control.
Monday, April 12, 2004 // 10:05 p.m.
been watching a lot of movies lately. also been reading "their eyes were watching god", which is amazing if you haven't read it. a couple of things i wanted to share:
"there are years that ask questions and years that answer."
"a little war of defense for helpless things was going on inside her. people ought to have some regard for helpless things."
"oh to be a pear tree--any tree in bloom! with kissing bees singing of the beginning of the world! she was sixteen. she had glossy leaves and bursting buds and she wanted to struggle with life but it seemed to elude her."
"I came up with a new game-show idea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He wins a refrigerator."
"Insane asylums are filled with people who think they're Jesus or Satan. Very few have delusions of being a guy down the block who works for an insurance company."
that last one is my own work. voila!
Saturday, April 10, 2004 // 09:06 p.m.
i'm sorry i've been so weird and tempramental(sp?) lately. i've also been a horrible speller.
all kidding aside, i have been undergoing the worst of mood swings, and i'm starting to wonder if it's something i should be worried about. there is some kind of chemical imbalance in some people that causes them to be especially moody when it's coming to be that time of the month. like, beyond what is normal. and as i've gotten older, i feel like my moods have been especially abnormal. maybe i'm just bitter and jaded?
this has been a crazy week. even the weeks that i am certain that things will calm down, it only picks up pace. i get too busy to think, much less get anything else done. my inbox is filled with e-mails that need replying to, and they are piling up to numbers of 50+.
taking on the conference has been especially stressful, because it's like they expect me to suddenly be extremely active in all the other stuff that naascon does. i mean, i love the activism, but this isn't what i signed up for. i know i probably sound like some heartless bitch, but i can't be forced into being passionate about issues i know nothing about. i'd like to be knowledgable, but i need to be informed before i try to form an opinion.
things in other realms of my life have been going great. i love the tour guide job almost every day i work, and my classes are pretty decent as well. i have a buttload of papers coming up, and that's not very good, but tomorrow i'm going to the library and hopefully i'll get started on a research paper early for once in my college career.
speaking of college career, i've finally declared!! i am an american studies major, with an emphasis on american cultural and intellectual life...though i think i might change that to social and institutional life because i'd like to take more polisci classes. i'd probably be completely lost in those, but i'd have fun i think. muh. the future is wide open. it's just that now i think i have a niche. :)
as the semester is nearing an end, i am feeling apprehensive but excited about the summer. keeping my fingers crossed that i get to stay in LA.
Saturday, April 10, 2004 // 02:22 a.m.
it makes me very sad to realize that i've lost people.
everyone says that it's a part of life, and for the most part, i believe it. but it's so hard to forget all those memories and try to look back on them as something that will never happen again.
i suppose i need to accept that things change, and people do too. if you could just pick one moment of life that you could save and live in forever, which would you pick?
it's so hard to let go. i don't know if i'll ever forgive myself for it.
Thursday, April 8, 2004 // 01:49 a.m.
lately i've been addicted to usher. strange development, eh?
welcome back to edinburgh lindsaypoo! :) i know that you're back not only because of the e-mail, but on the stats of who's visiting. hehe.
i haven't written much in here as of late because i've been posting in my xangeroo. yes i know, i'm a sellout. it's just really nifty to have the comments option, you know? pitas will always be my number one.
i'd write more, but i'm starting to fade. and i still have reading to do! eep. i'm on top of things though. things and people. nyuknyuk. ok. i swear i'm not a pervert. :D no sirree.
Sunday, April 4, 2004 // 12:22 a.m.
these past couple of days have been a little weird. i woke up on friday morning really pissed off for some reason. you know how some days, you just know are bound to have more downs than ups?
no worries, though. i think what ticked me off about friday is that someone got me confused with "the other asian girl" in our office. i don't mean to be irrate, but WHAT? first of all, we don't even look alike. and this isn't even one of those co-workers that i hardly ever see. it's one that i talk to on a regular basis. what the..? you're killin me, smalls.
anyhoo, the day picked up, kinda. busy busy busy until 10pm, when we rushed to century city to catch the last showing of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind", a movie i've been wanting to watch for a very long time now. it was pretty good, though i must say not as brilliant as adaptation. still brilliant, but i'd say more mainstream, which is ok but i guess i felt a teensy bit let down. too much hype, i guess...and it's probably one of those movies that i'll have to watch again to catch more things.
it made me bawl like a baby, though, of course. i found myself wanting to scream at jim carey, "don't let her go." it's a miserable feeling.
that makes two jim carey movies in the past year that have made me cry far harder than they should: this one and "bruce almighty". something about having to let someone go still tugs at heartstrings for me. i guess i always saw it coming.
i was telling vy tonight that i really hope that somebody else will make me feel the way martin did. i'm not sure how i can honestly believe that nobody ever will, but it freaks me out. i just don't know. i really don't trust how i feel anymore.
moving on to less unhappy things, i went to the scia (indian association) culture show tonight. i am so proud of anand!! he was so awesome. and damn boy--i've never seen you move like that! haha. he was such a gangsta, doing the hip hop dance. you guys should see. i was very impressed, and his acapella group was amazing, too. jeez. those indian men...i gotta say. hehe.
today was also sectionals for APO. basically we went to a conference with a bunch of APO people there...including chapters from uc riverside, calpoly slo, and sjsu! it was crazy. i was pretty excited. :) met a lot of really cool people, and it reminds me that i am becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin.
i've figured out my schedule for next year, and i'm really pumped about it. i am going to take a screenwriting class! woohoo. if all goes as planned, i'll be taking that, two american studies classes, a writing requirement class, and the hitchcock class. i'm not too worried about having too much writing, because i've decided that it's something that i really love to do. plus, if i must, i can recycle essays. do you think that's an unethical thing to do? i also ask that because i plan to do it for this next paper coming up for my sociology class. i know. i've turned into such a slacker. i think i've just gotten far too involved in extracurriculars that the academic stuff has taken the backseat. i'll try to be good again. studying takes more effort than usual lately, though.